July 3 -- Tonight I had this epiphany of sorts -- I decided that I had enough. That it was time to get off of this train and head into another direction. I told Brian I wanted to run away and he asked me where I would go. Truth is, I have no idea. But I am so tired of everything -- dealing with the kids, making sure everyone has their music lessons, summer homework printed out, enough clothes, bathing suits etc. yada yada yada. And it's summer vacation for God's sake!
I spent the day cleaning. ANd then cleaning some more. And shopping for future birthdays etc. And dealing with discipline issues with Tessa. That girl has an ATTITUDE. And it sucks. I just don't want to deal with her at all. It's terrible but I don't. It's toxic. But, I am not going to let her go to her friends and sleep over if she is so exhausted she can't even unload the dishwasher. Seriously. She tells me (with an eye roll and a hair flip) that she is too tired to help around the house and I am supposed to let her go to her friends and sleep over? Yeah. That makes so much sense. So of course we took that away from her and...omg so much drama. My favorite part was when she casually tilted her head and ran her fingers through her hair, and, oh what a "coincidence' but the only finger I could see was her middle one. When I called her on it, she looked at me, shocked. Little Miss Innocent. What a brat. Like I said, I just don't want to deal with it -- I want to reject the application. NO more parenting. No more wifing. Just me on the beach. With a cold glass of water...and maybe some wine. No worries about new jobs, cranky kids, or paying bills. Just the sand and the waves and the warm sun.
Hi CMW, I found your blog while searching for answers, support, something!..for my own MLC. I am considering picking up and running away. I have no children, spouse, career! I am 45 and live with my mom, sister and her son. I love them all dearly of course! I have literally achieved nothing according to societal standards. More importantly though, I have grown a lot spiritually, I have been given great insight and compassion to help others. I believe it is necessary at this point,for me to step away from family and friends to explore more fully my individuality. IDK if this will be a permanent choice or not. I don't have to decide that just now.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you have a lovely family. How awesome it most be to have brought life into this world! I realize each person's struggles are relative, never to be compared, but we may listen and lend support. That being said, Know that you are not alone in questioning your life sometimes. I am part of a support group which has helped me see that, we all suffer from the human condition. This has helped me celebrate it as well! Today, I can give myself a break, I can breath and feel good about my life, Just for today! Once I start from there, I have a better chance of making adjustments to a more positive experience on my path. I am learning it is okay to say no. I can't do it all and make everybody happy. The sooner I get that out in the universe, I see changes in those around me and their expectations/demands. Most importantly, the unrealistic demands I put on myself! Best of luck to you and God bless!
Hi LoriM -- thank you for your response to my entry! As you can see by the next day's entry, my feelings of despair had passed. ALthough I try to live my live in the moment, sometimes, it's hard to recognize that "this too shall pass." It was wonderful to hear about your efforts to stay in the moment and celebrate the gifts of "today." I wholeheartedly agree with you that it is important to recognize the unrealistic demands we put on ourselves to please others (at the cost of overwhelming ourselves!) Your words resonated with me. It is definitely okay to say no. Thanks again for sharing and I send God's blessings your way too!
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