January 3rd was supposed to be a day all for me -- the holiday vacation was officially over and the kids were heading back to school. With my husband back at work, I envisioned a quiet, empty house (save for my beloved cockapoo Lily's gentle breathing while she lay sleeping by my feet) where I could get the endless list of to-do's crossed off with amazing efficiency. Sadly, that plan was sabotaged when my poor husband's flu illness kept him home -- with me. Oh well, the "best laid plans..."
But I still got a lot of work done. That is until I checked the website to see if there were any new English teaching positions open. Of course, there was. In a town right next to mine. So now I don't know what to do. I am so tired of applying for these positions only to get turned down because of my teaching "gap" when I spent time home with the kids, writing free-lance articles and running my part-time interior decorating business. With this current economy, there are so many applicants. Part of me (a huge part of me) thinks I should let someone else go for this job. With this new resolution of mine, I am finally starting to write again and even though I am not writing anything of note -- I am creating nonetheless. The fingers are moving.
I sort of feel as though taking a full-time position right now would just knock me into über-craziness. Or maybe it would be the necessary kick-start for re-entering a field I once loved. But that would mean stopping the independent study effort I just coordinated for the kids at the high school. And leaving the committee I am currently organizing a town-wide event for. And leaving my part-time pr job. (Although admittedly, that move wouldn't be a heartbreaker.) And not having any time to help my husband organize and grow his business. On the opposite side of the argument, the allure of a steady, decent paycheck with insurance benefits that a teaching position would provide would be awesome too. Ugghhhhhh. (Why did I have to look at the listing?!) Is it so unreasonable to wish for a specific plan in life? Would it be so bad to just pursue these other avenues for a bit and then head into the full-time scene??? Is there anyone who can give me the map which says, yes -- this is not the right time to abandon your current route, up ahead in like, six or nine months or so, you will have the perfect opportunity to take the on-ramp toward a full-time job which you will love and will make you happy? (I get it. I am the mapmaker here. But the pen isn't working.)
Here is what I know. When I had my morning coffee, I was relaxed. My two youngest sat with me for a few minutes before they left to catch their bus. I thought to myself, this moment -- the shaft of golden sunlight lighting up Tessa's beautiful black hair, her eager smile as she spoke in anticipation of her day -- this is a gift. Remember it.
And so I will.
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