November 21 -- Today...after I got home from work and after Brian finally got home, we took off for Costco to get things for Thanksgiving dinner. As I picked cheeses and dips and crackers and pies for the meal, I noticed that I was becoming increasingly anxious. First of all, it's a ton of food, as always. But as I was heading up and down the aisles, I could feel the beginning twitch of the hostess stomach ache, the one you get when you start assessing the mental list in your head, the horribly long list of all of the things that have to be done between now and Thursday afternoon when all of the dinner guests arrive.
Faced with a full time job for the first time in years, I was quietly panicking about not having enough time to get everything done.
I am well aware that those fears are total hogwash. I will get it done. It's just that I will be up later or will cut a few things off of the menu or my house won't be as clean or maybe I will do one or two less vases of fresh flowers. Really? The idea of this holiday is to celebrate with family to be with friends and loved ones and to truly appreciate whatever joy we can find in our lives -- even when things seem most bleak.
I will never forget the Thanksgiving we had when Brianna was in the hospital. I took Luke to the road race to watch Brian run. After the race, we lost Brian. I couldn't find him anywhere and Luke, who was only 18 months old, started to cry. And I started to cry. And finally, one of Brian's rugby friends came over and took me by the arm and showed me where Brian was hanging out with his friends -- looking for me. I was so grateful for his kindness, I will never forget it.
Later that afternoon, with Luke napping at my sister's, Brian and I went to the hospital and held our little baby girl. Brian hung his race number on her isolette; it was huge next to the tiny sign which told everyone her name and birth date. Holding her that Thanksgiving day was a miracle -- we only got to hold her three times before she died. I can still feel her tiny, tiny body against my chest, her heart beating against mine. And even though I was so sad, so envious of all of my friends who had healthy full-term babies, I accepted that moment as my Thanksgiving gift. My moment of love with my little girl. And later on that evening while we sat at the Thanksgiving dinner table at my sister's home, surrounded by our family, I shared the wonderful experience of holding Brianna and in that moment, I was truly the happiest mom in the world.
She died in my arms only four weeks later.
When I think about how we got through that Thanksgiving...and the year(s) that followed...I know that what helped us get through the sadness of Brianna's death was looking grief in the face, accepting it as part of life, embracing the love which surrounded us and moving on...one day at a time.
So when I consider the challenge of this Thanksgiving? Working full time and organizing a family meal? It's a joy. An absolute joy. haha. Bring it on.
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