Retirement Party

April 30th --  I went to Bob C's retirement dinner tonight;  he is retiring after 39 years in education and 15 years as principal of the elementary school where my four children all attended school.  It was a really funny night with a lot of good laughs.  Bob is a nice guy with lots of quirks people can easily make fun of.

I was thinking a couple of things as I sat there and listened to all the speeches.  One was that sometimes I think I really blew it by leaving teaching to stay home with the kids.  If I go back to school this year, I will be close to seventy before I can think about retiring.  I don't know how good of a teacher I would be when I am 67.  Seriously.  I can barely remember things now.  At age 67?  Bah.  I will be lucky if I remember where I put my toothbrush.  So maybe one of those kids I stayed home with will grow up and get a great job and take care of their mommy.  A back-up plan of sorts.   Hmmmmm.

The other thing I thought about was how nice it was to hear his kids speak about him.  THey are all in their twenties so they had some well-thought out things to say with deep meaning and affection for their dad.  I was so impressed.  I thought of my own kids and wondered if they would ever have the where-with-all to come up with a speech about Brian or me.  I feel as though I would have to write it for them.  I don't know.  There is time yet for their appreciation for their parents to develop and grow...at least I hope so anyway!

The Royal Wedding

April 29 -- So today William and Kate got officially married.  How wonderful.  No really.  It's so nice to see a happy couple no matter if they live in Osh Kosh Iowa or Buckingham Palace.  After newborn babies, looking at pictures of happy newlyweds never fails to put me in a good mood.   And after all William and his brother Harry went through with their mother's death, it's a nice thing to know he has found love and joy.

What was interesting to me about this royal hoopla was hearing (or not hearing) the responses from my kids.  Riley was most impressed with the carriage which was allegedly made of gold.  Tessa was wondering what all the fuss was about and why she didn't know more about it.  Luke had a kind of guy response and said he didn't even know what country William and Kate were from.  And Connor was at lacrosse practice and the lacrosse pasta dinner so I didn't see him until tonight.  (Poor kid came home sniffling from allergies and went right to bed so there was no royal wedding analysis from him.)

I don't know.  I have to confess that I think it's kind of a nice distraction.  The romance and glamour of it all -- it's every girls dream to be "noticed" by the handsome prince.  My favorite part though was when I heard that Kate didn't want anyone professional to do her make-up.  She wanted to do it herself.  And she looked beautiful.  Good for her.

Guys Weekend

April 28 -- There was a time when the thought of Brian leaving for a few days really freaked me out.  But these days, we are both running around like crazy people and we barely see each other anyway.  So when he came home today and packed for his annual golfing weekend at the Cape I was like, have fun! Cya!

It's always amazing when the guy leaves.  He packs.  And goes.  When I go anywhere, there is the long list of coordinated rides and pick-ups for the kids, lists of things they have to bring to school, pack for their friends etc.  Seriously.  Tomorrow Connor has a pasta dinner for lacrosse.  It's on the family schedule.  Nevertheless, there is no way on God's green earth that Brian sent me an email reminding me what we have to get for Connor to bring to the dinner.  No way.   Or Tessa's tourney on Saturday.  Because of conflicts, I can't get her there. Did Brian coordinate a ride for her?  Of course not.  He does not have to sweat that detail.  Mommy does.

To his defense, he did ask the boys to try and figure out where the opening is for the septic tank to prepare for having it cleaned out next week.  I'll give him that much.  I can honestly say that has never, ever been on my list of to-do's to prepare the household for when I go away.  But for all intents and purposes, it is amazing how much easier it is for the Dad to pack and leave than the Mom.  I am not sure if that's good or bad.  Gotta think about that one.

US vs. China

April 27th -- I don't know how it started exactly but tonight at dinner, we all were talking about the export deficit in the United States.  It kind of started when Brian and I talked about the tornadoes in April -- more than any on record for the month.  From there we went to Arizona's recent tornado disaster.  And that got me thinking about how it always seems like the United States does more to help other countries than our own.  That is, the other countries who produce our lifeblood -- oil.

From there, the conversation turned to the United States' isolationist period.  I don't know why, but lately I have been thinking about that period in history a lot.  I just think that the concept of turning inward and working out the kinks, giving ourselves oxygen so to speak, is so important.  We spend so much on wars -- in other countries -- but we spend nothing in comparison on helping ourselves become healthier.  In fact, for the last several years, our number one export is debt.

How stupid is that?

From there, the dinner conversation turned to examining what our exports were...and Riley and Brian soon had their iphones/ipods booted up to the internet.  Take China for example.  Last year we exported around 8 billion in goods to China.  (Our two top items?  Trash - paper waste, and scrap metal.  The Chinese took the paper wasted and created paper which they, in turn, sold back to us.)   The Chinese exported 50 billion dollars in goods to the United States.  Helloooooo.  Do the math.  They own us.  They really do.

Tiger Mom has the right idea.  Prepare her kids to be excellent.  To survive the takeover.  Because it's coming.  How could it not?  

I try to raise my kids to be kind to others.  Does that mean that we have to go into debt to be kind?  I don't think so.  The problem is, I am not sure how to get off of the team.  Or, more importantly, if we even can.  Kind of scary...

Computers Suck

April 25 -- Today, Brian had an awful scare.  A little while after he got to work, one of the accounting guys stopped by his office and asked him what his work credit card number was.  As Brian read off the numbers, the guy nodded.  "yeah," he said ominously, "it's you."  Brian freaked out; he had no idea what was going on.  Turned out, there were several mysterious charges to the account.  All related to XBox.  Brian was horrified.  Connor plays with an xbox.

While he waited to hear what the bank said about tracing the charges, Brian got more and more pissed off.  How could he not?  One or more of his own children had broken a major trust zone and had used his credit card (a work one of all things!) to buy games for the xbox.  This was particularly disturbing since we did not allow Connor to go on Xbox live which is necessary to have in order to buy those games via the internet.  (We were furious -- how could he have gotten that live component behind our backs?!)

Parents are stupid.  Seriously.  We are.  There are so many things in technology that kids understand far more profoundly than we do.  They run circles around us.  Brian and I spoke about five times today, totally upset about this breach of trust.  I found myself praying, please let it be a security breach with the card;  please let this not be Connor or Luke or both of them.

We got our answer late in the day.  When the bank didn't call back, Brian finally contacted XBox directly.  Within 10 seconds of the customer rep searching his account, he had his answer.  His card had been breached.  Someone was using it illegally.  There was no name, no formal account.  Connor and Luke had been cleared.  (thank God.)   Apparently, the various (and relatively few) online purchase Brian had made with this company card had been hacked and the personal information was stolen.

Or at least that is the story we have right now.  I do believe (and I am so relieved!!) that the boys are somewhat innocent with this particular situation.  But we have miles to go...miles to go.  Non-stop vigilance of these kids is a must.  Whew.  I am soooo exhausted!!

School Again and Everyone is Tired

April 25 -- So last night Tessa couldn't fall asleep.  She was totally wired from excitement about her first game today (which they lost) and going back to school.  I told her she would be okay -- just really tired tonight.  Sure enough, she was the first one up to bed after dinner.  The kid was exhausted.

So is everyone else.  (Except Luke who is totally on this stay up late kick getting ready for college and all...)  The kicker is that Brian and I have decided -- based on the kids' sports schedules and stuff that we are going to try to get to the gym at 5:30am.  Which means waking up at 5am.  Yuck.  But it would be great to get the gym effort in before the day begins.

We'll see how that goes...!

Easter

April 24 -- Had a great day with the fam today...there is always something interesting that pops up whenever our family all gets together.

Godchild Aaron told me I remind him of the mother on Modern Family.  I don't know.  I don't see it.

Krista was abuzz with wedding plans.  I still can't get over the absolute miracle of her connection with her fiancee.  The guy is amazing.  Truly.

Apparently all the kids watched the last episode of the Office, the one where everyone starts singing a good bye song to Michael (Steve Carell who is leaving the show.)  I guess Riley cried at that part.  That kid -- he is such a sensitive soul.

High of the day -- coming downstairs to see the Easter gift Riley bought me yesterday.  He was so excited about it, I made him move away from me at church last night and sit next to Brian.  I knew he would crack and tell me the surprise before this morning.  Anyway, he bought me a bouquet of flowers and left it on the island with a hand made card, "just hopping by to wish you a Happy Easter!"  So cute.  Now that kid is gonna make a great husband someday...  :)

Luke told everyone his official college plans.  It was so nice to see my brothers excited for him.  It is their alma mater after all.  My head is spinning with college stuff.  And I learn new things every day.  Oh well.  All part of life.

I am grateful for it all.  The good and the bad.  Truly.

Holy Saturday & Manicures

April 23 -- Today was a really bizarre day.  I don't know why but I just felt like I was gliding through the day and I wasn't really part of it.  Surreal.  That's the perfect word to describe it.

It was a grey and rainy outside which didn't do much to help elevate my mood.  I knew I was going to go to Ann's wake and I felt anxious about it.  I just felt so sad.  And the kids were fighting and Brian and I had so much to get done so we could spend the day at my sister's tomorrow.  

One bright note was when Luke came home safely from his road trip to Vassar.  I was actually, in a weird way, kind of proud of him. It was his first long road trip driving all alone.  I don't even want to know the details about his visit with Hilary but he said he had a great time and he looked really pleased with himself.  And then he left almost immediately to spend the day at work.  I truly never see the kid anymore.  I guess that's good training for next year.

In the meantime, I went to the wake.  As I expected, it was crowded and unbelievably sad.  There was her daughter, only a few weeks away from her wedding, smiling and greeting people as they came through the receiving line.  Oh, the irony.  I couldn't stop crying.  When I left the funeral home and got into my car I had decided -- I was going to go get a manicure.  I really can't remember ever getting a manicure before but somehow that's what I decided was going to turn my mood around.  I picked a very dark purple, almost black.  And I love it.  Brian says it doesn't do much for him but honestly?  I really don't care.  It's funky and different and when I look at my nails I feel like I am a different person.  At the moment, that works for me.

When I left the nail place, I bumped into two of my colleagues from work.  I figured they had been to the wake and they had.  I guess when they left, they were really stressed and sad so they went to have a beer.    I was like, ohhhh!  I wish I had known.  But on afterthought...I'm glad I went for the manicure.  It lasts longer than the buzz from the alcohol.  And works just as well.

Sudden Death

April 22nd -- When I was growing up, my childhood dream was to become a professional tennis player.  I would spend hours and hours practicing with the Tretorn tennis trainer, slamming the ball in my parents' driveway, and dreaming all the while about meeting Chrissy Evert.

But when I played the game, the place where I always panicked was when we were tied 6 all in games and had to play a "sudden death."  It always gave me the chills.  And I would inevitably choke.  Seriously.  It didn't happen a lot but my record on wins in sudden death was slim to none.

I don't play tennis anymore or if I do, we certainly don't keep score.  It's all I can do to keep the ball moving back and forth across the net.  But the expression still haunts me.  Maybe because I am getting older and more and more people I know are actually dying, a sudden death.  Most recently, I discovered that the wife of a sweet guidance counselor at my school, died suddenly without any warning, this past Tuesday.  I am totally shocked.  It's really unbelievable.   She was only 61 years old.   Al and his wife were busy preparing for their daughter's wedding.  I just talked to him about it last week.  In fact, one of the last things I did before I left for vacation was to talk to Al.  We set up a meeting for this coming Monday at 11am to update the other guidance counselors about the Independent Study I am doing with some juniors.

When I read Ann's obituary, I was horrified to see that the funeral is scheduled for this Monday... at 11am.

My heart goes out to Al and his family.  It is so sad -- holding a wake for his wife was the last thing he had planned for this Easter weekend.  I am thinking about that expression -- sudden death.  In tennis, it is because it goes very quickly and when it is over, someone has lost the set, and often the match.  I guess, in a weird way, it really does echo the real life meaning.  Except in this instance, it's the people who are left alive who are the ones who lose.  Instead of celebrating a win, they must work through grief and sadness.

Like I said.  It's an expression that will always give me the chills.

So Apple is Stalking Us? Geesh. Somebody Needs to Get a Life.

April 21 --  I read today on msn.com that Apple Inc. is being investigated because somehow, it has been determined that Apple can track where people are going throughout their day via unencrypted code on iPhones and iPads consumers have purchased.

Quite frankly, beyond my initial horror at the thought that there is an actual "big brother" concept in the works in today's society,  I find the whole idea of someone tracking my daily activities rather hysterical.  Yeah, I read 1984 and one of the things that cracks me up is the idea that someone would find my daily movements at all interesting.  Seriously.  I go back and forth to the school, to work and to various sports fields or music lessons.  Sometimes to the gym.  And the post office.  I walk the dog.   And sometimes I go to CVS.  Or maybe (on really exciting days) to the doctor's office.  Woo hoo.

Or track Brian's day.  To the office.  To a sales call.  To another sales call.  To a client.  Back to the office. To the sports field.  Home.  Wow.  A tantalizing day filled with amazing information for whatever marketing database is being fed with this "tracking" information.

I have this image of having my thoughts "watched" by the Orwellian Apple Thought Police.   I can hear them evaluating my thoughts now... "Oh there she is, freaking out again about how her sons keep forgetting to flush the toilet."  Or, "now she is picking up her kids' laundry and thinking how annoying it is that they can't bring their dirty clothes to the washing machine."  And why does she keep sighing whenever she looks at the shoes her husband leaves at the bottom of the stairs every night?

Yeah.  I've got some pretty stimulating drama in my life.  Along with all the other people who have iPads and iPhones and are trying to just get through every day with some sort of brain power still functioning.

 Poor Apple.  They must be really lonely, really in need of a life.  They must be stalking everyone so they can have a lot of friends like all the people on Facebook with 689 friends;  they hook up electronically with thousands of people they don't know so that they know they are not alone.  Huh.  As I type this blog, they are probably transmitting the information to alien life in another galaxy.  Yup.  I'm sure that's what this is all about.    Uh, oh...somebody might have just read that thought.  I better look out.

The Office

April 20th --  I just fell asleep on the love seat in the family room watching an Office re-run.  The love seat.  The reason I am repeating this is because I think it is an important detail not to be overlooked -- mainly because I am taller than the love seat. Ergo, I was in a somewhat cramped position and managed to pass out (completely -- I missed almost the entire episode) even though I was half way scrunched up with one leg dangling off of the end of the couch.  Not the most relaxing of sleep positions...

My point?  I am so incredibly exhausted.  We came back from our (very fun) very brief "trip" to NYC this afternoon and just dashed right back into the craziness of life.  (Not that NYC wasn't crazy -- there were lots of bizarre situations. Lots of 'em.)  So now we are back in the fray and I just -- for the first time ever -- fell asleep during The Office.  what can I say?  It happens.

Hopefully tomorrow, I will have more energy to write a somewhat legible blog entry.  Fingers crossed.

Nyc trip

April 19th -- Today we took the kids to NYC for s quick 24 hour vacation. we had a great time but twenty four hours is really not enough time to unwind. But gez, these kids are natural new Yorkers! I am so proud of how they negotiate the subway and the streets. But now it is late and everyone is crashed including Brian. So I am finishing this up and will call it a day.

For the record, great Pompei exhibit at the Discovery Museum!

Panic Attack

April 18 --  Last week when I went to the poetry workshop for teachers, a very remarkable thing happened.    There were about 100 or so teachers enrolled in the day long workshop and we had just all gotten assembled in a large room filled with tables for the welcome speech and introductory remarks.  After grabbing a muffin and a piece of fruit, I settled in at a table with several other attendees.   A few minutes later, the welcoming presentation began.

The director of the writing program at the college was the introductory speaker.  She was an older woman, maybe in her 60's and was slight in build.  Her voice was not loud but it was clear and as she spoke, I tuned her out a bit and started to look over the papers in the package of handouts we were given when we checked in.  Every few seconds, I would stop and look up at her and catch the drift of her speech.  It was fairly innocuous, mostly about teaching and the importance of poetry.  All of a sudden, she stopped.  And then I heard her say, quite distinctly, "I'm sorry.  I am having a panic attack."  All extraneous noise in the room -- murmuring conversations, papers being shuffled -- ceased immediately.  Every head faced forward, eyes fixed on this woman standing behind the podium, all alone in her misery.  I  thought to myself, a panic attack?  Really?!  It was bizarre.  I never saw a person have a panic attack before.  Or at least to my direct knowledge anyway.  I had no idea what to expect.  Would she run out of the room?  Start to cry?    What she did, was ask us if we minded if she "read her notes" instead of giving a speech without them.  Everyone nodded vigorously.  Whatever she needed to do, by all means go for it.

So she read her notes.  Tentatively at first and finally, by the end, she seemed to have her strength back.  The whole time, it was as though everyone was holding their breath.  I kept praying in my mind, please Lord, help her finish, help her finish!  And she did.

I think what that woman did was unbelievably brave.  I am guessing if it were me, I would have walked out of the room and never come back.  But not only did she admit what was going on to a room filled with strangers,  (honestly, we all agreed afterward that if she had just started reading her notes, nobody would have ever known something was amiss) but despite her panic stricken state, she plowed forward.

It was bizarre and amazing all at once.  I will never forget it.  Never.

Day 111

April 17th -- this is my 111th entry.  It seems like a really big number but the reality is that time is passing by so quickly I feel like it was just Christmas.  But it is, actually, nearly 1/3rd of the way through the year.  Crazy.

My sister asked me today if we were going to have a graduation party for Luke.  Although I am well aware that it is official that with the college deposit paid, he is indeed leaving high school for college, I still find it remarkably hard to believe.  The weird thing is that he turns 18 just before graduation.  So it is two hits in one.  It makes me feel so old...I know it sounds cliche but truly, he was just a baby!   And I was just doing study abroad for God's sake.  And now he is dreaming about it?  Planning for it?  Unbelievable.   As for the party -- yipes, I am not a good, relaxed big party planner kind of gal.  I am wondering...maybe he would just take money.

We Enroll Luke in a College -- yipes

April 16th -- It's official.  Today, when we were at Open House, we wrote a check for Luke's college deposit.  He is an official college incoming freshman.    Overall, we had a great day.  Everyone we met, everyone we spoke with (including the students we met casually beyond realm of volunteers helping out for Open House), everyone seems to love it there.  So when the time came, we went over to the Bursar's booth and wrote the check for his deposit.

It was actually rather painless.  So quick, I didn't feel a thing.  But I am unbelievably exhausted.  This search of Luke's and ours took us to all sorts of places literally and mentally (and spiritually!)  And he ended up signing on with the school he favored the least (although he favored all of them actually, just some more than others.)  Ironically, I think it's an excellent choice for him.  Cost wise, it is the best deal and since it is an excellent school, it's a great decision for all sorts of reasons.

I am happy for him, but nervous too.  But what scared me the most today was sitting in the back seat of my mini-van while he drove Brian and me home on the highway, in the rain.  Brian actually took a photo of me at one point while we were crossing the bridge, I think.  I am curled up in the seat, terrified.  I was terrified!   It's the first time I was with Luke while he drove through heavy city traffic on the highway.  But he got through it.  And so did I .  And I do believe he will get through all this college stuff too.  I just hope he believes it as well.

Writing Conference in NY -- I spend the day with a lot of smart people

April 15th -- Today I did something that I was really proud of.  A while back, I got this flyer advertising workshops presented by the Thinking and Writing Institute at  Bard College in NY.  I looked at the flyer and one of the workshops about teaching poetry looked interesting.  It said the school was on the Hudson River.  For some bizarre reason, I assumed that meant it was near NYC so I sent in a check.

I figured, why not?  It would be cool to attend the workshop with a lot of other English teachers.  It would give me a sense of perspective about the profession, help me in my quest to find a teaching job.  There were about 100 people there.  I was the only one who wasn't teaching in a classroom.  There were no teachers from a middle school that I saw on the list.  Interesting.  It was mostly high school teachers and college professors.

And it was awesome.  I met some very, very nice people who were interesting and smart.  I had a blast.  Right from the very start, I hung with this guy named Eric who had a 16 month old daughter, a woman named Tara who was really sweet and had a sixth month old boy and  a guy named Tom who had a six year old son.  He was actually one of the few participants who lived in my state.

The bottom line, as I said to my family tonight when I got home, is that I was proud of myself.  I sent a check to a school (where I was very wrong about location -- it was not anywhere near NYC!) and I drove all by myself  through practically all the cow pastures in upstate NY -- and I found it!  I was remarkably calm about going;  I barely stressed about it and actually looked forward to the adventure.  For the last couple of days and during the day today, I kept kind of "observing" myself.  I don't know why I was so calm about the trip -- most times I get a little tense about signing up for things that I have no clue who will be there or how it will turn out.  Plus, I went alone.  But I have to say, playing the role of the calm person on an adventure really appeals to me.  The courage part is duly noted.  And since I am my own worst critic, this is a great compliment to self!!!

My Latest Epiphany -- I am Quitting Running

April 14 --  My wonderful running friend Lori did me a huge favor this week.  She asked me to go running.  Since I had been going to the gym the last few months, I hadn't run in ages, but with the warm weather I found myself itching to get back outside.  So I said yes.  Since I knew that spinning class is extremely rigorous, I was curious to see how I would feel.  Would I love it?

When I set out this morning, I couldn't help but notice the sharp pain in my thigh.  It was definitely a muscle pain from yesterday's workout but it wasn't completely awful.  I decided to ignore it.  At first, when we set out down the path, I felt good.  Then the pain started to get worse.  With every stride, my leg pounded.  Then I could feel my glute muscle.  There was a sharp pain every time my right foot hit the ground.  By the time we stopped, it felt like someone was jabbing a pair of scissors into my right hip.

We stopped and talked for awhile and I got into the car.  When I got home, I went up the stairs and my left leg buckled.  Something was wrong with my knee.  I was like, what the heck?!!  I walked around the kitchen for a while and eventually the pain in my knee settled down.

That's when it hit me.  I never, ever, leave spinning class with all of that pain.  Duh.  It's low resistance, that's why.  After months of low impact cardio, my body was like, helloooo.  You are the daughter of two parents with nasty arthritis and joint issues.  You are not a spring chicken.  (Total bummer with that thought.)  I thought of my sister-in-law Maria who is my age almost exactly.  She was a huge runner.  Several years ago she hurt her neck.  When she started running again, she realized the impact was making her neck ache again.  She gave up running completely and became a walker.

And suddenly, I had my epiphany.  I am done with running.  Why, I asked myself, do I need to do that to my body?  I love the biking.  Or swimming, or tennis, or whatever cardio fix I will focus on next.  And walking?  I love walking.  I can talk when I walk.  It's great.  So Lori did me a favor by having me run.  It made me realize how ridiculous it is for me to do it.  I don't know.  Maybe I will start up again.  But for now?  Seriously.  What do I gain from making my joints ache?  The pounding clearly makes any minor issues I have feel even worse.  (I have always had issues with my right glute.)  It's like saying, hey, this food will make you feel lousy.  So do you eat it?  Well, no.  Not unless you enjoy feeling lousy.  I don't.

So yeah.  For now, I am quitting running.  Or stopping.  Or making a life change.  (that sounds healthier)  I know Lori likes to run.  I am happy for her.  And happy for me.  Because I think I am making a really smart decision.  There are many other ways to stay in shape.  And thankfully, I can do them.  With minimal pain.

Parenting Decisions -- They Never End

April 13 --  I have been procrastinating tonight.  I logged onto this blog site, hit the "new post" link and when this new blank page came onto my computer screen, I balked.  I couldn't write.  So I got a new safari page and googled "contemporary pendants" to shop for new lights for the kitchen.  That got boring so I came back to the blog.  Problem is, I had no idea what to write.  All I kept thinking about was this latest issue with Luke.

Turns out, Luke wants to go visit his girlfriend at her college next week during break.  On Saturday.  To come back on Sunday.  Easter Sunday.  At first I was thinking...he is almost 18.  Next year he is away from home.  If they do anything at college, it's not like they couldn't do it here at home.  She is a very nice girl and I do like her.  As far as missing the holiday, or being late for it -- he could be in a research program in a different country next year at Easter, who knows?  (that's a stretch, I realize, but again, the point is that I do expect the time will come when he will miss a family holiday.)   But...when we talked about it, I started to think about that weekend.  We have church on Saturday night.  It's a huge mass -- the Easter Vigil.  And then there is the little Easter basket hunt on Sunday morning.  And I realized that at this time in our lives, I don't think I am ready for Luke to miss that.  I am definitely NOT ready for him to miss mass.  So we thought about this for awhile.  We went back and forth.  I wonder, why is it so hard to say no?

But we did.

Maybe he will go another night.  For now though, the family holiday remains a family holiday.  For now.

The Bear Ate Our Homework

April 12 -- Tonight Tessa was late for trumpet lessons.  We raced over to the university as fast as we could for her weekly lesson with Larry, the best trumpet teacher ever.  As Tessa walked in I could hear her say quietly, "I'm sorry I am late."  Good girl, I thought.

When she was done with her lesson, Larry leaned out of the doorway and looked over at his next student, a teenage girl who was sitting patiently next to her father.  Then Larry looked over at me and grinned.  "Today I heard the most unique excuse for being late, ever!!!"  "It's true," I said as he laughed out loud.  "It really is!"

I knew he was referring to Tessa's excuse for our tardiness.

Tonight, as we were preparing to leave for Tessa's lesson, the dog started barking at the back door.  Connor started to yell.  Luke started to yell.  (Brian was on the phone with someone from godaddy.com who had called minutes earlier.)  I ran into the kitchen.  "It's a bear!" Connor screamed.  I looked out the window and sure enough, there was this huge black bear sauntering around our driveway.  "I am soooo not going out to the car right now!" I said as we watched him meander throughout the yard.  The bear was huge.  Huge!  As I observed the bear from the safety of my dining room window, I couldn't help but admire  how gracefully an animal that big can move.  And how quickly.  When it decided it had enough with our yard (and that the chickens were unreachable in their coop) he took off into the woods so fast, it was almost hard to imagine he was ever there.  (Fortunately, Luke documented his visit with his phone camera.)

I have to say, because we live near the state forest, it's not the first time we have seen a bear in our yard.  It is, however, the first time a bear made us late for trumpet lessons.  Oh well.  There's always a first for everything.

A Warm Spring Day, and Lily Is Attacked

April 11 --  So much for taking the kids away from the computer and tv screens and going for a hike in the woods.  What started as a time for fresh air and conversation with Tessa and Riley and the dog, ended in a horrible scene for everyone.  As we finished our hike and came out of the woods, we put Lily's leash on her.  Then we walked down the street a bit and started up our driveway. That's when the first dog came running over to Lily.  We shouted at the dog to send him home and before we all knew it, the neighbor's husky had run through the electric fence and was on top of Lily, growling fiercely.  She attacked Lily on the neck.

My kids were unbelievably brave.  Tessa shoved the husky dog off of Lily, literally pulling her up by the scruff of her neck and pushing her.  I grabbed the Husky after that but because the other dog was growling and shoving his way toward Lily, we all were screaming.  Riley laid on top of our dog to protect her and then picked her up when I told him to grab her.  I shouted to a neighbor for help (I admit, I was crying at this point) and he came over and grabbed the husky.

Poor Lily.  She has bite marks on her neck but the bleeding stopped. I think she will be fine.  But I am furious.  We were on our own driveway.  With our dog on a leash.  I know that the dogs' owner felt terrible.  But he better do something.  Put the dog on a leash.  Increase the electrical charge of the fence.  I don't care what he does.  But if they do nothing?  I will go to the authorities.  This is ridiculous.

Much Ado about Nothing to Write About

April 10 --  I can't believe I have been writing this blog for three whole months.  The worst part about it is when I have moments, like right now, when I sit down to write my daily entry and I have like, absolutely nothing to say.  Truly.  I am exhausted.  I just wrote this long emotional email with an attached letter to someone whom I have had a conflict with (based on my kids)  for a while.  I said a quick prayer and then sent it.  Except, it hasn't gone out.  As I sit here typing this blog, I am watching the little spin thing in the email box -- it just keeps turning and turning.  It's like the mailbox knows the email is emotional and dramatic and is hanging on to it...

yipes.  It just went out.  Ugghhh.  I hope it lands well.

Boring

APril 9 --  I feel really boring.  Actually, that's not the right adjective.  I am exhausted.  I have been writing a very difficult letter on behalf of a young boy who is in trouble.  I don't know him well and I know more about the situation then I can say in the letter.  So okay.  I am not boring.  I am emotionally drained.  And so sad.  This is all so sad.  THis poor kid really did something stupid and now he is caught.  It's weird in life, you want to say okay, that's it.  You're done.  But you're not.  Life is long and provides many chances to make things right.  That's my prayer for this young man anyway.

Book Club - Tiger Mom

April 8 -- Tonight was book club at Dana's.  I love bookclub;  everyone is so nice and smart and insightful.  We read Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother and it was a really good discussion.  One of the things I realized about the book is that I want a do-over.  Not so much a do-over for raising my kids, although there is a lot I would love to do differently now that I have this "tiger mom" perspective.  No, I would want to do my life over.  I look at the author, Amy Chua, and I am amazed at how much she accomplished, is accomplishing, in her life.

But then again, it's not in my gene pool.  For the daughter of European immigrants, I guess I came out alright after all.  I think so anyway.

I am Afraid of Monica

April 7 -- I really hope that Monica never reads this.  More than likely, she never will.  First of all, she is a lot younger than me, she listens to music I would never listen to unless I was forced to and, she doesn't know me.  So how do I know her?  ANd more importantly, why am I afraid of her?

She is my spinning teacher at the gym.  And really.  I am afraid of her.

It's not like I am afraid she will beat me up.  And she is about average in how hard she works us.  (Terry is much, much worse and I am not afraid of her!)  No, I just recognized that she is one of those people I am afraid to say anything contradictory to.  Even when she asks us to.

Monica:  Tell me if the music is too loud.  (She puts her thumb down to show that we want her to lower the music.)

Me:  (sweating like crazy during a "climb.")   Cricket, cricket chirp, chirp.  (And all the while I am thinking, ouch!  The bass in this wild heavy metal song is totally killing my eardrums!!)  But I say nothing.  Not a sound.  (unless you count heavy breathing.)

After the class Monica says again, "if anybody wants me to change the music, let me know!"  And she has this sweet, chirpy voice that almost makes you believe she is telling you the truth.  But I know better.  I saw her shut down the blonde bride-to-be who is clearly spinning so she can fit into her wedding dress come August.  She went up to Monica after class last week and asked for Britney Spears.  "The new album is soooo awesome!" she cooed.  I was walking by to get my paper towel and the cleaning spray to wipe down my bike.  I couldn't resist.  "You know, they say she doesn't even write her music."   The wedding planner pouts.  "So what?  It's great music!!"  Monica, who only seconds before asked for suggestions, cocks her head and looks at the Barbie Bride.   She grins widely.  And then her face gets totally serious.   "Ummmmm, no, " she responds.  I looked over at Barbie.  She had this frozen smile on her face as though she were totally confused.   "Really?" she tried again.  And Monica shut her down.  Again.  "Ummmmm. No.  No Britney.  Sorry!"  She added with a smile.

Yipes.  I get the shivers just thinking about another class with wild heavy metal songs.  Monica yells out to us, "Listen to the words!!  Get pumped!  Let the music guide you!!"  And I am thinking, are you kidding me?!  I can't even tell what they are saying!"

Maybe next week I will get the courage to go up to her after class with some other suggestions.  Like Rocky.  Or Flashdance.  Or...maybe not.   Like I said,  I am afraid.  I am very afraid.

Is Spring ever coming??

April 6 -- The kids are starting their spring sports seasons and omg it still feels like winter.  This morning looked promising with its blue sky and sunshine -- a nice change after a bunch of freezing, rainy (and snowy!) grey days.  But then the clouds came back in and by the time I left the gym after class tonight, it was raining and freezing.  I stood at the gas station pumping (disgustingly) expensive gas into my super cool mini van and I bundled up with the winter jacket I had left in the car.  (Thank God!)

This is just stupid.  Could Winter please let go???  Even with my awful spider veins, I am actually looking forward to wearing shorts again.  But right now, that warmth seems very far away...

Sex in Croatia

April 5 --  Okay, this blog is absolutely not about sex.  I am saying that in the very first sentence because i want to make it perfectly clear right from the get-go.  One of the things that I have noticed about this blog writing adventure is that I get a ton of hits from some of my titles that have national (or international) allure.  The Britney Spears one has been quite popular.  I don't plan this.  It just happens.

And today I noticed that someone read my blog in the Ukraine.  And in Croatia.  Seriously??  Do they even understand it?  How cool is that?  I had three hits from Denmark.  I love Denmark.  (Do they have sex in Denmark?  Of course they do.)  Oops.  I said this blog wasn't about sex.  I lied.

Okay I will come clean.  I have absolutely nothing of value to write about tonight.  I just wrote a really emotional email to someone who is going through a very difficult time with her teenage son.  I know a lot about going through tough times with a teenage son.  It's not a happy or pretty subject.  But she called me today and asked me for advice. So I gave her some for what it is worth.  But I can barely keep my own parenting head above water so it wasn't an easy email to write.  And when I wrote the email, I used up all of my writing passion and energy.  So now I am writing this blog and I have nothing left.  I am empty.  Naturally, I thought about sex.  Who wouldn't?

UConn Huskies are National Champs -- Go UConn!!

April 4 -- I love college sports; I just do.  It's such an excellent blend of talent, passion and amazing athletic theater that far surpasses the performances in the professional, highly paid arena of post-NCAA sports.   These kids are playing to win, pure and simple.  They are not in it for the money, not for the professional glory.   They play because they love the game.  March Madness never fails to find me sitting on the couch, glued to the tv and cheering on one favored team or another.

I will never forget the winter basketball season after our daughter Brianna died.  Watching the UConn Huskies play Big East basketball and head for the Sweet 16 was a bright light in my otherwise grief-stricken days.  It gave me something to hope for, to cheer for.  As those boys and girls fought for their dream, I gained the courage to reach for mine.  It wasn't until 1999, five years after Brianna died in my arms, that Calhoun won his first National basketball championship.  But  it was during the 1994/95 season that the UConn team finally got the national recognition they deserved.

And now, on the eve of our oldest son's decision to "play" ( learn!) at UConn, it seems only fitting that the boys basketball team would win the National Championship for the third time since 1999.  It's all about faith, believing that you have the strength to get back into the game after you have taken a tough hit (of which there are many in life) and going for the win.  Playing your best, studying your hardest, being the best you can be -- and, like Emily Dickinson's "hope"...  continuously singing the tune without the words and never stopping at all.

Go UConn.

"Salt" If it were a guy it would be different.

April 3 --  We just saw the movie, "Salt" with Angelina Jolie.  For the first twenty minutes Tessa watched but then she went up to bed.  For the rest of the movie it was me and three males watching this action packed thriller where a female CIA agent/Russian spy takes down like 30 guys to save the United States from complete and utter destruction.

Of course it was unrealistic.   At first I kept saying to the boys, "hey, stop groaning.  If it were a male lead in this movie and he was jumping from the top of a truck to an oil tanker to another truck (on a highway) you would believe it!  Just because it's a woman..."  But even I got kind of jaded after awhile.  As amazing as Angelina Jolie is with all of her children and charitable causes, I just had a hard time when she punched a guy once in the head and whoa...he is out stone cold.

Nonetheless, it was nice to see a woman kick some ass.  It's actually quite amazing.  Even when she is bloody and has her hair dyed jet black, she just manages to always look so darn pretty!  Impressive.

One Step Closer to the College Decision...

April 2nd -- It is amazing how much I did not like the college search process this past year.  And most parents whom I speak with about this agree.  It's just not fun.  Maybe if we had unlimited funds, then it would be a cakewalk but we don't, so it isn't.

I was reading an article in the paper today about college rejections.  This past week was the target week for all of the responses to students who applied for the January 1st deadline.  It talked about how bogus some of the letters to the students are...Georgetown's letter said something like, "we are so sorry you cannot join us..." (As the reporter said in the article, it really does sound like they're talking about an invitation to a social gathering!)

Most articles about college applications cite at least once that the number of college applications have gone up dramatically in the past year or two.  This is largely due to the common application which, when done, can go to a vast majority of the colleges throughout the entire country.  Because kids don't have to do a completely new application for each school they apply to, they are more likely to apply to more schools.  Which leads me to my "aha" moment. The schools are doing the happy dance!  They are riding the wave created by all of the parents' intensity and competitiveness as they encourage their kids to apply to many, many schools.  (One of Luke's friends applied to like, 14 schools!)  So the reason why schools are so happy is because they are making lots and lots of money!  Sure, they have to evaluate more applications but at $85 a pop, they are still making a profit.  Yale had nearly 28,000 applications.  Multiply that by each application fee of $85 and Yale made nearly 2.4 million dollars!!  Crazy.

Which leads me to the college luncheon for scholarship recipients that Luke and Brian went to today.  He and Brian had an awesome time being wooed by the school hosting the luncheon.  One of the speakers put it this way, "a few months ago, we in admissions had all the power.  Now all of you have the power.  We want you to come here but it's all up to you.  We hope you pick us."  Seeing as it is an excellent school with a strong academic reputation, and that it costs the least out of all the schools he got accepted to, I think that's where he will end up going.  Brian said he was beaming at the luncheon today.  Luke hasn't "beamed" a real lot lately.   So I have to say, albeit with some trepidation, I am getting excited.  Is it the best choice?  Who knows?  But it's the best one for him at the moment.  And that's all anyone can ask for.  Including (and especially) Luke.

Smoking Pot in a School Bathroom? Never a Good Idea.

April 1st --  I wish this was an April Fool's joke but it isn't.  Sadly, a boy I have known since he was in kindergarten, a boy I like (and still do!) was caught smoking pot in the school bathroom at middle school today.  He was with two other boys,  one whom I have known since before he was in kindergarten.  It just breaks my heart;  it really does.

First of all, what were they thinking???!  I know that kids go through this period in life where they think they are invisible but seriously, did they not think that the smoke from the pot would like, smell?!  That a teacher or innocent student might stumble upon their illegal maneuvers?  Of course they were going to get caught!  How could they not?  They were in the public school bathroom for goodness sake!

What I find most interesting is how upset Tessa and her friends are.  Maybe the word I am searching for is "hopeful"  instead of "interesting."   I am glad they are upset.  That they think it's awful and sad.  I do too.  No 13 year old should be experimenting with drugs.   It's just sad.  It really is.  I couldn't say this to Tessa but honestly?  In this day and age, it is a scenario that could have just about anybody's kid playing a role.  I do not, for one second, believe that my kids are angels.  No way.   It's like that expression "there by the grace of God go I..."

But I will pray for that little boy -- he is little! -- and his family.   From the sounds of what went down after he and his friends were caught, it doesn't look good.  He is going to need all the help he can get.