Panic Attack

April 18 --  Last week when I went to the poetry workshop for teachers, a very remarkable thing happened.    There were about 100 or so teachers enrolled in the day long workshop and we had just all gotten assembled in a large room filled with tables for the welcome speech and introductory remarks.  After grabbing a muffin and a piece of fruit, I settled in at a table with several other attendees.   A few minutes later, the welcoming presentation began.

The director of the writing program at the college was the introductory speaker.  She was an older woman, maybe in her 60's and was slight in build.  Her voice was not loud but it was clear and as she spoke, I tuned her out a bit and started to look over the papers in the package of handouts we were given when we checked in.  Every few seconds, I would stop and look up at her and catch the drift of her speech.  It was fairly innocuous, mostly about teaching and the importance of poetry.  All of a sudden, she stopped.  And then I heard her say, quite distinctly, "I'm sorry.  I am having a panic attack."  All extraneous noise in the room -- murmuring conversations, papers being shuffled -- ceased immediately.  Every head faced forward, eyes fixed on this woman standing behind the podium, all alone in her misery.  I  thought to myself, a panic attack?  Really?!  It was bizarre.  I never saw a person have a panic attack before.  Or at least to my direct knowledge anyway.  I had no idea what to expect.  Would she run out of the room?  Start to cry?    What she did, was ask us if we minded if she "read her notes" instead of giving a speech without them.  Everyone nodded vigorously.  Whatever she needed to do, by all means go for it.

So she read her notes.  Tentatively at first and finally, by the end, she seemed to have her strength back.  The whole time, it was as though everyone was holding their breath.  I kept praying in my mind, please Lord, help her finish, help her finish!  And she did.

I think what that woman did was unbelievably brave.  I am guessing if it were me, I would have walked out of the room and never come back.  But not only did she admit what was going on to a room filled with strangers,  (honestly, we all agreed afterward that if she had just started reading her notes, nobody would have ever known something was amiss) but despite her panic stricken state, she plowed forward.

It was bizarre and amazing all at once.  I will never forget it.  Never.