Fear of Success

June 21 -- First day of summer and it was a beautiful one.

Tomorrow I have an interview. It's a second interview which is a first for me this year.  So far, I have never made it past the first round although I was apparently a number two candidate once.  The prospects for doing well with this interview looks good becauseI know and like all of the people interviewing me.  But that does not mean it's a done deal.  I have been in this place before and I didn't get hired.  No, I am not a horrible interviewer.  When I call for feedback I always hear that I did really well but that they were looking for someone with more specific experience, less experience, more experience, whatever.

I am realizing, as I reflect on the fact that I have made it to the second round, that I could very well get hired.  And what I am feeling is absolute panic.  Sheer fear.  I know I can do the job.  I know I can do it well.  But do I really, really want to?  Do I really want to give up my flexible schedule?  ugghhh.  I cannot believe it but yes, I have a fear of succeeding.  How weird is that?  I have always found that expression to be so odd.  Who would be afraid of winning?  Everyone wants to win don't they?  I guess it ties into the expression, "be careful what you wish for."  I don't know.  I don't know.  I don't know.  But I do know this -- tomorrow I have an interview.  And I might even get the job.  I guess I will figure out the next step when -- or if -- I get there.