August 31st -- Okay, I will not fill out the rest of the year with the run-down of how many days are left in the school year. But I would be lying if I didn't say I was thinking about it!
My days are so full right now. It's bizarre. But I did make it to the gym tonight -- woo hoo. I have to remember that there is a part of me who is not a teacher, who is just...a girl who wants to stay in shape! (as best as I can at my ripe old age:)
So now it's off to bed.
On another note though...I am totally loving how Connor and Tessa are getting along right now. With both of them on the same sports team (essentially -- the boys and girls xc teams practice together) they are really learning to help each other and to laugh at each other too. And Connor's friends are being so nice to her -- she is so lucky! When I was in high school, I was so embarrassed about my older brothers' antics, I had to deny being related to them when people asked. (actually, that started already in elementary school.) sigh.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
First Day of School -- 1 down 179 to go
August 30th -- When the buzzer went off at 2pm today I was so excited. I had made it through my first day. It wasn't a spotless day, not by any means. But I met my students and...I liked them! I mean, granted, we are all in the honeymoon period; in a couple of weeks I will see their true colors and they will see mine. But for the most part, I think that they all recognize that I have a very different approach then many of their other teachers. For starters, I am not right out of college. That makes a huge difference in how I view them and how they view me.
Luke texted me during the day but I didn't get it till the end of the day. While he was picking up his football tickets, he met a couple of women who knew me from when I taught years ago. I guess they saw his name on the tickets and asked him if he was Luke. He called me tonight to explain and, for some odd reason, during the conversation he kept slipping into a British accent. Not sure what that was all about but when I asked him how his roommate situation was going, he said "excellent". Can't ask for better than that I guess. British accent or not.
So I have 179 days of school to go before summer vacation. I am seriously counting the days and here is why: everything I do this year is a first. While I am looking forward to next year when I can say, "oh yeah, I know how to do attendance in the caf study hall," I am very much going to appreciate the now as I go through each day. My favorite part (surprisingly!) is how close I feel to my kids. Connor and Tessa dropped off their school stuff in my classroom when they ran with the XC teams. I went over to the middle school and got Riley after school. He did some work for me in the classroom and then did his homework. After practice was over we all went home together, everyone re-hashing the events of their day. Maybe that didn't seem like much but to me, hearing their excited voices weave their stories together was a gift much appreciated. Or as they say in the commercials, "priceless."
Luke texted me during the day but I didn't get it till the end of the day. While he was picking up his football tickets, he met a couple of women who knew me from when I taught years ago. I guess they saw his name on the tickets and asked him if he was Luke. He called me tonight to explain and, for some odd reason, during the conversation he kept slipping into a British accent. Not sure what that was all about but when I asked him how his roommate situation was going, he said "excellent". Can't ask for better than that I guess. British accent or not.
So I have 179 days of school to go before summer vacation. I am seriously counting the days and here is why: everything I do this year is a first. While I am looking forward to next year when I can say, "oh yeah, I know how to do attendance in the caf study hall," I am very much going to appreciate the now as I go through each day. My favorite part (surprisingly!) is how close I feel to my kids. Connor and Tessa dropped off their school stuff in my classroom when they ran with the XC teams. I went over to the middle school and got Riley after school. He did some work for me in the classroom and then did his homework. After practice was over we all went home together, everyone re-hashing the events of their day. Maybe that didn't seem like much but to me, hearing their excited voices weave their stories together was a gift much appreciated. Or as they say in the commercials, "priceless."
Monday, August 29, 2011
NIght Before School Starts -- For all of us!
August 29 -- Since Hurricane Irene gave us one more day of vacation, school officially starts tomorrow, for my public school kids, my college kid, and for me. WHen I think about standing up in front of those kids tomorrow, I feel a mixture of excitement and downright fear. Which leads me to the million dollar question -- why the hell am I doing this? Why am I trading in my easier schedule for something that leaves me gasping for air. (Seriously, with three different classes to prepare for, i am finding myself on the verge of hyper ventilation -- quite often.)
I do realize that, like sending my son to college, this change is a good thing, a positive thing. It's time for me to use my skills and passions to help others. I want to do that. And as for the job itself, for God's sake, the insurance benefits alone are amazing, never mind the additional income. And it's not like we couldn't make it on Brian's salary alone. Every since I was like six years old and had my paper route, I knew that a part of what made me tick was earning my own way. I have had 15 lovely years home with my kids and honestly, that's a gift that not everyone gets to have. I realize that. But change is change and it's hard. It's time for me to grow, mentally and spiritually. ALready in these last few weeks I have accomplished much to prepare for this new adventure. I am organized (I think!) and I have some decent ideas about how to present my material. But I am exhausted too. And insecure. And it really hasn't even begun.
But as I said to Luke so many years ago when his chickens were murdered one dark winter night, "we aren't the first farmers to lose our livestock and we won't be the last!" That logic applies to me too. I am not the first mom to go back to working after the kids got older and I won't be the last. In all honesty, when I think of my mother, I am most proud of her when I think about how she went to work at the local community college to help out with medical insurance when my dad was laid off. She was a chocolate mess about working again but she did it. And eventually, she liked it too! In my mind, that part of her life made her a very interesting person to me. She seemed more multi-dimensional. I hope, in some way, that I will model that to my kids as well.
We'll see. One day at a time.
I do realize that, like sending my son to college, this change is a good thing, a positive thing. It's time for me to use my skills and passions to help others. I want to do that. And as for the job itself, for God's sake, the insurance benefits alone are amazing, never mind the additional income. And it's not like we couldn't make it on Brian's salary alone. Every since I was like six years old and had my paper route, I knew that a part of what made me tick was earning my own way. I have had 15 lovely years home with my kids and honestly, that's a gift that not everyone gets to have. I realize that. But change is change and it's hard. It's time for me to grow, mentally and spiritually. ALready in these last few weeks I have accomplished much to prepare for this new adventure. I am organized (I think!) and I have some decent ideas about how to present my material. But I am exhausted too. And insecure. And it really hasn't even begun.
But as I said to Luke so many years ago when his chickens were murdered one dark winter night, "we aren't the first farmers to lose our livestock and we won't be the last!" That logic applies to me too. I am not the first mom to go back to working after the kids got older and I won't be the last. In all honesty, when I think of my mother, I am most proud of her when I think about how she went to work at the local community college to help out with medical insurance when my dad was laid off. She was a chocolate mess about working again but she did it. And eventually, she liked it too! In my mind, that part of her life made her a very interesting person to me. She seemed more multi-dimensional. I hope, in some way, that I will model that to my kids as well.
We'll see. One day at a time.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Hi Fran!
August 28 -- School was canceled for this Monday because of Irene so I spent today working on my lesson plans and getting a little more organized for this new job of mine which now, officially, starts on Tuesday. I am slowly gaining a foothold on an overall theme for my classes, an umbrella statement that gives me a broad and realistic goal for designing my lessons. For example, if my job were a fitness instructor, my goal would be to help clients live healthy lives. As an English teacher, my goal is to teach students about writer's purpose. This applies to both reading and writing and, in the process, helps me reach my other goal -- to help students learn about themselves in the process. Seeing as there was no set curriculum for me to use, defining this purpose is a great step for me.
Anyway, as I sat at my desk plugging away at the course material, I realized that I was missing Luke. A lot. I just felt this gaping hole, like the feeling you had when you were six years old and you lost a tooth and your tongue just kept going to the empty spot. And as your tongue slipped into the crevice it felt totally foreign and a little unsettling to have nothing there where there was once a solid tooth. But the good news was that even though you missed the tooth, you knew that a new one, a bigger one, was growing in. That's kind of how I was feeling. I would turn in my chair to ask Luke a question and realize that he wasn't home. And I would remind myself that he was doing something great, something exciting and new and totally wonderful. But it still hurt. I miss him.
For some reason, whenever I went through this thought process, I kept thinking about my friend Liz (see Feb 23rd blog entry) who, the last time we spoke, was dating some Indian guy. I decided to give her a call. When I reached her, she was in the middle of getting ready for a "Skype date" with some new dude from like, the Netherlands or something. I am immensely proud of Liz's courage to meet someone new -- I swear her divorce history should go in the Guinness World Book of Records. I mean it went on and on, and on. Her ex was a real jerk. (and that's putting it mildly.)
So when we spoke she told me this totally wild story about her sister's friend Fran, who Liz has gotten to know. Apparently, Fran told Liz that she reminded her of this woman who writes a blog. Yeah. My blog. Fran lives like 120 miles away. How she found my blog, I have no idea but the fact that she knows my dear friend Liz and ummmm, compared our type of thinking/writing just blows my mind. I got tears in my eyes when Liz told me. And tonight, at dinner, I told Brian and the kids the story. Brian got the chills (so he said :) and the kids whooped in delight. "Yeah mom!" they shouted. It's kind of a nice feeling when your kids think you are a rock star so...I have to thank you Fran, if you are still reading my blogs and you happen to see this shout out to you. I am not sure what you are getting from my words but I feel a little less lonely writing these entries now that I know a friend of a dear friend of mine is reading them. As Liz would say, hearing that story was like "getting a wink from God."
Small world. Totally, totally small world.
Anyway, as I sat at my desk plugging away at the course material, I realized that I was missing Luke. A lot. I just felt this gaping hole, like the feeling you had when you were six years old and you lost a tooth and your tongue just kept going to the empty spot. And as your tongue slipped into the crevice it felt totally foreign and a little unsettling to have nothing there where there was once a solid tooth. But the good news was that even though you missed the tooth, you knew that a new one, a bigger one, was growing in. That's kind of how I was feeling. I would turn in my chair to ask Luke a question and realize that he wasn't home. And I would remind myself that he was doing something great, something exciting and new and totally wonderful. But it still hurt. I miss him.
For some reason, whenever I went through this thought process, I kept thinking about my friend Liz (see Feb 23rd blog entry) who, the last time we spoke, was dating some Indian guy. I decided to give her a call. When I reached her, she was in the middle of getting ready for a "Skype date" with some new dude from like, the Netherlands or something. I am immensely proud of Liz's courage to meet someone new -- I swear her divorce history should go in the Guinness World Book of Records. I mean it went on and on, and on. Her ex was a real jerk. (and that's putting it mildly.)
So when we spoke she told me this totally wild story about her sister's friend Fran, who Liz has gotten to know. Apparently, Fran told Liz that she reminded her of this woman who writes a blog. Yeah. My blog. Fran lives like 120 miles away. How she found my blog, I have no idea but the fact that she knows my dear friend Liz and ummmm, compared our type of thinking/writing just blows my mind. I got tears in my eyes when Liz told me. And tonight, at dinner, I told Brian and the kids the story. Brian got the chills (so he said :) and the kids whooped in delight. "Yeah mom!" they shouted. It's kind of a nice feeling when your kids think you are a rock star so...I have to thank you Fran, if you are still reading my blogs and you happen to see this shout out to you. I am not sure what you are getting from my words but I feel a little less lonely writing these entries now that I know a friend of a dear friend of mine is reading them. As Liz would say, hearing that story was like "getting a wink from God."
Small world. Totally, totally small world.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Late At Night, A Hurricane Approaches
August 27 -- All day, for the last several days actually, everyone has been up in arms about this Hurricane Irene. Stores shut early today, a day earlier than the actual storm. Water disappeared from store shelves as everyone braced for the storm. Schools cancelled Monday classes. All in anticipation of power outages and flooding.
It's totally weird. I have not listened to any local forecasts so I have no clue about when this storm will hit. I only have an awareness that it is coming. It just seemed surreal standing in a store parking lot today, the store windows dark, the door locked, the lot empty of any cars except mine. And it was only drizzling out. Just weird. Obviously I hope and pray that it is not fierce and diabolical when it hits our state tomorrow. But there is this part of me that says the media had nothing else to get excited about lately...especially the weather channels.
It's totally weird. I have not listened to any local forecasts so I have no clue about when this storm will hit. I only have an awareness that it is coming. It just seemed surreal standing in a store parking lot today, the store windows dark, the door locked, the lot empty of any cars except mine. And it was only drizzling out. Just weird. Obviously I hope and pray that it is not fierce and diabolical when it hits our state tomorrow. But there is this part of me that says the media had nothing else to get excited about lately...especially the weather channels.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Luke is at College -- It's official
August 26th -- geez, I have had this date etched into my mind for months. Ever since Luke accepted at the end of April. And now we have gone through this milestone day -- I brought my first born son to college. I am really sad but I am so happy for him. Even though he seemed really tired and clearly irritated by life (and overwhelmed by everything) I think he will enjoy it immensely. I bawled all day yesterday -- today I was focused on getting his room organized (it looks great-- his side anyway. I have to say, I am such a decorator. I mean, it's not like it's out of a magazine, it just works really, really well. I am so glad I bought the pieces I did.)
So now I can picture him in his habitat. (which will never be as neat as I left it, I'm sure. ) and we met his roommate who seems like a really nice kid. And now I am drinking wine. Heavily. And then off to bed because with this Irene hurricane coming, there is sooooo much to do tomorrow!
But I do miss the Lukie man...
So now I can picture him in his habitat. (which will never be as neat as I left it, I'm sure. ) and we met his roommate who seems like a really nice kid. And now I am drinking wine. Heavily. And then off to bed because with this Irene hurricane coming, there is sooooo much to do tomorrow!
But I do miss the Lukie man...
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Weird TItles
August 25 -- One of the things that I find most interesting about writing this blog is the stats page. It lists the blog entries that people read. I am actually quite amazed that anyone "hits" this blog and reads it anyway but I think, from what I understand, that it's kind of a random thing. That someone might google a phrase or word and if my entry or title has the same phrase in it, my blog site will pop up. Having said that, the top blog hits are always about sex. Seriously. I didn't necessarily write about anything specific but it's the WORD. In over 200 entries, like two of them have an "x rated word" in the title. For example, I wrote about "Sex in Croatia" which really isn't about anything and that gets hits all the time. Or the entry, "Germany's Nudist Hiking Trail" -- tons of hits. So my million dollar question is...really? Really?!!! WHy do the majority of people google stuff like that? My entries are basically G rated. Okay, pg and sometimes pg-13. But not x rated, which I suspect, is what someone is looking for when they google the word, "sex." yuck.
So that previous paragraph was a total avoidance of the issue at hand...Luke leaves in the am. I was a mess all day and then tonight, three things happened. One is that Luke wrote me this awesome mantra for me to keep in my desk at school. Oddly, after reading it, my confidence level about teaching went up. And then, I was cleaning the kitchen (which always makes me feel better) and I thought of one of my personal goals I will set for teaching this year -- based on a terrible but unbelievably enlightening experience I had at school today. Seriously, it was a major epiphany! And finally, I found Luke's Oakley sunglasses based on pure mommy detective work. I rock! And now, I feel so much better. Weird. And to think it had absolutely nothing to do with sex. (Much to Brian's chagrin!!!:)
So that previous paragraph was a total avoidance of the issue at hand...Luke leaves in the am. I was a mess all day and then tonight, three things happened. One is that Luke wrote me this awesome mantra for me to keep in my desk at school. Oddly, after reading it, my confidence level about teaching went up. And then, I was cleaning the kitchen (which always makes me feel better) and I thought of one of my personal goals I will set for teaching this year -- based on a terrible but unbelievably enlightening experience I had at school today. Seriously, it was a major epiphany! And finally, I found Luke's Oakley sunglasses based on pure mommy detective work. I rock! And now, I feel so much better. Weird. And to think it had absolutely nothing to do with sex. (Much to Brian's chagrin!!!:)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
One Day Left till Luke leaves...
August 25 -- Luke leaves for school on one day and I am still not ready. Seriously. with the packing, yeah. We are really good. One more load of wash and all of his clothes are done. The items on the dining room table just need to be boxed and stuffed into the van. But emotionally? I have given myself so little time to think about it and my head is spinning from new teacher training and professional development (and trying to learn the curriculum so I can prepare and teach it!) that I am feeling I have not had enough time to get ready for Luke being gone.
This morning I said to Brian, "ohhh, Luke can take care of it on Saturday. " At which point I realized, he is not here on Saturday! And then I started to cry. I am sooooo tired! I know I am not the first mom to send her child off to college and I won't be the last. But it's still hard. It's still fricken' hard.
This morning I said to Brian, "ohhh, Luke can take care of it on Saturday. " At which point I realized, he is not here on Saturday! And then I started to cry. I am sooooo tired! I know I am not the first mom to send her child off to college and I won't be the last. But it's still hard. It's still fricken' hard.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
My Classroom is Ready. (Not sure if I am!)
August 23 -- Finished new teacher training today. Luckily I didn't have to go on the building tour so I spent the rest of the day in my classroom, getting rid of all of Brenda's stuff I didn't need and clearing everything out, and bringing my stuff in. Everyone who comes in comments on how nice it looks. I hope they aren't just being nice because it's important to me -- I want to feel at home in there. And I do. Oddly, I do.
Tomorrow is full staff. I get introduced as a new staff member in front of the whole district. It's only for a second but i am really proud of myself. But then it's back to work. I know it's like getting hit by a tidal wave so I was hell bent to get the room as organized as possible. the rest will come. (i hope and pray anyway!) Now on to completing the lesson plans!!
Tomorrow is full staff. I get introduced as a new staff member in front of the whole district. It's only for a second but i am really proud of myself. But then it's back to work. I know it's like getting hit by a tidal wave so I was hell bent to get the room as organized as possible. the rest will come. (i hope and pray anyway!) Now on to completing the lesson plans!!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Luke's Bonfire
August 22 -- first day of work today -- new teacher training. I am utterly exhausted and don't know what to think! I feel like I have no time left to prepare. I know that isn't true but the reality is with Luke leaving for college on Friday, I really don't have a lot of time. ughhh.
Luke's bonfire tonight was nice but surprisingly mellow. Everyone seemed like they were more pensive, thinking about their next adventure in college with a mixture of joy and trepidation. I am excited for them but sad. I have known some of these kids since they were totally little!!! It's funny though. I feel like in many ways, what I am experiencing now reflects their emotions almost exactly!
Luke's bonfire tonight was nice but surprisingly mellow. Everyone seemed like they were more pensive, thinking about their next adventure in college with a mixture of joy and trepidation. I am excited for them but sad. I have known some of these kids since they were totally little!!! It's funny though. I feel like in many ways, what I am experiencing now reflects their emotions almost exactly!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Letter to Students
August 21 -- I start work tomorrow in my second career (sort of) as an English teacher. It's been 15 years since I was last teaching full time and I am excited and nervous. All at once. I was just writing my letter to the students and I wrote the following (it did much to quell my fears about starting a new job and...sending my Luke to college this week!)
I have many favorite quotes but when I think about selecting one, I go to Eleanor Roosevelt who was a very strong and amazing woman and a tremendous role model. She was married to President Franklin D. Roosevelt and was very active in supporting human rights throughout the world. She helped start the United Nations and later became a US delegate. Her quote, “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you cannot do,” is something that resonates with me. As I have gone through my life, I have been faced with many challenges, many moments of fear where I wanted to turn away. We all do. I come from parents who were immigrants; my Polish father was captured by the German soldiers in WWII and was forced to work in a labor camp in Germany. He was only 17 years old, a year younger than my oldest son who is now in his first year in college. When I am faced with fear, I think of my family who, through love, hard work and tremendous courage has succeeded in building a great life in this country. As a result, I have tried to model my life on that lesson in courage.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Doing the Teacher Stuff
August 19 -- Tessa has a room full of girls sleeping over and I am thinking...how will I handle a room of 20 + teens if the 8 girls are driving me crazy?!
No. They're fine. I am lucky Tessa has nice girlfriends...
But right now I am soooooo tired of school stuff. I have been working all day. My goal was to get all of the overviews done and I have one more to go which isn't bad at all. (I actually didn't think I would get as far as I did.) They are really nice. I can tell though...lotta work ahead!!! As I write the overview I can't help but freak a bit -- so much to learn before I can even teach it.
No. They're fine. I am lucky Tessa has nice girlfriends...
But right now I am soooooo tired of school stuff. I have been working all day. My goal was to get all of the overviews done and I have one more to go which isn't bad at all. (I actually didn't think I would get as far as I did.) They are really nice. I can tell though...lotta work ahead!!! As I write the overview I can't help but freak a bit -- so much to learn before I can even teach it.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
The Bear Stole our Trash and Other Sad Stuff
August 18 -- Tessa's birthday today and I think she had a nice day. She certainly got a lot of presents. :) Even though it was a happy day, it was a sad one too because for some weird reason, all day long I got sad news after sad news. Sad story after sad story. I am not kidding. It seemed like nearly every person who called to wish Tessa Happy Birthday had something sad to share as well. It was like, "have a great day Tessa! And now can I talk to your mom?" So then I got on the phone and got the sad stuff...Debbie's sister who, at Krista's wedding said to me, "I just wanted to make it for this," took a turn for the worse two days after the wedding. Today she was sent home with a hospice nurse. "I am going up to say goodbye," said Debbie. I was sitting on the couch watching a scene from the second season of 24. The sun was shining, the kids were snuggled next to me. (Yes, I did nothing today for school work -- it was a serious mental health day.) I listened to my sister-in-law on the phone and just shook my head. It was a very surreal conversation.
Then my mother in law tells me that one of my decorating clients who lived across the hall from her died four weeks ago. I guess she was in Florida at the time. I was like, what the heck?!! And so it went. All day.
And then after dinner, as we sat in the darkness watching yet another 24 episode, we heard a huge bang. When we ran to the window we could see the new gigantic town trash can knocked over on its side and there, ambling away without a care in the world, was a bear. A very big one. Big enough to dangle the rather large trash bag in his mouth as he headed off into the woods. To eat Lord knows whatever was in that bag. (I have no clue what was in that trash bag. Tessa's wrapping paper from her gifts maybe? Riley's leftover sandwich that he secretly threw away at lunchtime?)
Who knows. It's thundering out right now. With lots of lightning. Maybe there will be rain. Hmmmm. This rain just won't let up!
Then my mother in law tells me that one of my decorating clients who lived across the hall from her died four weeks ago. I guess she was in Florida at the time. I was like, what the heck?!! And so it went. All day.
And then after dinner, as we sat in the darkness watching yet another 24 episode, we heard a huge bang. When we ran to the window we could see the new gigantic town trash can knocked over on its side and there, ambling away without a care in the world, was a bear. A very big one. Big enough to dangle the rather large trash bag in his mouth as he headed off into the woods. To eat Lord knows whatever was in that bag. (I have no clue what was in that trash bag. Tessa's wrapping paper from her gifts maybe? Riley's leftover sandwich that he secretly threw away at lunchtime?)
Who knows. It's thundering out right now. With lots of lightning. Maybe there will be rain. Hmmmm. This rain just won't let up!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
My Brain is Fried -- How Can I Teach?
August 17 -- So I went to a workshop tonight to start making my wiki or teacher website. And I get there amidst all sorts of typical household chaos. No car (the boys took it to the drugstore to pick up our prescriptions), no computer (I left it home after I got to the workshop in Brian's car -- he who decided to bag the gym and let me use his car! ) and then I get to the workshop and find out that I can't even log on because I haven't been assigned my id number! Ughhhh. but I listened to a lot of what she had to say and then when I got bored because I couldn't actually work on the computer, I went around and checked other people's websites at our school. It was a great idea because I realized that I don't have to be perfect the first time around. The best site was done by a teacher who took a web design course at grad school last fall.
And then when I told the boys, they were like, "nobody looks at the sites anyway!" Which I kind of knew but actually, I noticed in other towns that maybe kids do look at the sites because they have so much work on there for the kids to access.
But I still don't have it done. I feel like I am moving at molasses speed. Today I felt like crying several times. I just can't wrap my head around everything like I would like to do. I guess that's part of my personal lesson here...just not in the mood!
And then when I told the boys, they were like, "nobody looks at the sites anyway!" Which I kind of knew but actually, I noticed in other towns that maybe kids do look at the sites because they have so much work on there for the kids to access.
But I still don't have it done. I feel like I am moving at molasses speed. Today I felt like crying several times. I just can't wrap my head around everything like I would like to do. I guess that's part of my personal lesson here...just not in the mood!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The Rain Stopped and I am Underwater
August 16 -- After some showers this morning, the rain finally stopped and the sun came back out again. It always does, doesn't it. Except for the fact that I am totally waterlogged. Okay, that's a metaphorical use of the term "water logged."
I just have so much left to do. This morning, I wrote a list of all the things I need in place before I start teaching. I looked at the list, got up from the table and slowly walked away. People ask me, "are you excited?" I smile and nod but truly, I feel like I am in a state of shock. I think what is driving me the craziest is that I don't have a chunk of uninterrupted time to just focus. Like not one day. I have the kids and their crazy schedules. Band camp, lacrosse practice, more band camp, doctor's appointments, dentist appointments and...the recent time hog -- Luke's car repairs. (yes, the new transmission is blown. The good news is that it is covered by warranty. The bad news is that the catalytic converter is broken and needs to be replaced for a king's ransom.)
I know I will get things done but I am not exactly sure how. I really resent my two jobs -- and yes, it's a job being with the kids, that's why we hire babysitters when we are not with them. Brian leaves for work and for the most part, that's all he does. He does not have to dissect his work day with kid missions. I am starting to resent the arrangement.
I just have so much left to do. This morning, I wrote a list of all the things I need in place before I start teaching. I looked at the list, got up from the table and slowly walked away. People ask me, "are you excited?" I smile and nod but truly, I feel like I am in a state of shock. I think what is driving me the craziest is that I don't have a chunk of uninterrupted time to just focus. Like not one day. I have the kids and their crazy schedules. Band camp, lacrosse practice, more band camp, doctor's appointments, dentist appointments and...the recent time hog -- Luke's car repairs. (yes, the new transmission is blown. The good news is that it is covered by warranty. The bad news is that the catalytic converter is broken and needs to be replaced for a king's ransom.)
I know I will get things done but I am not exactly sure how. I really resent my two jobs -- and yes, it's a job being with the kids, that's why we hire babysitters when we are not with them. Brian leaves for work and for the most part, that's all he does. He does not have to dissect his work day with kid missions. I am starting to resent the arrangement.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Still Raining...
August 14 -- So we found out what was wrong with the mini-van. SOmething went bad in the transmission. The problem is, the transmission in that vehicle is only two years old. Thank God it is still under warranty but it's just one more thing to deal with and Luke is out a car. Granted, he leaves in less than two weeks (yipes!!) but it would have been nice to have his help next week driving the kids around. Not sure if the van will be done by then. And I am praying they don't discover that the trans is "our fault" and try to slam us over the warranty.
In the meantime, I feel like I am moving like molasses to get ready for teaching. I am truly getting continuous stomach aches. I just don't know what to expect! I feel like I can't lean on Brian right now because he is so stressed with work. And I know he is freaked about luke leaving as well. I can't even think about it!
In the meantime, I feel like I am moving like molasses to get ready for teaching. I am truly getting continuous stomach aches. I just don't know what to expect! I feel like I can't lean on Brian right now because he is so stressed with work. And I know he is freaked about luke leaving as well. I can't even think about it!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
When It Rains it Pours
August 14 -- I was just saying to Brian that I feel really weird knowing I start a new job in a few weeks. I have been making a lot of purchases lately, not so much because I am like, ohhh, I am getting a bigger paycheck soon but more like I am getting all of my ducks in a row and am doing things I have been putting off -- like bringing Riley's painting to the framer's or buying the frames for Luke's graduation photos -- because I just want to get as much of my house "in order" as possible. So I feel weird about spending all of our money...well a lot of it anyway.
It rained today. A lot. I should have known. Should have read the portent winds. But I didn't. And Luke and Connor drove on the highway -- very far -- to visit friends at camp. They were to meet us at 6pm at a restaurant where Mary Alice was taking us out to dinner. Nice, right? Except for when they called Brian to say the car broke down in the city and, could he pick them up please? And so Brian goes out, gets the boys and then goes back to the city to stay by the car until the tow truck comes and then goes to the ATM to get the cash to pay the extra mileage not covered by AAA so that the car goes to our local garage. And so it goes. Who knows what is wrong. We just paid 2K to have the transmission fixed only two years ago. Or was it one year ago? Ughhh. I don't know.
I am upset about the car, about the hemorrhage of money out of this household. But I am calm as well. the whole time Brian was back and forth with the car I was thinking, but Luke and Connor are okay. It's just the car, not my boys. They were driving on the highway. All sorts of things could have happened. luke safely steered the car off of the highway. I just have to keep focusing on that. Or else I will go crazy. For sure.
It rained today. A lot. I should have known. Should have read the portent winds. But I didn't. And Luke and Connor drove on the highway -- very far -- to visit friends at camp. They were to meet us at 6pm at a restaurant where Mary Alice was taking us out to dinner. Nice, right? Except for when they called Brian to say the car broke down in the city and, could he pick them up please? And so Brian goes out, gets the boys and then goes back to the city to stay by the car until the tow truck comes and then goes to the ATM to get the cash to pay the extra mileage not covered by AAA so that the car goes to our local garage. And so it goes. Who knows what is wrong. We just paid 2K to have the transmission fixed only two years ago. Or was it one year ago? Ughhh. I don't know.
I am upset about the car, about the hemorrhage of money out of this household. But I am calm as well. the whole time Brian was back and forth with the car I was thinking, but Luke and Connor are okay. It's just the car, not my boys. They were driving on the highway. All sorts of things could have happened. luke safely steered the car off of the highway. I just have to keep focusing on that. Or else I will go crazy. For sure.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
50th Surprise Party
August 13 -- Went to Mike's 5oth surprise party tonight -- it was a fun party, really nice. I am exhausted because I am waking up early because I can't stop thinking about my new job teaching and Luke leaving for college in like, less than two weeks.
It's all happening at once. Including all the friends who are turning 50. Ughhhhh.
It's all happening at once. Including all the friends who are turning 50. Ughhhhh.
Friday, August 12, 2011
London Riots and the Kings Speech
August 12 -- I just read an article analyzing the riots in London. It was an effort to determine why exactly, the shooting of the drug suspect suddenly roused this aggressive behavior. Apparently, the common denominator is not the poor and down-trodden, it's the people who earn less than others who live in their geographic region. i.e. the rioters are not people who can't afford to buy food, they just can't buy as much as their neighbors. So they are lashing out in anger. Hmmmmm.
I am not sure what to make of that. In the time I have been home with my kids, we often lived paycheck to paycheck. There were many sleepless nights. And we sacrificed much. Could I burn a building in anger? Could I smash windows and loot stores because I was pissed off that my neighbor drove a nicer car or was able to go on vacations? Ahhhhh, I don't think so.
Tonight we are watching The King's Speech with the kids. I loved that movie when I saw it with Brian so I am psyched they are seeing it as well. It's a great movie about picking yourself up when you are dealt a lousy pair of cards. Of facing fear and, in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "doing it anyway." Sure, he was a member of the royal family so he didn't know poverty but what he faced was worse -- public scorn and a difficult physical limitation. Sure he felt inferior as I presume the rioters in London feel as well. Sure he felt fear. But he rose to the occasion and did what he had to do to make himself a person who could lead his country. Not someone who, in desperation or anger, lashed out and hurt his country. Very interesting...
I am not sure what to make of that. In the time I have been home with my kids, we often lived paycheck to paycheck. There were many sleepless nights. And we sacrificed much. Could I burn a building in anger? Could I smash windows and loot stores because I was pissed off that my neighbor drove a nicer car or was able to go on vacations? Ahhhhh, I don't think so.
Tonight we are watching The King's Speech with the kids. I loved that movie when I saw it with Brian so I am psyched they are seeing it as well. It's a great movie about picking yourself up when you are dealt a lousy pair of cards. Of facing fear and, in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "doing it anyway." Sure, he was a member of the royal family so he didn't know poverty but what he faced was worse -- public scorn and a difficult physical limitation. Sure he felt inferior as I presume the rioters in London feel as well. Sure he felt fear. But he rose to the occasion and did what he had to do to make himself a person who could lead his country. Not someone who, in desperation or anger, lashed out and hurt his country. Very interesting...
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I Miss Riley
August 11 -- I can't believe how much I miss Riley. He has been gone for four days and won't be home for another two. I feel like it's been forever. I don't know why but I really miss his skinny little arms, his big ears and his awesome smile. Plus I miss his attitude. It's like he cares about all of us and when things get crazy or stressed it's a gift to just "watch Riley for awhile." Maybe it's because he is still young and cute, I don't know but this teenage thing with the other three kids is driving me crazy.
ANd to think I will be working all day with teenagers. What on earth am I thinking?
Off to bed early -- tomorrow is another trial run with hitting the gym early. I can do this. I know I can.
ANd to think I will be working all day with teenagers. What on earth am I thinking?
Off to bed early -- tomorrow is another trial run with hitting the gym early. I can do this. I know I can.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
So Much Change Afoot...
August 10 -- As I type this, Luke is sitting out back by the bonfire pit with a group of his friends from high school. Two of them are leaving tomorrow for school. It is heartbreaking listening to them say goodbye to each other, these children who are young adults on the verge of new beginnings.
Tonight I started crying for the first time. I don't know why but it just hit me -- all the pending change in our home. Luke leaving, me heading out for a full time job. Brian is un-nerved as well. Once I start work, he will be committed to going in later to work because he will take over getting the kids onto the bus in the mornings. This will be the first time I do not put the kids on the bus on the first day of school. The first time. Tears are welling up at the thought...
Earlier tonight I was sitting on the front porch with Brian. It was gorgeous outside, the sun was warm, the flowers in bloom and the dog all cozy, laying by our feet. I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes. Suddenly, I was struck with a memory from nearly 14 years ago. I remembered how when Luke was around four years old and we had just moved into this house, he and I would walk around the yard while Connor and Tessa were napping. Inevitably we would sit down under one of the huge pine trees in the back of our property, over by the meadow. And we would close our eyes and "feel the sun." It was always so relaxing, so sweet. I had forgotten that memory and when it came back to me today I started to cry and could hardly stop. I swear it was just yesterday. It was just a few moments ago when Luke stepped onto that school bus for the first time.
I have been so blessed -- I have been able to witness all of my children's first days at school. Even though I am grieving about the part of my life that is now ending, I am looking forward to this new adventure. And as my kids keep reminding me -- they will literally be in the school with me. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing but I guess that's all part of the adventure as well.
Tonight I started crying for the first time. I don't know why but it just hit me -- all the pending change in our home. Luke leaving, me heading out for a full time job. Brian is un-nerved as well. Once I start work, he will be committed to going in later to work because he will take over getting the kids onto the bus in the mornings. This will be the first time I do not put the kids on the bus on the first day of school. The first time. Tears are welling up at the thought...
Earlier tonight I was sitting on the front porch with Brian. It was gorgeous outside, the sun was warm, the flowers in bloom and the dog all cozy, laying by our feet. I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes. Suddenly, I was struck with a memory from nearly 14 years ago. I remembered how when Luke was around four years old and we had just moved into this house, he and I would walk around the yard while Connor and Tessa were napping. Inevitably we would sit down under one of the huge pine trees in the back of our property, over by the meadow. And we would close our eyes and "feel the sun." It was always so relaxing, so sweet. I had forgotten that memory and when it came back to me today I started to cry and could hardly stop. I swear it was just yesterday. It was just a few moments ago when Luke stepped onto that school bus for the first time.
I have been so blessed -- I have been able to witness all of my children's first days at school. Even though I am grieving about the part of my life that is now ending, I am looking forward to this new adventure. And as my kids keep reminding me -- they will literally be in the school with me. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing but I guess that's all part of the adventure as well.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Painting tonight
August 9th
I worked on Erika's painting tonight. I miss the creative artsy side of me, hope to God I don't lose it when I go back to the classroom.
I worked on Erika's painting tonight. I miss the creative artsy side of me, hope to God I don't lose it when I go back to the classroom.
Monday, August 8, 2011
I am a 24 Addict...
August 8 -- So Connor and I saw three episodes of 24 today, wait maybe it was four. With the Netflix library, we are knee deep into watching the second season of the show. George just crashed the plane into the Mojave Desert and the nuclear bomb exploded safely outside of Los Angeles. Whew. Now I can go to sleep.
What is it about that series that keeps me glued to my seat? What is it that can force me, when one episode ends, to quickly check what the next one is about and consider watching it -- not unlike a chain smoker who lights her next cigarette with the lit butt of the first one. Admittedly, there are parts that are rather unbelievable...I mean really, how many times can Jack's daughter Kim make a stupid move and get herself into trouble? But unbelievable plot twists aside...it sure is an awesome show that has more twists and turns than a roller coaster.
It's like cheering on a favorite sports team -- you just can't turn away until Jack and his CTU compadre's solve the crime. And for me, it's a safe release -- a way for me to concentrate on something other than trying to come up with lesson plans. Which reminds me. President Palmer quoted Abraham Lincoln in the last episode we watched tonight. I want to Google it. I think I can use it for Of Mice and Men. See? The show helps for work too!! Amazing. :)
What is it about that series that keeps me glued to my seat? What is it that can force me, when one episode ends, to quickly check what the next one is about and consider watching it -- not unlike a chain smoker who lights her next cigarette with the lit butt of the first one. Admittedly, there are parts that are rather unbelievable...I mean really, how many times can Jack's daughter Kim make a stupid move and get herself into trouble? But unbelievable plot twists aside...it sure is an awesome show that has more twists and turns than a roller coaster.
It's like cheering on a favorite sports team -- you just can't turn away until Jack and his CTU compadre's solve the crime. And for me, it's a safe release -- a way for me to concentrate on something other than trying to come up with lesson plans. Which reminds me. President Palmer quoted Abraham Lincoln in the last episode we watched tonight. I want to Google it. I think I can use it for Of Mice and Men. See? The show helps for work too!! Amazing. :)
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Wedding Joy
August 7 -- I did not write an entry last night because we came home late from Krista's wedding. I was tired and buzzed (hooray for designated drivers!) and went straight to bed.
It was a lovely wedding. I was so happy for Krista and Matt; she never stopped beaming all day and evening long. And she looked gorgeous. Everyone had a great time but for me, my favorite part of the wedding was having my kids there. I loved how I could hang out with people and talk with them and then head over to the kids and dance with them or talk. Everyone was in a happy mood and partying up a storm.
I couldn't help but laugh today when Tessa and Riley talked about how much fun they had in the bathroom. The bathroom??! I guess they made use of all the little treats Krista left in the restrooms for the guests to use. Riley flossed his teeth, used listerine, ate mints...it's a wonder he didn't try to shave. Too funny.
And I sat at the priest's table. But more on that some other time. Seriously. Of course I couldn't keep my mouth shut and sooooo...it got weird. But that's a story for another entry.
It was a lovely wedding. I was so happy for Krista and Matt; she never stopped beaming all day and evening long. And she looked gorgeous. Everyone had a great time but for me, my favorite part of the wedding was having my kids there. I loved how I could hang out with people and talk with them and then head over to the kids and dance with them or talk. Everyone was in a happy mood and partying up a storm.
I couldn't help but laugh today when Tessa and Riley talked about how much fun they had in the bathroom. The bathroom??! I guess they made use of all the little treats Krista left in the restrooms for the guests to use. Riley flossed his teeth, used listerine, ate mints...it's a wonder he didn't try to shave. Too funny.
And I sat at the priest's table. But more on that some other time. Seriously. Of course I couldn't keep my mouth shut and sooooo...it got weird. But that's a story for another entry.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Rehearsal Dinner
August 5 -- Tonight was Krista's rehearsal dinner. We didn't go because nobody in our family was in the wedding, although Luke got to go because he is playing the trumpet during the ceremony. ANyway, we had Peter's kids over and were having a blast when Mom called. Dad was rushed to the hospital -- he was bleeding heavily and she couldn't stop it.
As I raced to the hospital, I couldn't help but wonder, seriously?? Dad is seriously in the hospital the night before his granddaughter's wedding?? Seriously?! It was only yesterday when, on the way home from my and Brian's rehearsal dinner that he and Mom got into a car crash on the way home from the restaurant. I couldn't help but wonder what was up with Dad's pre-wedding karma.
But thank God, they got the bleeding to stop and stitched him up so he can heal. I just left my parents house after spending two hours on my hands and knees cleaning up all the blood on the floor and carpet. (and front walkway. I could only think about how horrified the paper boy would be in the morning if he came upon all the blood on the sidewalk leading to my parent's front door.
I am exhausted. But very relieved that Krista will be spared the drama.
As I raced to the hospital, I couldn't help but wonder, seriously?? Dad is seriously in the hospital the night before his granddaughter's wedding?? Seriously?! It was only yesterday when, on the way home from my and Brian's rehearsal dinner that he and Mom got into a car crash on the way home from the restaurant. I couldn't help but wonder what was up with Dad's pre-wedding karma.
But thank God, they got the bleeding to stop and stitched him up so he can heal. I just left my parents house after spending two hours on my hands and knees cleaning up all the blood on the floor and carpet. (and front walkway. I could only think about how horrified the paper boy would be in the morning if he came upon all the blood on the sidewalk leading to my parent's front door.
I am exhausted. But very relieved that Krista will be spared the drama.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Night Time Writing
AUgust 4 -- I think, because I write these entries at night, I am always complaining about being tired. No duh. It's late at night! But it's hard to write at any other time of the day!
As it is, I told Brian I would get up with him tomorrow at 5am and try to get to the gym. I need to "get into practice" before my teaching position starts. I don't know. I can barely keep my eyes open right now and I feel like I could sleep forever. I am running around like a wild person trying to get all the kids' doctor's appointments in, Luke's college stuff bought and the car fixed. (which I can't do cuz my car guy is on vacation this week :( )
And I still have so much reading to do. ughhhhh!! Everybody tells me I will be great as a teacher. If only I could feel as confident as they are!! I still have so much to complete before I feel like I am ready.. but first I have to get some sleep!
As it is, I told Brian I would get up with him tomorrow at 5am and try to get to the gym. I need to "get into practice" before my teaching position starts. I don't know. I can barely keep my eyes open right now and I feel like I could sleep forever. I am running around like a wild person trying to get all the kids' doctor's appointments in, Luke's college stuff bought and the car fixed. (which I can't do cuz my car guy is on vacation this week :( )
And I still have so much reading to do. ughhhhh!! Everybody tells me I will be great as a teacher. If only I could feel as confident as they are!! I still have so much to complete before I feel like I am ready.. but first I have to get some sleep!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Hyperventilation
August 2 -- Many years ago there was a great ad campaign for Heinz ketchup. It showed the ketchup coming out of the bottle very, very slowly. And the tag line was from a catchy tune..."aaaaanticipation...is makin' me wait!" I am thinking about that song and that line when I consider my current state of mind. "Hyper...ventilation...is makin' me crazy!!"
I called one of my girlfriends tonight -- I was in a complete pissy mood about an email I had received re. our class reunion. She was like, "are you seriously jazzing out already? You just got back from two awesome weeks at the beach!" She was right. I couldn't believe that a mere 48 hours after I came back I was already getting a bit anxiety ridden. But there are so many different things going on. One is that Luke is going to college in just three weeks. I still have lots of shopping to do for him, lots of preparing. ANd then there are the college bills. Unbelievable. And then there is my new job. And making sure the kids are ready for school. So many changes.
I am all like, oh cool, I will make more money working full time as a teacher. But I am still panicked -- panicked!! -- about all of the upcoming bills. We have to get our car fixed, write a check to my niece for her wedding, buy back to school stuff, and so on and so forth. It just makes my heart pound. I know it will all work out but right now? I am kind of freaking out. Sigh. I wish I were little and my biggest issue was wondering when the damn ketchup was coming out of the bottle. Ahhh, the good ol' days! :)
I called one of my girlfriends tonight -- I was in a complete pissy mood about an email I had received re. our class reunion. She was like, "are you seriously jazzing out already? You just got back from two awesome weeks at the beach!" She was right. I couldn't believe that a mere 48 hours after I came back I was already getting a bit anxiety ridden. But there are so many different things going on. One is that Luke is going to college in just three weeks. I still have lots of shopping to do for him, lots of preparing. ANd then there are the college bills. Unbelievable. And then there is my new job. And making sure the kids are ready for school. So many changes.
I am all like, oh cool, I will make more money working full time as a teacher. But I am still panicked -- panicked!! -- about all of the upcoming bills. We have to get our car fixed, write a check to my niece for her wedding, buy back to school stuff, and so on and so forth. It just makes my heart pound. I know it will all work out but right now? I am kind of freaking out. Sigh. I wish I were little and my biggest issue was wondering when the damn ketchup was coming out of the bottle. Ahhh, the good ol' days! :)
Monday, August 1, 2011
Home Again
August 1 -- I have not been able to do my blog entries for the last few nights because we were traveling and I did not have internet access. Having said that, traveling long distances is not as excited as it used to be -- I am definitely getting old!!
Today was spent getting all of the laundry done, cleaning the house and trying to get all in order. I am exhausted! not the way I wanted to end my vacation but oh well, it feels good to be home again even though that means doing tons of laundry!
Tonight Luke and I went to Walmart to begin shopping for his college stuff. I am determined to finish that as soon as possible so I can just concentrate on getting ready for the school year. As it is, I received a very helpful email from another English teacher tonight with the "curriculum" for Of Mice and Men. I read it and was like, huh??!! I just can't think about it right now. Have to get Luke done and then the other kids and then I can focus totally on the teaching. Besides, I still have a few more books to read!! It's so overwhelming if I think about it all at once. so I just keep focusing on TODAY, and what I can finish today.
But on a final note -- I am so disgusted at how much money I am spending sending Luke to college. Geesh. I completely do NOT remember my parents spending this much on me when I left for college. No way. And we were at Walmart for goodness sake!! yipes!
Today was spent getting all of the laundry done, cleaning the house and trying to get all in order. I am exhausted! not the way I wanted to end my vacation but oh well, it feels good to be home again even though that means doing tons of laundry!
Tonight Luke and I went to Walmart to begin shopping for his college stuff. I am determined to finish that as soon as possible so I can just concentrate on getting ready for the school year. As it is, I received a very helpful email from another English teacher tonight with the "curriculum" for Of Mice and Men. I read it and was like, huh??!! I just can't think about it right now. Have to get Luke done and then the other kids and then I can focus totally on the teaching. Besides, I still have a few more books to read!! It's so overwhelming if I think about it all at once. so I just keep focusing on TODAY, and what I can finish today.
But on a final note -- I am so disgusted at how much money I am spending sending Luke to college. Geesh. I completely do NOT remember my parents spending this much on me when I left for college. No way. And we were at Walmart for goodness sake!! yipes!
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