NIght Before School Starts -- For all of us!

August 29 -- Since Hurricane Irene gave us one more day of vacation, school officially starts tomorrow, for my public school kids, my college kid, and for me.  WHen I think about standing up in front of those kids tomorrow, I feel a mixture of excitement and downright fear.  Which leads me to the million dollar question -- why the hell am I doing this?  Why am I trading in my easier schedule for something that leaves me gasping for air.  (Seriously, with three different classes to prepare for, i am finding myself on the verge of hyper ventilation -- quite often.)

I do realize that, like sending my son to college, this change is a good thing, a positive thing.  It's time for me to use my skills and passions to help others.  I want to do that.  And as for the job itself, for God's sake, the insurance benefits alone are amazing, never mind the additional income.  And it's not like we couldn't make it on Brian's salary alone.  Every since I was like six years old and had my paper route, I knew that a part of what made me tick was earning my own way.  I have had 15 lovely years home with my kids and honestly, that's a gift that not everyone gets to have.  I realize that.  But change is change and it's hard.  It's time for me to grow, mentally and spiritually.  ALready in these last few weeks I have accomplished much to prepare for this new adventure.  I am organized (I think!) and I have some decent ideas about how to present my material.  But I am exhausted too.  And insecure.   And it really hasn't even begun.

But as I said to Luke so many years ago when his chickens were murdered one dark winter night, "we aren't the first farmers to lose our livestock and we won't be the last!"  That logic applies to me too.  I am not the first mom to go back to working after the kids got older and I won't be the last.  In all honesty, when I think of my mother, I am most proud of her when I think about how she went to work at the local community college to help out with medical insurance when my dad was laid off.  She was a chocolate mess about working again but she did it.  And eventually, she liked it too!  In my mind, that part of her life made her a very interesting person to me.  She seemed more multi-dimensional.  I hope, in some way, that I will model that to my kids as well.

We'll see.  One day at a time.