August 10 -- As I type this, Luke is sitting out back by the bonfire pit with a group of his friends from high school. Two of them are leaving tomorrow for school. It is heartbreaking listening to them say goodbye to each other, these children who are young adults on the verge of new beginnings.
Tonight I started crying for the first time. I don't know why but it just hit me -- all the pending change in our home. Luke leaving, me heading out for a full time job. Brian is un-nerved as well. Once I start work, he will be committed to going in later to work because he will take over getting the kids onto the bus in the mornings. This will be the first time I do not put the kids on the bus on the first day of school. The first time. Tears are welling up at the thought...
Earlier tonight I was sitting on the front porch with Brian. It was gorgeous outside, the sun was warm, the flowers in bloom and the dog all cozy, laying by our feet. I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes. Suddenly, I was struck with a memory from nearly 14 years ago. I remembered how when Luke was around four years old and we had just moved into this house, he and I would walk around the yard while Connor and Tessa were napping. Inevitably we would sit down under one of the huge pine trees in the back of our property, over by the meadow. And we would close our eyes and "feel the sun." It was always so relaxing, so sweet. I had forgotten that memory and when it came back to me today I started to cry and could hardly stop. I swear it was just yesterday. It was just a few moments ago when Luke stepped onto that school bus for the first time.
I have been so blessed -- I have been able to witness all of my children's first days at school. Even though I am grieving about the part of my life that is now ending, I am looking forward to this new adventure. And as my kids keep reminding me -- they will literally be in the school with me. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing but I guess that's all part of the adventure as well.
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