December 14 -- I had a revelation of sorts this morning and I have to say, it did not make me happy. Instead, I guess it made me a little sad. So I have to kind of process it a little bit...which will hopefully make me feel better. (somehow.)
When RIley got out of the shower I stopped at the kids' bathroom door and knocked to give him a quick kiss goodbye before I bolted out the door for work. He was mostly dressed so he opened the door and leaned forward to kiss me. But then I heard the fan. It sounded loud and rattlely (word?) So I went inside the bathroom and started to bang the plastic covering with my hand so the vibration noise stopped. It didn't. "Does it always sound that way?" I asked him. He shook his head no. "Ughhhhh. Please tell Daddy," I said. I had no time. I couldn't stop to work on it longer. As I headed out of the bathroom, I looked down at the bathroom mat and my heart sank. Maybe a month ago, I noticed that (Tessa I think) spilled some green Listerine on the cream tufted bath rug in front of the sink. It wasn't a huge mark, maybe the size of two quarters side by side. But I cannot stand when the bath mats are dirty. And when I saw the mark, I was like omg, I get nothing done around the house anymore!
As I ran down the stairs, my heart was in my stomach. I do realize that it's just a small stain and not an earth shattering dilemna but to me, it means that my life at home is beyond my control. The sad thing is I am so flipping tired I can't deal with it. I ignore it. And then...a month later, I notice it again. And the quiet little voice in my mind says "what is the matter with you? You used to have a clean house!" My friend who is home full-time has a gorgeous house. She is constantly making updates to make it more clean and more perfect. My house is DEFINITELY imperfect. That's a tough statement from someone who made money as an interior decorator. But...I think this is my life lesson right now. I think that the ability to ride the imperfection wave will make me a stronger and (ha) more perfect person. Not that I am aiming for perfection. Just a smidge more control. (Which I am bright enough to realize is an elusive goal.)
Oh well. Can't fault a girl for tryin'. Maybe this weekend, I will do a load of bathmats. The good news is we are getting company over the xmas break. A good reason to bolster efforts at cleaning. Well. At least I will definitely go after the Listerine spot. Soon. Now onto the vacuum cleaning...
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