Falling Apart Continues...Got Glue?

December 21 -- So I had a total meltdown tonight on the phone with my mother.  She called me all crazy about how I have to go over TOMORROW to help her set the tables for Christmas Eve because my sister can only go tomorrow and can't come over on Friday with works better for me.  I can't go on THursday.  I just can't.  Luke wants to go with me to help and he is working tomorrow night and so like, NO.  So she starts yelling at me and I start yelling back which is totally stupid because I am 48 and my mother is 83 and she still gets on my nerves like I am frigging 16 again.  Which is just pathetic actually.

But I am tired and she is a pain in the ass even if she does have to take care of a man with Alzheimer's.  Seriously.  She like, hung up on me.  I was like, ummmmm, hello?  Are you really asking for my help cuz it sure as hell doesn't seem like it.  ughhh.

Falling Apart

December 20 -- As the holiday draws closer and closer...my children seem to be falling apart.  (along with their mother.)  Tessa is stressing about "completely forgetting everything form her math chapter" and having to go after school to prep for a test tomorrow.  Riley is in melt down mode.  He went to bed and started to sob.  (Tessa came downstairs and gave me a heads up.)  I knew it...he just seemed off tonight.  Turns out he got an 84 on his math test in school and was upset because he broke his A+ streak.  (The kid is NOTHING like his older brother, Laid Back Luke.)

     Connor was pissed because at the United Way Youth Board meeting, the girl who came after him in the holiday Yankee Swap took his $15 iTunes gift card and left him with a $10 Dunkin Donuts card and a snowman Christmas ornament.  "I hate Dunkin Donuts," he said as he slipped into the car.  "Let's just go and spend this as soon as possible."  As I drove off, shaking my head in wonder at this newfound Dunkin Donuts animosity, he dangled the ornament in the air.  "And I got this ornament.  I hate Christmas ornaments.'   I was like, whoaaaaaa.  Somebody's gotta plan an intervention for this family of mine.  Little too much drama and overreacting to basically stupid things.  (Although I am totally grumpy about school right now.  I am thinking about what would happen if I quit...)

I think we all could use some R & R...  But really?  We have to learn to deal with this stress right now.  Starting with Riley not being upset about his math score.  (I think I helped him with that as we laid together in his bed and compared his 84 to the Packer's losing to the Chiefs last Sunday and snapping their winning streak.  Sometimes, ya just gotta take a hit to gain perspective.)  As for Connor and his grumpiness about the Dunkin Donuts gift certificate, I suggested that he use it in the family Yankee Swap at Christmas.  And as for my issue with teaching?  Not sure how to deal with that.  One day at a time, I guess.  In the meantime, I said to Brian tonight, " I don't care if I am not the best teacher with the most done.  My family comes first."  And as I held my crying son in my arms and thought about the papers waiting for me downstairs I held my resolve.  Family first.  For sure.

So Tired...

December 19 -- Mondays are notoriously bad but Mondays before a holiday break are the worst.  The kids were so off with their work effort and their behavior, it was nuts.  And I am no day at the beach either.  I am just exhausted and overwhelmed and cranky.  Tonight we went to Costco to pick up some cookies for Christmas.  I felt like a loser buying my tin of cookies and bags of chocolates.  I don't have time to bake.  Truly.  We have something going on every night this week.  We thought Luke would help us with driving but it turns out he has to work till 11pm every night this week.  Major bummer.

I am really looking forward to some r & r next week...but trying not to put too much excitement into it because I know it will go by in a flash.

Just want to sleep...

Lesson Plans

December 18 -- I spent the day today doing research and creating my lesson plans for this week.  I know the kids are going to be off the wall since it's the week before a holiday break but I want to know what I am talking about when I am up in front of them no matter what mood they are in.  And that requires doing research.  The weird thing is that today (earlier in the day) I felt like I had things totally under control...I thought I would be creating my plans faster than ever.  What a joke.  I never finish quickly.  There is just too much to juggle and I am slow, slow, slow.  For example, I might be looking for something to start Act II of the Crucible and so I do some research.  And oh, how cool, I find something to give the students even more information about the play and about the Salem Witch trials.  (Like the different ways they tortured people to see if they were witches.)  So I create a hand out.  But when I go back to my plans, I realize I have to juggle a few things to make it fit.  And so I have to re-do the plans, put the quiz on another day...and so on and so forth until whoa, it's another hour gone by.  Ughhhh.  But at the end of the night when I am done, it feels so good to have things in order, to be excited about the coming week.  (sort of anyway!)

I am doing something with my seniors this week that nobody has done before.  We are using the auditorium to show film trailers which they made and showing them to an audience of nearly 80 sixth graders.  (who will judge them!)  I am so excited and nervous at the same time.  But I think it will be a totally cool experience that they will remember... for a while anyway!

I read a quote tonight that made me think about this funky new project.   It has to do with laughing at new ideas.  Not that anyone has laughed at me but I have gotten a couple of funny looks.  Anyway,the quote goes like this:  “If people are not laughing at your dreams at least once a week, you are aiming too low.” Robin Sharma.     (Something to think about anyway!)

What Is The POint of Christmas Anyway?!

December 17 -- I do realize that I sound like a total Scrooge right now and I completely don't care because I am entirely disgusted with the whole Christmas gig.  I spent a ton more money today buying...I really don't know what I bought.  Since Brian's birthday was in November, I used up all of my creative gift picking strategies and I honestly have like, nothing left for Christmas.  I walked up and down the aisles of the store this afternoon literally throwing random things into my cart to give him.  It was stupid.  And I am stressed.  And that's why I keep asking myself, what is the point of Christmas? Yes, it's Jesus Christ's birth.  Then...why are we buying each other gifts?  Why aren't we just buying Jesus some gifts?  I'm pretty sure He could use a new wallet...or maybe an iPod.  Listen to some music and chill...

Seriously.  I am so anxious about what to buy for everybody.  This year, Connor and my niece both turned 16.  So they are off the kid gift list.  But Tessa heard that my sister bought Connor a "little something" so now, of course I have to buy a "little something" for my niece.  So today, I spent -- no lie-- nearly an hour searching for the right "little something."  I stood there, at Marshalls, in the Bath and Spa aisle trying to decide between a bottle of hair conditioner (a deep conditioning masque) and a soap from France with a built in loofah.  It was agonizing.  And a complete waste of time.  I ended up buying the damn conditioner and, fearing I wasn't spending enough, threw in some soap/mousse thing.   So crazy.  Woohoo, best time of the year.  Not.

The only thing I am looking forward to is having a nice meal with my family, hanging out with the kids, and not getting up early for work for a whole week.  Yayyyyy.    But now I have to think about Christmas cookies.  Crap.   I am soooooo not baking this year.  No way.

Late Night at Bookclub

December 16 -- Tonight was book club.  I really like our book club.  It's so fun to see everyone and catch up, a little at least.  I wish we met more.  But it's really late and I am tired so that's all I am writing tonight.

I Visit My Lukie...

December 15 --  I was missing Luke a lot these last few days as I considered how he was both studying for his first set of college exams and juggling his job at the same time.  When we called him (always our effort, he never called here!) he sounded okay, just tired.  But I didn't know for sure.  So we baked him cookies.   Brian thought he could drop them off during the week.  But he didn't.  Too busy at work.  So the cookies sat on the counter.  Fortunately, they were cake batter cookies which always taste better after a few days.  Then yesterday, Riley baked a batch of chocolate chip cookies and I made an impulsive decision to drive out to see Luke and give him the cookies.  Riley and Tessa came along.

When I laid eyes on him I had one thought.  He needs a haircut.  Other than that, he looked and acted just like Luke.  Mellow, sweet, low-key.  I asked him if he was stressed and he shook his head no.  Paused, and then quietly said, "Yes.  Yeah, I'm stressed."   I have to say that I felt for him when we got in the car to drive away.  I tried so hard to be all laid back.  "You will be fine," I told him.  "Go study."   But then he tensed up.  Apparently he forgot to submit his timecard for work and it was due today.  I wanted to help him but he backed away and held up has hands.  "I got it, Mom," he said.  "I got it."  

Ughhhh.  I hope he does.  Even if he doesn't, it's all part of life.  He will learn.   In the meantime, I look forward to having him come home for winter break in a few days when the torment of finals is finally over.   I also look forward to giving him a haircut.  It's the least I can do.