Looking for Happy Stories...

September 30 -- I just got off of the phone with my friend Christina, one of my Fab 5 girlfriends.  We are getting together tomorrow night because Cindy is in town and we wanted to make an effort to see each other.  It's also in the middle of the trial and we are so happy that we can (hopefully) have an evening of  distraction for poor Hanna who is shouldering much of the horrific trauma her brother and family is enduring.  So I am talking to Christina and she goes, "ummm, I got into an accident tonight -- my car is totalled."  (Thank God she wasn't hurt!)  And then she tells me about her ex-husband's dad (whom I know) who was diagnosed with cancer this summer and was just told he has 4 to 6 weeks left to live.  And today I heard several other really sad stories from other friends.  Cancer, kids going through difficult times, parents going through difficult times (and I mean difficult!) and the list goes on.

Christina finally said to me, "hey, tomorrow it's up to you to come up with happy stories!  Tell us all about teaching!"  Ughh.  The pressure!! :)

So now I am thinking about my last five weeks.  Are there happy stories?  By the grace of God, I think there are a few.  Funny how gratitude makes one's world a bit brighter.  Today, I was sitting at my desk during my plan period which was early in the morning.  The sun was just coming up over the building and was softly lighting up my desk.  I was working on my professional and student goals for an upcoming evaluation.  And I thought to myself, wow...I really, really like this!  I just feel, I don't know how to describe it -- I feel like I am actually using my mind, my skills, to help others.  There was a kid in one of my classes today who was being defiant -- he wouldn't do what I asked him to do.  He is a sophomore in my freshman class because he flunked English last year.  Needless to say, when he sits in my class,  he is nearly always in a state of passive aggressive "I could care less" mode.  So today,  I don't know why but instead of kicking him out, I somehow, somehow, got him to work.  I calmly went over to him, handed him a pen, asked him to write a sentence, told him how writing helps the brain develop even more than just saying a sentence aloud and then I looked right at him in front of everyone and said, "I care about you.  I want you to make your brain stronger."   He wrote the sentence.  And read it out loud.  And when he left, I gave him the pen.

After class, a teacher's aide who was in the classroom  (who helps a special needs student in the class) came up to me and said, "you have taught before, haven't you?"  I told her I taught for three years, 15 years ago.  She nodded.  "Yeah.  I thought so," she said and then she left.  I don't know why, but that made me feel like I was on top of the world.   There are certainly so many sad stories.  So for now, for today, I will hold that memory close to my heart.  Because as my wise friend Christina said, "we all need happy stories to hang on to."

Icing My Butt

September 29 -- At the risk of sounding porno, I have decided to dedicate this entry to the miracle of ice cubes. Not only do they make an ordinary glass of tap water extraordinary and refreshing, ice cubes are the best for old age ailments like sore butt muscles. Went to another spinning class tonight -- hooray. But I have this stupid lower back ailment that is flaring up. So after I rubbed an ice cube into the aching muscle, i felt much better. My brother Peter, physical therapist extraordinaire, told me that ice is the number one tool for therapy.

So, with my rejuvenated butt, I feel like a new woman. Or maybe it's just the wine talking. Hmmmmm. Maybe I dedicated this entry to the wrong liquid. (frozen or not.)

Catching Up with Modern Family

September 28 --  I don't know why but tonight I just rejected doing any work.  I was prepared to read an article on John Smith and William Bradford and I just couldn't do it.  Instead, I watched the first three episodes of Modern Family on hulu.com AND watched tonight's episode on tv.  I love that show.  It's just so witty and it cracks me up.

And sometimes, in the scheme of laugh, it's the laughter that gives us the energy to keep on going.  Especially when it's hard.  So now -- off to Smith and Bradford land.  Go American Lit.  (which , according to one of my teaching colleagues, is apparently like eating sand.  I am not going to disagree with that very insightful and astute remark...)

I FINALLY Make it to Spinning Class

September 27 -- Connor had a meeting tonight in a nearby town.  He is being extremely industrious this sophomore year having decided that he needs to "step it up" if he wants to get into West Point.  (I have, rather wisely I think, decided to refrain from commenting on this new goal of his.  I am preferring to just sit back and watch where it goes.  I am not a fan of him being in the military but...it's a great school and if he gets in, it's free.  Ya can't beat that with a stick.)

Anyway...he is following his interest right now and that is to get involved with the community.  So when he applied for and then landed a spot on the United Way Youth Board in our regional area, I was like, you go Connor!  And then I found out where it was.  Yechhh.  a 20 minute commute one way.  But then I came up with the brilliant idea -- drop him off and go to spinning class!  Hooray.  I am so smart I could get into West Point.  Haha.   Once I figured out that I could take a spinning class and still get back in time to pick him up after his meeting, I did just that.  And boy was it awesome.  I miss those sweaty hours at the gym with the blaring music, the pumping bass, the feeling that I can conquer anything, especially an instructor who keeps yelling, "faster, faster, faster!!"  I pedaled my bike and grinned like a crazy woman the whole time.

And then, I picked up Connor, came home, and had a nice, huge piece of chocolate birthday cake. With wine.

Priceless.

Going to Bed at 9pm

September 26 --  I can't even believe it but as soon as I finish this blog entry, I am going up to bed.  I never, ever go to bed this early but I am suddenly so exhausted.  I was going to start reading the Crucible tonight.  I don't know why but the thought of reading that play again (the last time I read it was -- truly -- over 30 years ago) gives me the heebie jeebies.  All the teachers say the kids love that play but I don't recall being overly excited about it in high school.  Maybe it's different now...?  All that texting makes them totally appreciate Puritanism and McCarthyism?  Really?

So the choice is...read the Crucible...or sleep.  Needless to say, I am choosing sleep.  The Crucible (and the essays by John Smith and William Bradford -- ughhhh) can wait until tomorrow.

Sunday Night Emails From Parents?!!

September 25 --  One of the things about teaching is that I think it is imperative to connect with parents.  I wish it were just for good things but unfortunately it's usually the child who is slipping whose parent gets the first call.  I guess what I did NOT expect was the parents who contact me to defend their child for not finishing the project or whatever.

15 years ago, I RARELY got a parent phone call.  Maybe two in three years.  Four weeks in and I have gotten four emails.  One was in response to a phone call I made to the parent last week so that doesn't count.  But the other three were to "defend" their child who had a week and a half to complete an assignment and, in the eleventh hour, was freaking out because he/she picked the power point and couldn't get it finished or working or whatever.  Honestly?  I feel bad for the student.  How is he/she ever going to make decisions to help him/her stand on their own two feet if Mommy is always acting as a support stick?

I understand that the parent is just scared.  There is so much pressure to do well in school to go to a good college to get a good job and have a happy life that I guess a little assignment in 9th grade looks huge and scary.  But it's one assignment out of many.  And if Johnny or Sue gets a bad grade and next time is more responsible -- it's a lifelong lesson!

Ugghhhhh.  It's a challenge for all -- including the teacher!!  Lord help me.

Rachel's Wedding Bash

September 24 -- Tonight we went to a friend's wedding celebration.  It's a repeat wedding  -- second time around -- for both she and her husband.  They really looked very happy together and anyone looking at them couldn't help but notice their joy.  It was sweet.  As we left, I looked over at them and I thought to myself, Rachel is so pretty.  I bet her husband, who looks like he is at least ten years older than she is, probably looks over at her while she is sleeping next to him and thinks about what a lucky guy he is to have her in his life.

I told that to Brian and he said, "that's how I think about you."  I burst out laughing.  I told him that he was totally lying.  The man passes out the second his head hits the pillow.  There is no admiring his "beautiful" wife.  I could have black shoe polish all over my face and he wouldn't notice.  Noooooo.  That's for the newlyweds -- particularly those who are late in life and know the meaning of gratitude.  I am not saying Brian and I aren't grateful for each other;  it's just that it has been like, over 20 years.  yipes, almost 25!  So if he passes out before he can notice my beauty (ha) that's okay.   I know he loves me.  But I am happy for my friend.  She deserves it.  (Everyone does, actually!)

Birthday

September 23rd -- And so I am a year older.  I cannot even believe I have been writing this blog for nine months just as I cannot believe how close I am getting to 50.  Not there yet but close.  Ughhhh.

I had a really, really nice day.  Tonight, Brian took me and the kids to see Luke at school.  We went out for dinner and had a blast.  The kids get along so well, even Riley who was half passed out because he was so zonked from his outdoor (in the rain) wilderness field trip today.  It was wonderful to see Luke who seems to be totally enjoying his college life.  He just seem so, relaxed and happy.  Not in a crazy woo hoo sense but more in a laid back, this is cool kind of way.  His roommate seems great too.

Seriously.  It was like the best birthday I have had in a long time.  As much as I was bummed about working on my birthday, the kids at school made it special.   My last period class (who found out from my friend Alison) sang Happy Birthday, and so did all of the xc boys after school.  (Connor told them!)  It was really sweet and special.

And now, off to bed.

$16 Muffins?! Seriously?

September 22 -- I have a class of juniors who love to bash the government.  It's kind of adorable actually to hear them get all worked up about how the government is the cause of all of our problems.  One student, not really one of my strongest but clearly a young man who is quite passionate about the current state of affairs in this country, recently shared his ultimate goal for life and hung it up on the "dream" board in my classroom.  In bright purple marker he wrote,  "I am going to fix the government."  I don't know.  Works for me.

God bless this kid because he's got an uphill battle for sure.  I mean, I guess the first thing he will have to do is put everyone on a diet.  I say this because I was recently listening to a broadcast talking about the judicial department's judicious decision to purchase muffins for $16 each.  Now I am no dummy.  I realize that if the government is spending that much money on a friggin' muffin, it's got to be loaded with good stuff.  Like, chocolate, walnuts, or maybe pistachios because they are a little more expensive, no wait, I think pecans are pricier.  Then maybe there is pumpkin flavoring which would make total sense (re. jacking up the price) because everyone knows that pumpkins are more expensive this season because of Tropical storm Irene.  Oh yeah.  The canned pumpkins came out before Irene.  But maybe canned pumpkins follow the logic of how gas prices (for gas already pumped and brought to gas stations) suddenly gets more expensive when there is a storm brewing off the coast of ummm, Africa or something.  Yeah.  I am fairly certain that's why the the muffins were so expensive.  Between rising gas prices and pumpkins, that's more than enough reason to escalate baked good prices.  It's simple economics.   So I am thinking a diet might be a good idea for all these muffin eaters.  Save us taxpayers a couple of bucks you know?!

Yeah.  Of course they spent tons of money on food without thinking about price.  Cuz people are so smart these days.  So savvy.  So techy and brilliant.  I am just saying, I pray these kids in my American Lit class figure it out.  At least I know one thing.  Not one of my students would ever spend $16 for a muffin.  At least I hope so anyway.   God Bless the lil' Pumpkins of America.

I Hate My Job Today

September 21-- I don't know why (oh yes I do) but I hate my job today.  Truly.  I don't use that word loosely either.  There are like, a billion reasons.  Let's see...how about the mother who just sent me an email regarding her son and his "effort" to do well but is panicking because his group isn't done with their project which is due on Friday but was assigned last TUESDAY.  She is worried about his grade?  He is trying hard?  Really?  The kid just started working on it today.  Over a week after I assigned it.  And yeah.  I just spent 20 minutes (at 9:30pm when I should be sleeping, I am so exhausted) answering her email with the PC language...ughhhh!!

Maybe I hate it because my sister in law called me last night and told me about her exciting and relatively stress free new job working for an interior decorating company where she goes in at 9 and comes home at 5 and doesn't work weekends.  ANd she doesn't even DO interior decorating!  Or maybe I hate it because I am so tired of missing the gym and getting up early to go teach a bunch of kids whose parents whine when their kid panics because they didn't start the assignment till two days before it was due.

Or because my friend Lori got to celebrate her birthday wearing pj's all morning and sipping her coffee. In silence.   MY birthday, however, will be spent watching project presentations done by kids who waited till the last minute to do the assignment.  It's so nice to have all lower level kids.  What a joy to see their enthusiasm and independent effort vs. hanging on to their mom's apron strings.   (Yeah, I am not naive.  I know this happens at the higher levels too.)

Or maybe it's because I was told I had three cavities today when I went to the dentist.  ANd now I have to go back.  I'm getting the friggin' novocaine.  I wish I could have some now.  Wine will have to do.

Everyday I'm ... Correctin' (and shufflin')

September 20 --  Yup.  Still correcting those d@$n benchmark assessment essays that I gave students in four out of my five classes last Friday.  8 more essays to go.  And then I get to correct the mythology stories the kids in my Great Books, Great Films class wrote.  woo hoo.  And the grammar benchmark assessments I am giving tomorrow.  I can completely see the need for these benchmark assessments (to confirm that my kids need to learn a lot this year) but it's driving me bananas.  Seriously.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow.  I hate the dentist.  It goes back to my childhood when my siblings and I competed (out of a distorted sense of loyalty to my dad who had no dental insurance) to see who could get the most intense dental work done without the need of pain medication.  Oh yeah.  I swear to God.  My sister would come out of the office, cheek swollen, drops of dried blood on her lip and would proudly announce, "four cavities and NO Novocain!"  And then  I would slowly stumble into the office and carefully climb into the naugahyde chair, admiring the new plastic ring I saw on my sister's  finger (from the dentist's ring tray for well behaved little girls).  But I was blessed with strong teeth so I would nearly cry in joy when the dentist gave me the miraculous news, "all done Tania, no cavities!!"   It would take me so long to pick my ring but then my excitement about avoiding any painful dental procedure would drop when I came out to the lobby and couldn't even compete with my stalwart sister who saved my dad bundles of money by refusing her pain meds.   (Guess which one of us ended up with epidurals.)  yup.  That would be me.  And I wear that label with pride.  Total and complete pride.

So why am I talking about dental pain and anxiety and the pain of childbirth in connection with correcting all of these papers?  Goodness.  I have absolutely no idea...

Just wish there were a tray of jewels I could pick from when I finally complete correcting this batch of essays.

Open House at the High School

September 19 -- When I got this teaching gig last June, I remember thinking to myself, how weird is Open House going to be?  For the last 15 years I have been the one going to open house, not the one standing in front of the parents.  But I know what parents are looking for when they come to your classroom -- they want to check you out, see if you are interesting, see who is in their kid's class and then get the hell outa' Dodge.  It's conferences that are a little more intense, not open house.

So I was fine. And looking forward to it as well.  Only problem is, hardly anyone showed up!  Since we changed the date of the original open house and barely communicated the new one, I think I had all of 20 parents show up for 90 students.  It's too bad but it is what it is and I for one, can now officially cross of the Open House as a new thing this year for me.  It's a year of "firsts" for sure.

Still Correcting...but now it's Sunday night

September 18 --  Spent the day catching up on more errands with Tessa.  Apparently, one must buy a new dress for every high school dance that even hints at formality -- like the homecoming dance next weekend.  Why she can't wear the dress she had on for ummmm, three point five hours last year at graduation is beyond me.  After all, I can barely remember the dress, how the heck will the dance attendees at the high school know that she wore it for graduation?!!  But alas, we went out dress shopping, and shoe shopping (for pointe dance, not for the homecoming dance.  I stayed firm on that one -- she is wearing her black sandals that we bought last spring!)

When we got home, Brian was furious with me because I let Tessa buy a black dress that is um, okay, somewhat sexy.  But it's not horribly sexy like, it's not low cut.  It fits her tiny body really well with nothing hanging out.  Connor freaked out too when he saw it.  "You don't think it looks good?" I asked him when I saw the horror in his eyes.  "No," he mouthed to me, "she looks too good."  He raised his eyebrows to confirm that apparently, this was not a good thing.  He is so protective of her, it's actually kind of endearing.   As for Brian, I told him that I spent four hours of my day shopping with her and that if he had any spare time this week, he was free to take Tessa out and find another dress.  That shut him up.

So now, I am spending my evening correcting and making plans for this week.  And my daughter has her very pretty (black) dress for the dance.  Brian is off to bed already, sound asleep.  It's official.  Next time, he's doing the dress shopping.

Correcting Papers On a Saturday Night...

September 17 -- So here I am on a Saturday night, correcting papers in my office (to add to the picture...my cheaters are resting nearby in case of emergency due to pale, tiny handwriting.  uggh I am so old!)  Brian is also nearby working on his computer.  Thank God.  I told him, I am so glad he has a second business and is okay with me correcting papers while he works etc.  Because it would totally suck if he was like, hey...let's watch a movie.  At least we are both working.

I have to confess though...as much of a drag it is, I am glad that I am doing it.  I am learning lots about my English students, getting a very clear idea of how hard I am going to have to work to lead them to a higher level of learning but -- omigod, this is huge -- at least I can see where I need to go. This is priceless!  Now of course, the issue remains about whether or not I can actually take them further on their leaning curve (and for some of them, it is steep indeed) but they are earnest students.  I can tell in their essays, poorly supported but -- so hopeful -- well organized in paragraph format!  A start at least!

But one more confession.  As I am working on this pile of papers, a glass of malbec is very, very helpful.  It is, after all, Saturday night!  And the fun-loving part of me is...well...part of me!  Sure there are parties going on that I am not attending, or friends to hang out with, but at this stage in my life -- this is my life!  And I am really okay with it.  Really.

(For anyone interested, this Malbec is amazing.  Totally smooth, like butter.  Forgive me if I am not using correct wine verbage but really, it's like butter!  Gouguenheim Malbec, 2009.  Got it for $9.99.)

Now off to read more papers.  Not.  I deserve a break so I am going to bed -- will read some more of Left Neglected -- a great book so far...scary, but good.

Friday Night UConn Football -- woo hoo

September 19 -- We went to our first college football game (not counting our college games...).  It was a lot of fun but the best part was that we saw Luke for all of 30 minutes.  But it was a wonderful 30 minutes.

It's late.  I am tired.  But warm.  (It was freezing but not as bad as I feared.)  Lots of older men at these games...

Just an observation!

Brad Pitt Comes Clean

September 15 --  So I just saw an article where Brad Pitt admits "in a candid interview" his reasons for ending his marriage to Jennifer Aniston.  It's definitely not candid if he doesn't admit his attraction to this mid-life housewife who is like, hellooooo, the answer to his dreams.  haha.

I was just talking about Brad Pitt to my students today.  One of their assignments in their character analysis projects is to come up with an actor who could portray their character.  Since many of the characters in the book are rugged cowboy types,  I naturally suggested ol' Brad.  In fact, I would put Brad in pretty much any movie I made.  And George Clooney...and oh, definitely Johnny Depp.  Yup.  I think I made a big mistake going back to teaching because I am fairly certain I would have been one helluva casting director.

Sigh.

Lily Goes Upstairs...

September 14, 2011 -- I really don't know how this all came about but we officially decided -- in the last week or so -- to let Lily go upstairs.  I drew the line at letting her sleep in a bed upstairs but I just feel like she is always up there whenever we go out so why the heck not make it official?  (She is forever leaving ripped up Kleenexes and stuff lying around the bedrooms.)  So it was kind of funny today when Connor told me that he texted Luke and gave him the news that now, "Lily is allowed to go upstairs."  I guess Luke texted back, "really?!!"  The kids always wanted us to let the dog come upstairs but I am betting Luke was bummed to hear that by the time we finally gave in to their begging, he was already gone.

I read a story recently about how dogs get depressed when kids go back to school.  Our house totally empties out in the fall so I guess Lily is pretty sad.  But she doesn't act like the dogs in the article so I think we are okay.  Apparently, one dog who always slept with the teenage boy in the family totally fell apart when he left to go to college for the first time.  (Thus confirming my rule about not letting Lily sleep in the kids' beds. I can barely stand looking at Luke's empty bed;  I can't even imagine how Lily would feel if she were used to sleeping in his bed every night...)

Tonight, I miss my Old Job

September 13 -- Tonight I got an email from the new pr girl -- the one we hired to take my job.  I read her email about learning how to use inDesign and create the next newsletter for the region.  I couldn't help but read her email with a heavy heart.  I had it so good and I didn't know it.  Why, I am thinking, did I ever leave?  Why was I so focused on "expanding my mind, exploring new avenues?" (In all honesty, I was rather bored after three years at the job.) But  even the school nurse said to me when I finished my blood pathogen training quiz (no you cannot get a blood pathogen virus from the air), "why did you leave the pr job?  You had such a good thing going..."  ughhh.  I did have a good thing. My boss liked me a lot.  My peers were wonderful (for the most part.)  I came and went as I pleased.  I got the job done and then, as time allowed, I added more and more responsibilities.  But the money stunk.  And truly, I wanted to get back into the classroom.  The schedule fit my needs for being around the children.  (especially in the summer!)  (How many months till summer break?!)  And there were benefits -- as in health benefits!

I am just so tired.  Today I worked from 7am until 6:30pm.  and then came home and worked some more.  And it's only Tuesday.  And I will work all weekend, I know it.  Is it worth it?  The stress?  I want to be a yoga teacher.  Meditate and speak quietly and do amazing twists and bends which help me maintain flexibility.  I want to teach students who want to be there!  Ahhhhhh.  But will it help pay the college bills.  Does it pay a retirement benefit?  Is that all worth it?  stay tuned...

Design Star Winner! (I wish it were me :)

September 12 -- I stayed up tonight with the kids -- special treat for them -- to watch the finale of Design Star.  Tessa couldn't stop talking about it all night and then, right when they were about to announce the winner, I looked over at my daughter who ran four/five miles today in cross country and...she was fast asleep.  Too funny.  I, however, was wide awake and on the edge of my seat.  And my favorite (Meg) won.  Of course.  I picked every person who left the show each week.  I knew Meg was going to win.

As I watched, when a commercial break came on, I would dash upstairs to get ready for bed and then come back down to watch the rest of the show when the commercials were over.  And I couldn't help but admire how my house looked (during the mad dashes upstairs and back down.)  The lighting was great, the wall colors lovely, the accessories popped in just the right spots with perfect balance.  And it was abundantly clear -- I wish I were on Design Star!!  It would be great!  I could be a middle aged designer whose schtick was to create comfortable, inviting rooms for woman suffering from mid-life mood swings and hot flashes!  I would be the oldest Design Star ever!  I could make HGTV history!!

And now I have to ask myself, what is it about me that isn't happy where I am?  After a year and a half of interviewing,  I finally get this teaching job, in an economy where people are struggling to find decent employment.  And now I am daydreaming about ditching it to try out for an HGTV show?  Yes, yes, I am joking about the "leaving teaching for HGTV"  That's a pipe dream.  But I could still try out sometime...maybe when I am even older.  Then I could design for senior citizens...now there's a thought!  (Do senior citizens even watch HGTV?)

When it comes down to it -- decorating is my passion, teaching is a love.  (and a steady paycheck to boot.)  Is there a difference?  Can I do it all?  Time will tell...as for now, it's time to get some sleep so I can be on the ball for those precious kids (and truly, they are) in school tomorrow.

(Brief) Thoughts about 9/11

September 11, 2011 -- It's hard to believe that it has been ten years since our world was changed so irrevocably by violence in the skies.   My friend from college, Stacy, was killed in the World Trade Towers.  She left behind a husband and two children.  When I think of Stacy, I see a young woman who always had a smile for everyone.  A definite bright light, extinguished so early.   So many deaths, so many tragic stories.  So many close calls.  It all made no sense and really?  It still doesn't.  Time has just blurred the event, but not provided any resolution.  We are still fighting some hard to understand battle -- our objective morphs with each new country we "invade."  It all just seems so nebulous.

And like I said, I don't think we are any closer to resolving the tragedy than we were 10 years ago.  So maybe...invasion wasn't the answer.  Ya think?!

A Letter to My Dad -- Who Has Alzheimer's

September 10 --  Today I wrote another letter to my dad for his memory book.  I started the memory book earlier this year and my goal was to send him letters (he loves mail) with memories about my childhood that he could read again and again.  Needless to say, life took over and I have not added any information in months.  Tonight, I wrote a letter impulsively...

Dear Dad,

I have another memory for you to put in your book.  I was thinking about how we used to go to Goose Green Lake in the summer.  I remember how we wouldn’t know we were going and then, suddenly, you would tell us to get someone to do our newspaper route because we were going “to Goose Green.”  And we would all shout in happiness.

I loved how everything smelled at Goose Green Lake.  There was the crisp smell of the pines which made you want to head under them to sit under the trees where it was  shady and cool.  I remember the scent of the Coppertone suntan lotion we used.  But mostly I remember how, when you held us in the water or threw us in the air to land splashing in the lake, you smelled so clean…so safe.  I always loved that smell and I will never, ever forget it.

I thought you were so cool Dad, because you would find those reeds or sticks and whittle whistles for us.  Nobody else’s dad could do that!  I wish I still had one of those whistles to show my kids.  I remember how you would slant the tip of the stick at the whistle part.  It was all very mysterious how you were able to do it.  But the sound…it was beautiful.  Maybe not to you guys – I am guessing that the sound of all of us playing on those whistles was kind of obnoxious-- but I loved that music.

And I love you.

Have a great day!        Xoxo, Your daughter, T

TIred but TGIF!

September 9 --  I fell asleep in the car tonight on the way home from dinner.  Brian and I dropped the kids off at the high school, went out to dinner and then ran a few errands before the stores closed and then I just...passed out.  Thank God Brian was driving!  But now all the kids are in bed, home from the first high school dance of the year -- woo hoo.  Tessa is fast asleep so I will have to get the details from her tomorrow morning.  I can't wait.  She looked so pretty when we dropped her off.  (Connor looked cute too!)

And now, a weekend...time to work some more and plan the lessons for the week ahead, omg.  I am so excited I can barely restrain myself.  (sarcasm)

Every Day I'm Shufflin'

September 8 -- I swear I feel like I am a basketball bouncing from one responsibility to another.  I wake up and I am the wife in bed with my husband.  I go downstairs and I am the mom picking up the laundry on the stairs.  And so it goes... all day long.  I do realize that I am not alone in this shuffle madness but as I free fall in this state of utter exhaustion, I feel really lonely.  I miss talking to my friends the most.  I mean, I am making new friends at work for sure but it's not the same.

This morning, when it was pouring rain out with thunder thrown in for added effect, I did NOT want to go to work.  I looked at Brian and was like, I cannot stand this job!  Poor guy.  But then, maybe half way through the day, I was in the middle of a class discussion about a poem and the kids were like, soooo into it and I thought, whoaaaa, this is really, really cool!

And then I got home and Luke called.  I hate that I can't figure out how he is doing at school.  I mean he says he is fine, he says he is not sad, he says things are good.  But then he is like, you know, I can catch a ride home with Anthony sometime...and then I ask, do you want to come home?  And he says no.  Aghhhhh.  I think he is fine, just maybe a little homesick.  I have nothing to offer him but my encouragement and my prayers.  I have to cut the cord.  But it still is really hard.

And now off to bed.  Just finished off my wine -- the high of the night.

Who Is Watching the Kids??

September 7 -- Tonight, Brian had an emergency at work and had to stay really late.  So I made dinner for the first time in ages.  It was nice to get back in the kitchen (I love to cook) but he had laid out the ingredients for a "special" recipe that he and the kids love.  I like it to but I don't like cooking it -- too many steps for a week night dinner.  It was Shepherds Pie with mashed potatoes made from scratch but he bought the gravy packets, thank goodness.  ANyway, by the time I got it in the oven, I was exhausted and still had work to do.   I finished dinner, made my lunch for tomorrow and headed into the office.  About an hour or so later, I realized that all the kids had gone to bed.  I remembered Riley coming over and giving him a hug and a kiss goodnight but...I didn't remember Tessa.  Or Connor.  It was all a blur.

And that's a bummer part of this new job.  I do miss those little lovies.  Although, admittedly, I do see quite a bit of Tessa and Connor at school.  In a way, that's nice because when she is in front of others, Tessa is always a joy to be around.  (It's just when we are home alone that the other "part" comes out!)  The kids have been really good overall -- and every day they make me smile or laugh out loud.  ahhhhh.  It's all part of life I know.  I am blessed to have them, and even luckier, in this economy, to have a steady job.  So be it.

I Feel Like a Fake

September 6, 2011 --   Today, in the middle of American Lit, or maybe it was closer to the beginning of class, I was standing in front of the kids setting up a lesson about setting.  And I looked at all of the eager faces in front of me and my stomach started to churn.  I could literally feel a wave of anxiety sweep over me.  I thought to myself, what the hell am I doing standing here?  I don't want to be here.  Let someone else teach them about setting!  I stink.  I'm a fake.  I am not a teacher!!  And then I took a breath, and then another one, and then I carried on the lesson.  And it turned out pretty well.  I think.  I am so overwhelmed and insecure right now, I just want to run away instead of sticking it out.  (There is that running away theme again...)  Deep down, I would never leave now because I would be so mad at myself for not finishing the year.  And I would never want to model that for my kids.  (My biological ones.)

But the reality is that I am tired.  And scared.  And so damn frustrated that I have three different classes to prepare for with all lower level kids and no curriculum to follow except an anthology and some paper backs.  No overview of what they need to know, what kind of analysis or element of lit, nothing.  That makes it so unbelievably difficult.  The other disciplines in my school have a set curriculum to follow.  But not the English dept.  Truly.  I just want to cry.

I know.  I know.  One day at a time.  But I worked all weekend and will work next weekend and the weekend after that...will I ever get a break?  And yes, I know other people do it too but I made this decision to go back to work.  I didn't get forced into it.  (ok -- maybe a little with Luke's college tuition and all...) but still.  I did love interior decorating.  But it wasn't consistent.  So now, I embrace consistent paychecks.  My biggest fear then, (since I went for this on my own volition) is that I made a mistake.  A huge one.  But I didn't.  Everything teaches us something.  And boy, am I learning.  As Brian said to me tonight, "it's all new."  It is.  Every little part of it, right on down to having to make my lunches every day.  Ughhhh.  God help me.  Please.

Back to the Grind

September 5 --  So my first three day weekend is over...none in sight for awhile.  It's kind of weird to think about going back to for another week.  I spent all day (and I mean all day) just working on this week's lesson plans for all three preps (five classes).  It's not just figuring out what to teach, it's learning the material, doing the handouts, hw, essential questions etc.  And you can't rush that thinking or preparing.

I was bummed about not being able to head out with Brian and the kids when they went out for awhile but i did get out for a nice bike ride tonight and -- even more importantly -- I was home when Luke called from school!  He is really loving it.  Apparently he and his roommate re-arranged their room and were searching Craigslist for a couch.  I was like, what?!  What did you do to the room?  (I loved how we set up his side of the room!  It was so chic and cozy and put-together.  Totally cool.)  He just laughed at me.  He's right -- it is his room to do what he wants to it.  (I guess. :)   So I sat at my computer at home and he sat at his laptop at school and we both did some googling on line, searching for the right product at the right price.   I was finally able to convince him to get a couple of comfy chairs (great bean bag chairs with armrests at Walmart!) instead of a couch.  Ahhhhh.  I really do love the design stuff.   I am so glad I am not done with opportunities to tap into that creative side.  Not that teaching isn't creative.  It's just a different aspect of it, that's all.

So on to week 2.

HGTV's Design Star Rocks

September 4 --  Tonight the kids and I watched last week's episode of Design Star where they whittled down the contestants from four to three.  We were able to watch it on Netflix and, because the next episode airs tomorrow, it was imperative to watch it tonight.  One hour of design competition.   Ahhh, it was awesome.   And there, in a nutshell, is the extent of the excitement in my life right now.  Sad huh?! All week I kept thinking I could fit it in but in the craziness of work, caring for the kids and then more work, there was no time left for watching the battle of decorating on HGTV.

Today, with papers to correct and the prospect of making lesson plans for the week ahead of me, I was totally depressed about the whole teaching gig.  I have such fear and, like the stress one feels at the beginning of a long run (how will I ever finish? I want to quit right away!  It's too painful! ), I have so much anxiety about actually completing the school year.  I realize, (with my years of yoga training) that it's one day at a time, one breath at a time, but there are so many other factors to consider.  The first is that when I screw up in the classroom, I am letting down more than just me.  But, when I screw up, it's an opportunity to teach a lesson far greater than anything learned in a textbook -- it's a chance to teach humility.  But it still seems really scary.  The second is that I am constantly questioning myself -- is this the right choice for me?  Did I make a mistake telling everyone that this is what I wanted?

My friend Lori gave me great advice this morning when she talked about the balance sheet of decision making.  Yes it's hard.  Yes it's overwhelming.  Yes, I often feel like I want to puke...and quit.  But the other side is that I am bringing in a steady paycheck.  That I have great insurance for my family.  And that I can use my writing and reading and dynamic personality (haha) to help others.  That's what I always encourage my own children to do.  Find a way to help others and grow in the process.  Most important, it doesn't have to be forever.  Truly.  I can ALWAYS change my mind.  And deep, deep down, I do realize that I need t finish this year before I can make a solid assessment about the overall teaching experience.  I would be sooooo pissed at myself if I quit now.  I have truly, barely started.   I just need to learn to take myself less seriously!  (and eat more chocolate.)

I also know that if I am going to succeed here, (and for me, success will be entirely subjective and will be based on doing the best I can this year) I have to try and relax a little bit.  Thus -- Design Star.  I need to find the small moments of diversion, the opportunities where I can try on other hats and remember who I am inside -- a nurturer, an artist,  a lover of life and a passionate fan of all things beautiful.  

Week One of Teaching is Done!

September 2 -- I can't believe it's already September and I have been writing this blog for so long.  Seriously, when I started this on Jan 1, I never imagined I would meet my goal.  (still four months to go so I can't get too cocky...)  But it's still a long time.  nine months.

Today was the end of the week -- a four day week.  Not even a five day one.  And I was totally and completely drained.  When the last kid left and the busses took off and I had gone to the bathroom and made some copies I came back into my room, called Brian and then I started to cry.  I was talking to my friend Carrie tonight who, as a past teacher, confirmed my feelings.  "You can't even say if you love the job or not," she said.  "It's just not possible to love the job in the beginning (years!) of teaching. "  She said that when she started she felt like she was "swimming upstream and barely keeping her head above water."  That's exactly how I feel.  But I am secretly proud of myself too.  I got my wiki set up.  I got a projector to connect to my computer so the kids can do power point presentations or I can bring in youtube videos relevant to the class work.  I have definitely made progress.  It's just that as one week ends, the next one looms ahead with all of its planning needs.   And I watch the other teachers and I think, ughhhh, they look so calm, so sage.  They are all relaxed.  (As my stomach churns and my head aches with anxiety.)

But then I think, I made a kid laugh today.  I helped a student make a difficult decision.  I gave another student advice about his writing that I knew was excellent and helpful.  I connected with the kids.  I know I did.  So yeah, I don't love it right now.  Sorry.  It's just too hard to love at this point.  But there is a distinct possibility for joy.  And that's what I am holding on to.    Brian feels like it's his fault I am not in la la land right now.  He is sad when I cry.  But I am crying from frustration and exhaustion.  Not because I wish I were home.  Sure, I miss being home.  But I don't wish I was there.  This decision to go back to the classroom -- even with all of its craziness -- feels right somehow.  ANd that's what I have to keep remembering...

In nine months -- the same amount of time I have been writing this blog -- I will be finishing up the year and preparing for final exams.  That's no time at all!

Thank God For Brian!

September 1, 2011 -- I am exhausted.  Truly.  But I am not too tired to be so grateful for Brian and all of his help as I start this new adventure in full time teaching.  The days fly by -- I am literally never bored.  Drained.  Exhausted.  Hot and tired.  But never bored.  Nevertheless, when I come home and start doing the house stuff -- folding laundry, putting clothes away etc., I am so grateful that Brian likes to cook dinner.  It is absolutely and totally the best.  He does lots of other things too, like picking up the kids from marching band  etc.  But kicking in and taking over my cooking dinner job is just such a help and yeah, I know I am lucky!