Week One of Teaching is Done!

September 2 -- I can't believe it's already September and I have been writing this blog for so long.  Seriously, when I started this on Jan 1, I never imagined I would meet my goal.  (still four months to go so I can't get too cocky...)  But it's still a long time.  nine months.

Today was the end of the week -- a four day week.  Not even a five day one.  And I was totally and completely drained.  When the last kid left and the busses took off and I had gone to the bathroom and made some copies I came back into my room, called Brian and then I started to cry.  I was talking to my friend Carrie tonight who, as a past teacher, confirmed my feelings.  "You can't even say if you love the job or not," she said.  "It's just not possible to love the job in the beginning (years!) of teaching. "  She said that when she started she felt like she was "swimming upstream and barely keeping her head above water."  That's exactly how I feel.  But I am secretly proud of myself too.  I got my wiki set up.  I got a projector to connect to my computer so the kids can do power point presentations or I can bring in youtube videos relevant to the class work.  I have definitely made progress.  It's just that as one week ends, the next one looms ahead with all of its planning needs.   And I watch the other teachers and I think, ughhhh, they look so calm, so sage.  They are all relaxed.  (As my stomach churns and my head aches with anxiety.)

But then I think, I made a kid laugh today.  I helped a student make a difficult decision.  I gave another student advice about his writing that I knew was excellent and helpful.  I connected with the kids.  I know I did.  So yeah, I don't love it right now.  Sorry.  It's just too hard to love at this point.  But there is a distinct possibility for joy.  And that's what I am holding on to.    Brian feels like it's his fault I am not in la la land right now.  He is sad when I cry.  But I am crying from frustration and exhaustion.  Not because I wish I were home.  Sure, I miss being home.  But I don't wish I was there.  This decision to go back to the classroom -- even with all of its craziness -- feels right somehow.  ANd that's what I have to keep remembering...

In nine months -- the same amount of time I have been writing this blog -- I will be finishing up the year and preparing for final exams.  That's no time at all!