HGTV's Design Star Rocks

September 4 --  Tonight the kids and I watched last week's episode of Design Star where they whittled down the contestants from four to three.  We were able to watch it on Netflix and, because the next episode airs tomorrow, it was imperative to watch it tonight.  One hour of design competition.   Ahhh, it was awesome.   And there, in a nutshell, is the extent of the excitement in my life right now.  Sad huh?! All week I kept thinking I could fit it in but in the craziness of work, caring for the kids and then more work, there was no time left for watching the battle of decorating on HGTV.

Today, with papers to correct and the prospect of making lesson plans for the week ahead of me, I was totally depressed about the whole teaching gig.  I have such fear and, like the stress one feels at the beginning of a long run (how will I ever finish? I want to quit right away!  It's too painful! ), I have so much anxiety about actually completing the school year.  I realize, (with my years of yoga training) that it's one day at a time, one breath at a time, but there are so many other factors to consider.  The first is that when I screw up in the classroom, I am letting down more than just me.  But, when I screw up, it's an opportunity to teach a lesson far greater than anything learned in a textbook -- it's a chance to teach humility.  But it still seems really scary.  The second is that I am constantly questioning myself -- is this the right choice for me?  Did I make a mistake telling everyone that this is what I wanted?

My friend Lori gave me great advice this morning when she talked about the balance sheet of decision making.  Yes it's hard.  Yes it's overwhelming.  Yes, I often feel like I want to puke...and quit.  But the other side is that I am bringing in a steady paycheck.  That I have great insurance for my family.  And that I can use my writing and reading and dynamic personality (haha) to help others.  That's what I always encourage my own children to do.  Find a way to help others and grow in the process.  Most important, it doesn't have to be forever.  Truly.  I can ALWAYS change my mind.  And deep, deep down, I do realize that I need t finish this year before I can make a solid assessment about the overall teaching experience.  I would be sooooo pissed at myself if I quit now.  I have truly, barely started.   I just need to learn to take myself less seriously!  (and eat more chocolate.)

I also know that if I am going to succeed here, (and for me, success will be entirely subjective and will be based on doing the best I can this year) I have to try and relax a little bit.  Thus -- Design Star.  I need to find the small moments of diversion, the opportunities where I can try on other hats and remember who I am inside -- a nurturer, an artist,  a lover of life and a passionate fan of all things beautiful.