May 31 -- Exactly one year ago today, I sent an application to the school system where I work as a pr person. I was applying for one of two English positions open at the high school. ALthough I interviewed well, I did not get a job. I was devastated.
When I got feed back (basically that the new young kids coming out of college are totally more prepared to enter the classroom than an old babe like me who has been home eating bon bons for the last 15 years) I did what I had to do -- what I could do given the limitations set by my family to get a little more knowledge under my belt.
I have been interviewing all year. And I never get called back for the job. Am I loser? Ha. That remains to be seen. But, like Charlie Brown and the football, I am gearing up to apply for an opening at the high school again. Weirdly, I submitted it tonight -- a year to the DAY from when I submitted it last year. Yeah. So now I am confused. I am. There is a huge part of me that is asking myself -- what are you doing? why do you want to teach again? it's hard! The kids are mean! When will you have time to watch the sun filter in through the windows in the early quiet of the morning after the kids have all left for school? the job I have now affords me so much flexibility to run the household and still do a professional job. And yet, it doesn't afford me much more because, quite frankly, it doesn't pay too much either. But it's a job nonetheless. So why do I keep going back and filling out teaching applications? I truly feel like one of those moths that gets attracted to the flame only to get burned in the fire. I DON"T KNOW!!!! It's like a part of me is being stubborn and saying, hey, this is a great way to get financially back on track. And I knew how to do it once and I can do it again for God's sake. Seriously. When I think ughh, how do I figure out how to weigh the grades I get so pissed at myself! It's not rocket science? It's like I am totally psyching myself out.
Like G said today -- I am too old to be in it for a pension. I can always leave if it is not a good fit. And that's what I am basing my application effort on. I want to see if I have what it takes. If I do -- awesome. But if I don't -- I can change my path. One thing is for sure. I know I have the courage to do it And that's a great thing.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
A Very Bizarre Memorial Day
May 30 -- Strangest Memorial Day Ever started with Riley checking in on the neighbor's chickens and finding two of them dead. After last night's invasion with the raccoon, Brian went up with Riley just to be safe. And sure enough, there was a perp in the chicken coop. As Brian scanned the rafters in the barn, Riley let out the chickens and closed the barn door. There, perched in the corner of the barn, just over the roosting area, was another raccoon.
At that point, with it up there hissing and baring its teeth, there was nothing left to do but kill it. Everybody was freaked that it was rabid. So when Luke and Connor came home (because the morning parade was canceled) they all entered the barn with shovels and pitchforks. The raccoon put up a nasty fight but they eventually got it. Brian said that they worked as a team and that at one point, he thought about letting the raccoon go but he was afraid it was crazed. That and he was totally pissed that the coon killed two chickens.
Whatever. The whole day was strange. At the parade, Luke played Taps with Mike and Luke messed up. The kid never practiced and acted like he didn't even want to do well. Which naturally got me really angry. He looked like an idiot -- when your teacher asks you to perform in front of a crowd -- you prepare. Luke is a good kid but I just shake my head at his ambivalence to do really well at something. He says is just a mediocre kid but that's bullshit. That's the story he is telling himself so he can just glide through his days with minimal effort. But he has talent so he gets outed when asked to do public performances. It's almost like he sabotages it. I don't know. Part of me doesn't care either. But the part of me that loves him and wants him to do well in life, gets worried that he will never re-write the script and go for the gold.
And then, the parade leader played a sound track of air force planes flying over on the loudspeaker. As Connor said, "cheesy." There was hardly anyone there either. In a nutshell? I am grateful for the soldiers who sacrificed their lives but today's events were really, really weird.
At that point, with it up there hissing and baring its teeth, there was nothing left to do but kill it. Everybody was freaked that it was rabid. So when Luke and Connor came home (because the morning parade was canceled) they all entered the barn with shovels and pitchforks. The raccoon put up a nasty fight but they eventually got it. Brian said that they worked as a team and that at one point, he thought about letting the raccoon go but he was afraid it was crazed. That and he was totally pissed that the coon killed two chickens.
Whatever. The whole day was strange. At the parade, Luke played Taps with Mike and Luke messed up. The kid never practiced and acted like he didn't even want to do well. Which naturally got me really angry. He looked like an idiot -- when your teacher asks you to perform in front of a crowd -- you prepare. Luke is a good kid but I just shake my head at his ambivalence to do really well at something. He says is just a mediocre kid but that's bullshit. That's the story he is telling himself so he can just glide through his days with minimal effort. But he has talent so he gets outed when asked to do public performances. It's almost like he sabotages it. I don't know. Part of me doesn't care either. But the part of me that loves him and wants him to do well in life, gets worried that he will never re-write the script and go for the gold.
And then, the parade leader played a sound track of air force planes flying over on the loudspeaker. As Connor said, "cheesy." There was hardly anyone there either. In a nutshell? I am grateful for the soldiers who sacrificed their lives but today's events were really, really weird.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Gardening Sucks (just kidding)
May 28th -- A long, long time ago when the kids were young, I really loved to garden. I made so many beds I lost count. We have like, a zillion of them. Once upon a time, this made me very happy. When the little ones were napping and the older kids were at school, it was sheer heaven to go out and work on the flowers and vegetables. And when they were well taken care of, man, it was beautiful. I was a walking ad for the joys of gardening. The zen peacefulness of seeing the flowers blossom, watching the hummingbirds dart from flower to flower.
Yeah. Those days are long gone. With the kids involved in sports and social activities -- are weekends are spent driving all over the place, not staying home to care for the yard. Between busy kid schedules and rainy weather, it gets to the point where one nice day suddenly becomes a gardening frenzy. I start on one bed and happen to look over at another one...and the weeds are disgusting. It's all I can do to keep from crying -- there is so much work and not enough time.
It's just not fun.
But then there are days like today where all the kids pitch in and suddenly, it looks like maybe I can get the gardens under control for the season. Fortunately, Luke and Riley and even Connor love to garden. Tessa was a help with planting the flower pots. And the new coop got painted a bright barn red. It looks awesome. And then I remember...it is fun to garden. I just wish it didn't have to get so crammed into a few days.
But those times will come again, I know. Although I still think I have way too many beds. Lately, I have found myself dreaming about a pool... ad different kind of work I know but I am thinking I could cover several of the beds. It's a thought anyway!
Yeah. Those days are long gone. With the kids involved in sports and social activities -- are weekends are spent driving all over the place, not staying home to care for the yard. Between busy kid schedules and rainy weather, it gets to the point where one nice day suddenly becomes a gardening frenzy. I start on one bed and happen to look over at another one...and the weeds are disgusting. It's all I can do to keep from crying -- there is so much work and not enough time.
It's just not fun.
But then there are days like today where all the kids pitch in and suddenly, it looks like maybe I can get the gardens under control for the season. Fortunately, Luke and Riley and even Connor love to garden. Tessa was a help with planting the flower pots. And the new coop got painted a bright barn red. It looks awesome. And then I remember...it is fun to garden. I just wish it didn't have to get so crammed into a few days.
But those times will come again, I know. Although I still think I have way too many beds. Lately, I have found myself dreaming about a pool... ad different kind of work I know but I am thinking I could cover several of the beds. It's a thought anyway!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Graduation Party Season Begins...
May 28 -- Three weeks until graduation and this weekend marked our first (and maybe only?!) graduation party. It was a lovely event and we got there late because Riley had a baseball game and Connor had practice and yada yada yada, the days are so crazy!
But it was fun and there were a nice bunch of people who came late like we did. (whew). We got the invitations in the mail for Luke's party today and now we just have to send some to a few more of his friends whose addresses I don't have ...but there are like 25 parties that day so I don't know how many will make it to Luke's party. But whatever. it will be fine. I am soooooo, not going to worry about it. But Shelley did such a nice job with the tent and the tables and so on. Do I have to do that? aaaahhhh!!!
I will do the best I can. What else can I do? And it will be fine.
But it was fun and there were a nice bunch of people who came late like we did. (whew). We got the invitations in the mail for Luke's party today and now we just have to send some to a few more of his friends whose addresses I don't have ...but there are like 25 parties that day so I don't know how many will make it to Luke's party. But whatever. it will be fine. I am soooooo, not going to worry about it. But Shelley did such a nice job with the tent and the tables and so on. Do I have to do that? aaaahhhh!!!
I will do the best I can. What else can I do? And it will be fine.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Bonfire of the Boys
May 27 -- I did something tonight I never imagined I would EVER do -- I went to a high school reunion meeting. If two of my Fab 5 members weren't going to be there I would never have gone but I was definitely strong-armed. Overall, it was fairly harmless, planning the menu and deciding what kind of bar to offer. But when Christina turned to the manager of the country club and asked him if we could have blue and white napkins, I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it! The whole concept sounded so... prom'ish.
Anyway, after we were done with planning, we ditched the others and went out for a drink and something to eat. My hometown is soooooo small, everyone is connected in some way. It's bizarre. I mean totally bizarre. It's more like two degrees of separation.
So when I got home, it was fairly late. And there is the bonfire raging in the backyard with Luke's friends hovering. don't these kids have a curfew? It's nearly midnight. Oh my God, as I type this another car has just come down the driveway. NO way. I have to go out and close this party because I am not staying up much longer. What is it with these boys and their bonfires? I know Luke is probably having a hard time telling everyone to go home. Especially since it seems to be getting bigger, not smaller.
ughhh. Time to go out and tell the boys to git outta here. I hate that job but somebody has to do it. Here I go. (yuck)
Anyway, after we were done with planning, we ditched the others and went out for a drink and something to eat. My hometown is soooooo small, everyone is connected in some way. It's bizarre. I mean totally bizarre. It's more like two degrees of separation.
So when I got home, it was fairly late. And there is the bonfire raging in the backyard with Luke's friends hovering. don't these kids have a curfew? It's nearly midnight. Oh my God, as I type this another car has just come down the driveway. NO way. I have to go out and close this party because I am not staying up much longer. What is it with these boys and their bonfires? I know Luke is probably having a hard time telling everyone to go home. Especially since it seems to be getting bigger, not smaller.
ughhh. Time to go out and tell the boys to git outta here. I hate that job but somebody has to do it. Here I go. (yuck)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Pass
May 26th -- I have not taken a "pass" in ages. But I just want to use one tonight. Do not feel like writing at all. I am soooooo tired and my head hurts.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Always the Bridesmaid...Never the Bride
May 25 -- I had another interview for a teaching position today; this time it was for a 7th grade Language Arts position at a local middle school. In an awesome district. Seriously. their test scores rock in comparison to our town's.
ANyway, I had the weirdest feeling when I went for the interview. It wasn't so much that I didn't care. I did. It's just that I have this vibe now, after, let's see...six interviews in as many towns, that even when I think I did great, it's not great enough to get called back. The last interview I had, I swear I did awesome. When the principal walked me to the door and told me they would be calling back the top two candidates I was like, "hey, don't even bother with the rest of the interviews. I know you all loved me, just tell me now." But nooooooo, I wasn't even a finalist. The good news, I guess, is that at least I am getting called in for interviews.
So today, I thought I did okay. That's about it. I had some good answers, and some ah, average ones. Or so I think. Actually, I don't think I did that well. It's weird. You just never know the questions -- everyone asks such different ones. And I wasn't great at the specifics. I am too generalist and I can't spit off all the "lingo" answers. Screw the lingo.
We'll see what happens. This town is moving slower so I won't hear for a while. And then, of course, I had an awesome day at work. I really do have fun with this part time job -- mostly because we all seem to get along in the office. But it's part time and hourly pay. I get that. But I could always work for Brian and bring in more money for his business. ughhhhhh. I don't know what to do!!!!
As I say to the kids...one day at a time.
ANyway, I had the weirdest feeling when I went for the interview. It wasn't so much that I didn't care. I did. It's just that I have this vibe now, after, let's see...six interviews in as many towns, that even when I think I did great, it's not great enough to get called back. The last interview I had, I swear I did awesome. When the principal walked me to the door and told me they would be calling back the top two candidates I was like, "hey, don't even bother with the rest of the interviews. I know you all loved me, just tell me now." But nooooooo, I wasn't even a finalist. The good news, I guess, is that at least I am getting called in for interviews.
So today, I thought I did okay. That's about it. I had some good answers, and some ah, average ones. Or so I think. Actually, I don't think I did that well. It's weird. You just never know the questions -- everyone asks such different ones. And I wasn't great at the specifics. I am too generalist and I can't spit off all the "lingo" answers. Screw the lingo.
We'll see what happens. This town is moving slower so I won't hear for a while. And then, of course, I had an awesome day at work. I really do have fun with this part time job -- mostly because we all seem to get along in the office. But it's part time and hourly pay. I get that. But I could always work for Brian and bring in more money for his business. ughhhhhh. I don't know what to do!!!!
As I say to the kids...one day at a time.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Cindy has Strep. And Sinusitus.
May 24 -- I called my friend Cindy today, she who hurt her knee and required laporoscopic (sp) surgery. I was just telling Lori about how in a very bizarre way, illnesses or pulled muscles that sideline us are often our body's way of telling us to relax. It gives us the ability to say "no." And then I talked to Cindy. She sounded horrible.
Not only did she hurt her knee, now she was dealing with a nasty case of sinus infection and possibly strep. Truly -- she sounded like total crap. I am not calling her again for a long, long, time. I want to talk to her when she is all well and has gained a life affirming perspective about the whole situation. Just kidding. I'll call her in a few days to see if she sounds any better, poor kid.
Speaking of calling people who sound awful -- I called my mother today too. She totally gave me the witchy guilt trip she has done her whole life (and mine). The one where she gets snotty with me for not calling. If there was nothing to intense going on with her, she wouldn't care. But apparently her sister, my aunt, is in the hospital and she is freaking out because she hasn't been able to talk to her. I was like, hellooooo, do you even know my number? You could call me too. Whatever. It's a total downer every time I call her. I wasn't able to tell her any of our good news because she is so unbelievably focused on her bad news.
It's like having another child. And I want a full time job? Really? I don't know. I just don't know.
Not only did she hurt her knee, now she was dealing with a nasty case of sinus infection and possibly strep. Truly -- she sounded like total crap. I am not calling her again for a long, long, time. I want to talk to her when she is all well and has gained a life affirming perspective about the whole situation. Just kidding. I'll call her in a few days to see if she sounds any better, poor kid.
Speaking of calling people who sound awful -- I called my mother today too. She totally gave me the witchy guilt trip she has done her whole life (and mine). The one where she gets snotty with me for not calling. If there was nothing to intense going on with her, she wouldn't care. But apparently her sister, my aunt, is in the hospital and she is freaking out because she hasn't been able to talk to her. I was like, hellooooo, do you even know my number? You could call me too. Whatever. It's a total downer every time I call her. I wasn't able to tell her any of our good news because she is so unbelievably focused on her bad news.
It's like having another child. And I want a full time job? Really? I don't know. I just don't know.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Coming Out and Going to the Prom
May 23 -- Over the last couple of days, I have been hearing about a kind of bizarre social trend that has been apparently going on in our town for the last several years. Apparently, the senior prom, or during prom weekend, is the prime time for students to come out and tell their peers they are gay. I don't really have statistical or scientific data to back this up but I heard no less than four stories about this happening in the last few years.
What is up with that?!
I guess it kind of makes sense. Senior year and the high school experience is ending. Students who have been holding back information for fear of being ridiculed are finally realizing they can be the person they want to be -- on the cusp of leaving the small town judgement zone, they are finally mustering up the courage to "step out into the light." I have to say, as funky as the prom platform sounds for conveying this personal information, I applaud them for their personal courage and I wish them well.
What is up with that?!
I guess it kind of makes sense. Senior year and the high school experience is ending. Students who have been holding back information for fear of being ridiculed are finally realizing they can be the person they want to be -- on the cusp of leaving the small town judgement zone, they are finally mustering up the courage to "step out into the light." I have to say, as funky as the prom platform sounds for conveying this personal information, I applaud them for their personal courage and I wish them well.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
My Fifth Grader Has a Girlfriend??!
May 22 -- On Friday, I let Riley take a day off from school. We were getting the new chicken coop and he is an unbelievable force when it comes to working in the yard. He also (according to my husband) has amazing talent in the engineering facets of life -- particularly when it comes to the chicken coop stuff. So he stayed home to be a worker bee.
At one point, he and I were alone in the van and for some reason, I had this completely spontaneous urge to ask him, "hey Riley, who are the pretty girls in your grade?" He smiled, blushed and basically didn't answer me. I pressed him. Finally, he gave me a few names. He was so awkward about telling me, I didn't think anything more about it. Until today.
Tonight, just before dinner, Tessa came up behind him, put her hands over his ears and then mouthed dramatically, "Riley has a girlfriend." Ughhhh. I turned to him in shock. Seriously??!! With all of Luke's drama this past week, I am so sick of this girlfriend/boyfriend stuff. And now my 10 year old is joining the madness??! He looked at me and put on his professor face. "No," he said seriously. "She is not my girlfriend. We just like each other, that's all. I told her that if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, we might break up and then we wouldn't talk to each other anymore." He paused for a second and I asked him what she thought about his idea. "Oh," he said, "she agreed with me. So that's what we are doing."
I am not sure what that makes them exactly but I decided I wouldn't ask. I liked the plan and told him so. Like I said, he is quite the engineer. Even in romance :)
At one point, he and I were alone in the van and for some reason, I had this completely spontaneous urge to ask him, "hey Riley, who are the pretty girls in your grade?" He smiled, blushed and basically didn't answer me. I pressed him. Finally, he gave me a few names. He was so awkward about telling me, I didn't think anything more about it. Until today.
Tonight, just before dinner, Tessa came up behind him, put her hands over his ears and then mouthed dramatically, "Riley has a girlfriend." Ughhhh. I turned to him in shock. Seriously??!! With all of Luke's drama this past week, I am so sick of this girlfriend/boyfriend stuff. And now my 10 year old is joining the madness??! He looked at me and put on his professor face. "No," he said seriously. "She is not my girlfriend. We just like each other, that's all. I told her that if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, we might break up and then we wouldn't talk to each other anymore." He paused for a second and I asked him what she thought about his idea. "Oh," he said, "she agreed with me. So that's what we are doing."
I am not sure what that makes them exactly but I decided I wouldn't ask. I liked the plan and told him so. Like I said, he is quite the engineer. Even in romance :)
Saturday, May 21, 2011
So I Guess the World Isn't Ending Today
May 21 -- I first heard about the world ending earlier this week. Connor told me on I don't know, Tuesday or Wednesday night. I was having a pretty stressful week so I guess I didn't really pay too much attention to his comments except to think -- oh good, we won't have to worry about Luke's graduation party.
Later on in the week, I heard a lot more about it. One mother told me her fifth grade daughter got off of the bus in tears because she had heard the world was going to end on Saturday. Poor kid. I swear kids hear all the bad stuff about life on those stinkin' bus rides to and home from school.
So today, all day, the kids would invariably bring it up. "Really?" they would ask incredulously. "We have to clean the house because why?? Who cares? The world is gonna end anyway!" (I still insisted we clean -- what the heck, if some other species came into the world after we left, at least they would find a clean house.)
This might sound weird, but every time I really thought about it, I got this kind of peaceful feeling -- I kept thinking, who cares? I've been a good person. My kids are good people. We'll all go somewhere -- heaven, utopia, blackness -- together. And that's not a bad thing. No more anxiety. No more trying to fit 50 things into one day. No more sleepless nights wondering how the kids are going to turn out. Truly. It was kind of a nice thought. How strange is that?!! Something is seriously wrong if the thought of the world ending sounds appealing. But on the other hand, it is kind of rooted in yoga training. Live for the moment -- the now. Because it's all we are guaranteed to have. The more I try to focus on that concept the happier I am.
But at some point, (now that the world didn't end today after all) I guess I really have to get Luke's graduation party invitations done!!!!!
Later on in the week, I heard a lot more about it. One mother told me her fifth grade daughter got off of the bus in tears because she had heard the world was going to end on Saturday. Poor kid. I swear kids hear all the bad stuff about life on those stinkin' bus rides to and home from school.
So today, all day, the kids would invariably bring it up. "Really?" they would ask incredulously. "We have to clean the house because why?? Who cares? The world is gonna end anyway!" (I still insisted we clean -- what the heck, if some other species came into the world after we left, at least they would find a clean house.)
This might sound weird, but every time I really thought about it, I got this kind of peaceful feeling -- I kept thinking, who cares? I've been a good person. My kids are good people. We'll all go somewhere -- heaven, utopia, blackness -- together. And that's not a bad thing. No more anxiety. No more trying to fit 50 things into one day. No more sleepless nights wondering how the kids are going to turn out. Truly. It was kind of a nice thought. How strange is that?!! Something is seriously wrong if the thought of the world ending sounds appealing. But on the other hand, it is kind of rooted in yoga training. Live for the moment -- the now. Because it's all we are guaranteed to have. The more I try to focus on that concept the happier I am.
But at some point, (now that the world didn't end today after all) I guess I really have to get Luke's graduation party invitations done!!!!!
Friday, May 20, 2011
New Chicken Coop
May 20 -- In the midst of all the other craziness going on this week, we got our new shed today -- woo hoo -- which we are renovating to become a new and improved chicken coop. Brian and Luke and Riley got up really early to tear down the old one and sure enough, just as the shed people predicted, the installers arrived bright and early at 8am. Fortunately, the guys had just finished tearing down the old one.
Riley was so cute on the tractor -- pulling down the old shed. Actually, he was kind of fierce --- an amazing and tireless worker for a ten year old. He worked with Brian all day getting the linoleum down, putting up the roosting perches and laying down the hay so the girls are all comfy cozy in their new home tonight.
With all of the stuff going on with Luke right now, it's so awesome to be around someone whose enthusiasm for life is pure and innocent. The contrast with Mr. Senior who thinks our rules are far too strict is unbelievable. I do realize that Riley will reach that point of teenage disdain as well. But for now, I am going to enjoy his ten year old energy -- pure and simple.
Riley was so cute on the tractor -- pulling down the old shed. Actually, he was kind of fierce --- an amazing and tireless worker for a ten year old. He worked with Brian all day getting the linoleum down, putting up the roosting perches and laying down the hay so the girls are all comfy cozy in their new home tonight.
With all of the stuff going on with Luke right now, it's so awesome to be around someone whose enthusiasm for life is pure and innocent. The contrast with Mr. Senior who thinks our rules are far too strict is unbelievable. I do realize that Riley will reach that point of teenage disdain as well. But for now, I am going to enjoy his ten year old energy -- pure and simple.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Arnold Puts Acting Career on Hold
May 19 -- In the latest episode of Arnold and Maria Gone Bad, it appears that Arnold has announced that he is putting his acting career on hold for the time being. To which I ask, what career? Seriously, maybe he was starting to review lines for some movie yet to be filmed but I just have to marvel at the drama of this whole situation. It's almost surreal. If someone were to actually make it into a movie, it would probably be panned at the box office for being an "unbelievable plot." Intense, huge muscled actor from Austria meets and marries a woman from the family of the most famous political dynasty in America, then becomes Governor of California for God's sake, then decides to go back to acting except for whoops -- his career comes to a sharp halt when his wife finds out about his illegitimate child. Who is now 10 years old.
I can only think about the child. Who is the same age as Riley. Despite the bizarre and almost hilarious presentations of the daily updates, I can't get beyond the fact that there are children who are directly connected to the plot. And that is the saddest part of it all. They are not fictional, cartoon characters. They're kids who are going through challenging days just by virtue of being kids in today's world. And now they have all of this extra stuff to deal with. Stuff that is definitely not their fault or responsibility. With all the banter about the adults, with all the airing of private information, it's the kids who get hit the hardest. So sad.
I can only think about the child. Who is the same age as Riley. Despite the bizarre and almost hilarious presentations of the daily updates, I can't get beyond the fact that there are children who are directly connected to the plot. And that is the saddest part of it all. They are not fictional, cartoon characters. They're kids who are going through challenging days just by virtue of being kids in today's world. And now they have all of this extra stuff to deal with. Stuff that is definitely not their fault or responsibility. With all the banter about the adults, with all the airing of private information, it's the kids who get hit the hardest. So sad.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Honors Night
May 18 -- So we experienced our first Honors Night for a graduating senior where all the awards and scholarships are announced. Needless to say, it was a very, very, long night. I had to pee the entire time but bravely held it because I was afraid that if I got up I might miss something.
There is so much change going on right now I am out of my mind. I just feel like curling up in the fetal position and crying. Luke looks so old to me all of a sudden. And he got the Michael Rossi Scholarship which was perfect for him. Not a lot of money but honestly? The symbolism, the soulful connection with the teacher whose life and death so profoundly affected him -- it's priceless. I am so proud of Luke. I really am. And excited as well. Right now, he is making some fairly important decisions that will have a profound impact on him -- and I just pray to God that he makes those decisions out of a place of love.
There is so much change going on right now I am out of my mind. I just feel like curling up in the fetal position and crying. Luke looks so old to me all of a sudden. And he got the Michael Rossi Scholarship which was perfect for him. Not a lot of money but honestly? The symbolism, the soulful connection with the teacher whose life and death so profoundly affected him -- it's priceless. I am so proud of Luke. I really am. And excited as well. Right now, he is making some fairly important decisions that will have a profound impact on him -- and I just pray to God that he makes those decisions out of a place of love.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Arnold's Love Child
May 17 -- So this morning Brian brought me my coffee and the first thing he told me about was Arnold Schwarzenegger's (sp) child that he had with a woman who worked for him at his home. House staff. Hmmmmm. First, I can't even imagine someone in my house working...who is getting paid. Fascinating. Second, I officially decided I don't like the expression "love child." It is so mean. Seriously. The guy has four kids with Maria Shriver. But he only "loves" the one he had with the maid or phone answerer or cook or cleaner or whatever it is that someone who is called "house staff" actually does.
I don't know. The whole thing is bizarre. I have to say, as I looked out the window and took my first sip of coffee, I was miles away from caring about Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger. What is it about people airing their personal dramas for all the world to see? hahahaha.
I don't know. The whole thing is bizarre. I have to say, as I looked out the window and took my first sip of coffee, I was miles away from caring about Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger. What is it about people airing their personal dramas for all the world to see? hahahaha.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Please Tell Me the Answer!!
May 16 -- I had this toy when I was growing up -- a Magic 8 Ball. I totally loved that toy. Actually, I never really thought of it as a toy. I saw it more as an oracle, a diviner of truth. I worshipped it for all of it's helpful insights into my many childhood moments of confusion and indecision. Actually, it wasn't my Magic 8 Ball. One of my older siblings had received it as a gift and by the time I got my grubby little hands on it, it had already broken. My father, genius of all repairs of broken items (so as not to waste money purchasing a new, identical item) somehow drained the black fluid from the broken 8 Ball and poured it into a glass jar, along with the plastic, eight sided piece with all of the dramatic, life altering answers..."the answer is NO"... "It is certain"... and my all time favorite, "ask again later."
I spent an awful lot of time (more than I will actually admit) shaking and flipping that jar. My dad secured the metal lid on so tightly, I swear it was indestructible. I wonder where my mother put it because there is no way she threw that away. My kids ended up with an 8 Ball when they were young. But it's not the same. It doesn't have the same powers as the magical glass jar from my youth. That sucker was awesome. When I consider how many boys I realized weren't a good match well before I made a fool of myself going after them...I am forever indebted to "the magic 8 jar."
I kind of wish I could find it now. There are so many things I would like to ask it. Will Luke do well in college? In life? Will Tessa have a messy house? And most important -- the constant questions swirling in my head right now about my professional future...should I keep trying for a teaching position? Or should I turn my marketing efforts toward my husband's new company? What is better for the family? For my husband? For me?
Right now I am so overwhelmed. I land on various scenarios faster than a hummingbird darting from flower to flower in a garden filled with bee balm. (A hummingbird favorite.) There is nobody with a divine telegram giving me a certain direction. There are no certain, clarifying answers. I know, I know. "Ask again later."
I spent an awful lot of time (more than I will actually admit) shaking and flipping that jar. My dad secured the metal lid on so tightly, I swear it was indestructible. I wonder where my mother put it because there is no way she threw that away. My kids ended up with an 8 Ball when they were young. But it's not the same. It doesn't have the same powers as the magical glass jar from my youth. That sucker was awesome. When I consider how many boys I realized weren't a good match well before I made a fool of myself going after them...I am forever indebted to "the magic 8 jar."
I kind of wish I could find it now. There are so many things I would like to ask it. Will Luke do well in college? In life? Will Tessa have a messy house? And most important -- the constant questions swirling in my head right now about my professional future...should I keep trying for a teaching position? Or should I turn my marketing efforts toward my husband's new company? What is better for the family? For my husband? For me?
Right now I am so overwhelmed. I land on various scenarios faster than a hummingbird darting from flower to flower in a garden filled with bee balm. (A hummingbird favorite.) There is nobody with a divine telegram giving me a certain direction. There are no certain, clarifying answers. I know, I know. "Ask again later."
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Ticks Suck, haha
May 15 -- Prom weekend is over, thank God. First Luke was going to skip school tomorrow and go to the beach, then changed his mind, then considered it again but after considering that he missed school last Friday, is missing school this Friday and on Monday and Tuesday of next week, he re-considered and decided to go in, late. But then got invited to a birthday lunch (which I think is a great idea!) and so now he is going in on time and leaving early. Fine by me. With the lousy weather, it's horrible camping anyway so why bother?
Speaking of camping, as my exhausted son went to bed, he discovered a tick on his chest. Which I removed like I have removed so many before. Except this one left its stinger or head (I have no clue) in his skin. And we can't get it out. I am so annoyed and yes, a little worried. I hate these ticks. And now I have to call the doctor. The door closes to one anxiety and opens the window to another. Stinking ticks. That's why I prefer camping in hotel rooms. Although even there, the issue of nasty sucking critters is also a concern -- apparently bed bugs are on the rampage. Ughhh. No rest for the weary.
Speaking of camping, as my exhausted son went to bed, he discovered a tick on his chest. Which I removed like I have removed so many before. Except this one left its stinger or head (I have no clue) in his skin. And we can't get it out. I am so annoyed and yes, a little worried. I hate these ticks. And now I have to call the doctor. The door closes to one anxiety and opens the window to another. Stinking ticks. That's why I prefer camping in hotel rooms. Although even there, the issue of nasty sucking critters is also a concern -- apparently bed bugs are on the rampage. Ughhh. No rest for the weary.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Prom Night Party Hosting...
May 14 -- Before the prom, we told Luke that instead of driving to the beach after the prom, we would let him have some friends sleep over. So they set up the tents and gathered the wood for the bonfire. Unfortunately, as they left the dance, it started raining. So they went back to the plan of going out bowling in their gowns and tuxes. Which is all very nice except for two things --
1. Now we have to stay up even longer waiting for them to come back
2. They are driving, in the rain, at a time of night when honestly? Nearly everyone on the road has probably had something to drink.
I thought we nixed this idea. I 'm kind of pissed it came back.
So now I sit here, anxious and tired. The sad thing is, Luke hates to bowl. This is total peer pressure. Bizarre. I was worried about the kids drinking. Not bowling.
1. Now we have to stay up even longer waiting for them to come back
2. They are driving, in the rain, at a time of night when honestly? Nearly everyone on the road has probably had something to drink.
I thought we nixed this idea. I 'm kind of pissed it came back.
So now I sit here, anxious and tired. The sad thing is, Luke hates to bowl. This is total peer pressure. Bizarre. I was worried about the kids drinking. Not bowling.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Tired...of being the Mom
May 13 -- It's my mom's birthday today; she is 83 years old. That's like, a ton older than me, haha. So last night my sister and I took her out. We went for pedicures and then went out for a glass of much needed wine and some nachos. (which my mother never had before and totally loved.) Brian and the kids had my dad over for dinner so it was just the girls and no worrying about the guys.
We had fun. It was really nice for my mother to have a couple of hours where she didn't have to worry about my father. She is so tired. What cracks me up though (I have to laugh because if I didn't laugh, I would (really) cry) is how she like, still zings me all the time. When she came over to drop off my dad, I showed her my new couch and stuff. She was telling my sister about it, "ohhhhh," she says, rolling her eyes in my direction, "she knows how to take care of herself alright...she's living the life of Riley!" My sister was like, "that's why she has a son named Riley!" But I took a breath before answering. I don't know why my mother "teases" me like that but I don't really like it. I DO spoil myself sometimes but the word "sometimes" is key here. I work hard too.
So I looked at my mom for a second. And I thought about how I had this huge deadline for work and a very busy weekend with Luke's prom and camp-out thing and my niece's confirmation the next day. And I thought about how I took time off from work to pick up my mom and dad. And how I gave up more time to work on the newsletter deadline so that I could take my mother out for a pedicure. And I thought about how I would be spending the next day and night, working to make up for what I missed on Thursday. And I just shook my head because it would do no good to point that out to her. So I just leaned over and said, "yes, I do know how to take care of myself. Aren't you proud of me?!"
After all, isn't that what we teach our children? Brush your teeth, make your bed, fold the laundry, learn to cook. Learn the skills you need to take care of yourself someday.
Sometimes though I am so tired of always trying to do the right thing, say the right thing. Sometimes I want to be the kid who has the mom taking care of her. Just for a little while anyway.
We had fun. It was really nice for my mother to have a couple of hours where she didn't have to worry about my father. She is so tired. What cracks me up though (I have to laugh because if I didn't laugh, I would (really) cry) is how she like, still zings me all the time. When she came over to drop off my dad, I showed her my new couch and stuff. She was telling my sister about it, "ohhhhh," she says, rolling her eyes in my direction, "she knows how to take care of herself alright...she's living the life of Riley!" My sister was like, "that's why she has a son named Riley!" But I took a breath before answering. I don't know why my mother "teases" me like that but I don't really like it. I DO spoil myself sometimes but the word "sometimes" is key here. I work hard too.
So I looked at my mom for a second. And I thought about how I had this huge deadline for work and a very busy weekend with Luke's prom and camp-out thing and my niece's confirmation the next day. And I thought about how I took time off from work to pick up my mom and dad. And how I gave up more time to work on the newsletter deadline so that I could take my mother out for a pedicure. And I thought about how I would be spending the next day and night, working to make up for what I missed on Thursday. And I just shook my head because it would do no good to point that out to her. So I just leaned over and said, "yes, I do know how to take care of myself. Aren't you proud of me?!"
After all, isn't that what we teach our children? Brush your teeth, make your bed, fold the laundry, learn to cook. Learn the skills you need to take care of yourself someday.
Sometimes though I am so tired of always trying to do the right thing, say the right thing. Sometimes I want to be the kid who has the mom taking care of her. Just for a little while anyway.
Blogger is Unavailable...
May 12 – So I went on line to do my daily entry and when I clicked on the site, it came up with a nearly blank screen saying only “Blogger is unavailable!” I’ve been doing this since January 1st and this is the first time I have seen that message. It’s so weird though, I was worried for a moment because I have written this blog for every single day in 2011 and I didn’t want to give up my “roll.”
So I decided to just write something in “word” and then transfer it over tomorrow morning when, hopefully, blogger is "available again". Funny how computer language almost personifies a site. Like I can almost picture “blogger”. Blogger is a guy. With round black glasses – thick frames, thick lenses. Receding hair line, black hair. A small pencil mustache. Kind of hunched shoulders and short sleeve dress shirt. In yellow. I think he is nice but he is earnest. Right now, with “blogger” down…he is freaking out. There are half moon sweat stains underneath his shirt.
I hope he is married. Or is happy outside of his job maintaining “blogger.” Geez. I’ve got this guy so well imagined right now, if he were single, I think I could find him a date!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Preparing for Prom with a Son
May 11 -- Getting Luke ready for prom this weekend is like pulling teeth. I am sure there is a lesson in there somewhere for his controlling, order-loving mom but right now, three days before the event, I just long for a little feminine organization on his part.
Me: So...who is going to be here for the camp-out after the prom?
Luke: ummmm...uhhhhh...I don't know. I'll find out though!
(Oh good. But I won't hold my breath okay?!)
Me: So who is going with you in your car? Is Kevin and his date going with you?
Luke: Nah. I'm sure Kevin will have that all organized. He'll take care of getting his date and getting her to prom.
Me: Really? Because that would be illegal.
Luke: Huh?!
Me: Ummm, helloo? He can't drive anyone in his car yet? Remember, like, the law?!!
Luke: Oh yeah.
And so it goes. About groceries (for the beach.) And picking up the tux. And the flowers. And who is going to the beach? And what is the deal for senior skip day? I get nothing. Nothing concrete that is.
All I can say is I need some order. I am a walking stomach ache of tension right now and when I am stressed I like things to be clean and all in a row. Not happenin' here. Yes, I get the idea of a life lesson in the works. But quite frankly? I'm just not in the mood.
Me: So...who is going to be here for the camp-out after the prom?
Luke: ummmm...uhhhhh...I don't know. I'll find out though!
(Oh good. But I won't hold my breath okay?!)
Me: So who is going with you in your car? Is Kevin and his date going with you?
Luke: Nah. I'm sure Kevin will have that all organized. He'll take care of getting his date and getting her to prom.
Me: Really? Because that would be illegal.
Luke: Huh?!
Me: Ummm, helloo? He can't drive anyone in his car yet? Remember, like, the law?!!
Luke: Oh yeah.
And so it goes. About groceries (for the beach.) And picking up the tux. And the flowers. And who is going to the beach? And what is the deal for senior skip day? I get nothing. Nothing concrete that is.
All I can say is I need some order. I am a walking stomach ache of tension right now and when I am stressed I like things to be clean and all in a row. Not happenin' here. Yes, I get the idea of a life lesson in the works. But quite frankly? I'm just not in the mood.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Cindy Hurts Her Knee. Again.
May 10 -- Today I went for a walk down by the river with Lori. On Mother's Day, she hurt her back throwing mulch around her yard (okay, that sounds messy; she was putting it in the flower beds.) When she called to say she couldn't spin today I suggested I walk with her. I love walking and besides, I needed to talk -- I was having one of my "I am so overwhelmed by life" crying moments which had basically passed by the time I went for the walk but I was looking forward to conversation instead of the huffing and puffing we usually do during a spinning class.
Anyway...on the way to the path, I called Cindy, one of my Fab 5 childhood group buddies. Cindy is the best. She really is. Whenever I need to figure out some life issue, she has all this wisdom to offer. (Mostly stuff she gets from books like The Secret and The Joy is in the Journey.) More important than her wisdom, what I love the most about Cindy is that she is tough as nails with a sense of humor that never fails to make me smile or laugh out loud. And she has a heart as big as Kansas. So for some reason, this morning I kept thinking about her. Not cuz I was having a pity-me moment, but because I just wanted to laugh. So I called her and sure enough, she answers the phone,"omigod!!" she yells. "Someone who knows about my knee!!" I scrunched up my forehead when she said this, dreading her next comment. See, when Cin was a young high school babe, she totaled her knee. I mean totally totaled it. And then, the doctor who was supposed to fix it? He totaled it even more. Her mom was sick with a terminal illness, she was like, in pain forever and the drinking age was 18. Need I say more?!!
So the next thing out of me dear friend's mouth is, "I hurt my knee again and I hate this f'ing Secret sh*t!! I did NOT attract this!!!!" I cracked up. How could I not? Here is my buddy -- aged 47 -- riding a ripstick into a tree at a Mother's Day bonfire. What the heck??? She adds, "at least I was doing something exciting when I got hurt." Hmmmmm. I guess there is some logic there but... for her sake, I do hope it's not the ligaments again.
I was thinking about her just now because I was googling "lower back pain on road bikes" -- an ailment I noticed flaring up when Brian and I went riding on Sunday. This getting older stuff sucks. It really does. But I guess I should be grateful that I am in really good company :) The joy is in the journey right? ha.
Anyway...on the way to the path, I called Cindy, one of my Fab 5 childhood group buddies. Cindy is the best. She really is. Whenever I need to figure out some life issue, she has all this wisdom to offer. (Mostly stuff she gets from books like The Secret and The Joy is in the Journey.) More important than her wisdom, what I love the most about Cindy is that she is tough as nails with a sense of humor that never fails to make me smile or laugh out loud. And she has a heart as big as Kansas. So for some reason, this morning I kept thinking about her. Not cuz I was having a pity-me moment, but because I just wanted to laugh. So I called her and sure enough, she answers the phone,"omigod!!" she yells. "Someone who knows about my knee!!" I scrunched up my forehead when she said this, dreading her next comment. See, when Cin was a young high school babe, she totaled her knee. I mean totally totaled it. And then, the doctor who was supposed to fix it? He totaled it even more. Her mom was sick with a terminal illness, she was like, in pain forever and the drinking age was 18. Need I say more?!!
So the next thing out of me dear friend's mouth is, "I hurt my knee again and I hate this f'ing Secret sh*t!! I did NOT attract this!!!!" I cracked up. How could I not? Here is my buddy -- aged 47 -- riding a ripstick into a tree at a Mother's Day bonfire. What the heck??? She adds, "at least I was doing something exciting when I got hurt." Hmmmmm. I guess there is some logic there but... for her sake, I do hope it's not the ligaments again.
I was thinking about her just now because I was googling "lower back pain on road bikes" -- an ailment I noticed flaring up when Brian and I went riding on Sunday. This getting older stuff sucks. It really does. But I guess I should be grateful that I am in really good company :) The joy is in the journey right? ha.
Monday, May 9, 2011
What I Want to Be When I Grow Up
May 9 -- Seeing as I am kind of ummm, grown up, it might seem like a ridiculous question to ask myself what I want to be when I grow up. And yet, I seem to ask myself that all the time. The frustrating thing is I still can't come up with an answer.
My mother, back on some particular day when she was in a good mood and was dispensing compliments, once told me that I had a problem -- I was good at too many things. Now I know I am the only one of her five children whom she has told that to so part of me was a little happy to hear that kind of career assessment from my mother. But there was a harsh truth in her words and honestly, that truth was kind of hard to absorb. Because I understood what she meant -- it was like a bitter-sweet compliment. And I knew that my interest and skill in a variety of areas made my life kind of difficult. Interesting, but difficult. On any given day, there are a variety of paths I could take to get back into the working world. Communications, interior decorating, teaching, painting, working as Brian's assistant with his new company he is launching. There are pros and cons to each path. At the moment, my favorite path is teaching. I am good at it, I love kids, I am passionate about reading and writing. I have interviews. I do well on them. Seriously. I seem to have great answers and everyone seems happy. But then they don't call. Or I get the rejection letter. And I am back to square one once again. Processing the rejection and telling myself all those "feel good" comments like, "it just wasn't meant to be." or, "There is a better job down the road." Or my personal favorite, "it's their loss." hmmmmm.
I know this sounds lame but I just wish someone would send me a letter of some sort and tell me what to do. I just worry about money. Yup. There it is. The million dollar (ha) insight. But how can I not worry about it? I was raised by a man who was FREAKED that he would lose his house. Saved every cent. Taught us kids how to look for the cans in the back of the shelf at the grocery store to see if it had an old price tag on it. Totally fear based.
But I have to remember that the fear of losing money etc is my dad's fear, not mine. And in the meantime, trust life and all that it is sending my way. I will get a job. I just want it to be perfect -- the perfect answer, the perfect fit for my complex personality. Something that helps the family, particularly with insurance and paying the bills. And something that challenges my mind. That's important. Now I have to get back to figuring out what it is...
My mother, back on some particular day when she was in a good mood and was dispensing compliments, once told me that I had a problem -- I was good at too many things. Now I know I am the only one of her five children whom she has told that to so part of me was a little happy to hear that kind of career assessment from my mother. But there was a harsh truth in her words and honestly, that truth was kind of hard to absorb. Because I understood what she meant -- it was like a bitter-sweet compliment. And I knew that my interest and skill in a variety of areas made my life kind of difficult. Interesting, but difficult. On any given day, there are a variety of paths I could take to get back into the working world. Communications, interior decorating, teaching, painting, working as Brian's assistant with his new company he is launching. There are pros and cons to each path. At the moment, my favorite path is teaching. I am good at it, I love kids, I am passionate about reading and writing. I have interviews. I do well on them. Seriously. I seem to have great answers and everyone seems happy. But then they don't call. Or I get the rejection letter. And I am back to square one once again. Processing the rejection and telling myself all those "feel good" comments like, "it just wasn't meant to be." or, "There is a better job down the road." Or my personal favorite, "it's their loss." hmmmmm.
I know this sounds lame but I just wish someone would send me a letter of some sort and tell me what to do. I just worry about money. Yup. There it is. The million dollar (ha) insight. But how can I not worry about it? I was raised by a man who was FREAKED that he would lose his house. Saved every cent. Taught us kids how to look for the cans in the back of the shelf at the grocery store to see if it had an old price tag on it. Totally fear based.
But I have to remember that the fear of losing money etc is my dad's fear, not mine. And in the meantime, trust life and all that it is sending my way. I will get a job. I just want it to be perfect -- the perfect answer, the perfect fit for my complex personality. Something that helps the family, particularly with insurance and paying the bills. And something that challenges my mind. That's important. Now I have to get back to figuring out what it is...
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mothers Day
May 8 -- I had a really nice day today, all things considered. Every year I hold my breath on Mothers Day because I always feel like the hype raises my expectations too high. The day always starts with sweetness and appreciation and little comments like, "oh, you can't do the dishes, it's Mothers Day!" And then, within, say, a couple of hours, suddenly it's just a regular day and everyone is fighting and I am in the bathroom, disinfecting the toilet and wiping down the counters.
But today, the kids were pretty good. They got me a Kindle which I am totally psyched about . (but I will still buy hard covers of classic books...) Actually, Brian bought the Kindle. Luke got me a Whitman Sampler with a really nice note he wrote on the wrapping paper. It was actually kind of nice because for the first time ever, he showed um, a genuine personal reflection and a mature appreciation for my efforts on his behalf. (Like with the college stuff this past year!)
And Brian and I went on a 20 mile bike ride with our new bikes. I loved it. Except for the fact that my lower back hurt...I think I pulled a muscle when I started the ride...I was so scared on the hills cuz I was flying down them!! I was so stiff, the bike started to wobble. But I am going to save that analysis (my fear of the fast part) for a later day.
I think about Brianna every Mother's Day. (And most other days too but more intensely on Mothers Day.) I wonder. Does she know I am her mother? I feel like she is with me, I really do. But I still have moments when I have doubts. It's the whole doubt/faith thing and really, I don't think I will ever know the answer for certain. I guess that just has to be okay. And it is.
But today, the kids were pretty good. They got me a Kindle which I am totally psyched about . (but I will still buy hard covers of classic books...) Actually, Brian bought the Kindle. Luke got me a Whitman Sampler with a really nice note he wrote on the wrapping paper. It was actually kind of nice because for the first time ever, he showed um, a genuine personal reflection and a mature appreciation for my efforts on his behalf. (Like with the college stuff this past year!)
And Brian and I went on a 20 mile bike ride with our new bikes. I loved it. Except for the fact that my lower back hurt...I think I pulled a muscle when I started the ride...I was so scared on the hills cuz I was flying down them!! I was so stiff, the bike started to wobble. But I am going to save that analysis (my fear of the fast part) for a later day.
I think about Brianna every Mother's Day. (And most other days too but more intensely on Mothers Day.) I wonder. Does she know I am her mother? I feel like she is with me, I really do. But I still have moments when I have doubts. It's the whole doubt/faith thing and really, I don't think I will ever know the answer for certain. I guess that just has to be okay. And it is.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
good friends
May 7 -- I just sneezed three times before I started writing this entry. Upstairs, Brian laughed at me because when I sneeze, i always sneeze in threes and sometimes it's really embarrassing. Tonight, we went out with some friends after the last big band bash and had a really nice time. But when I drink red wine, I start to sneeze. It's weird but it is what it is.
I asked Brian what I should write about tonight and he said I should write about how lucky we are to have good friends. I am fairly certain I have written about that before but it's a great topic and yes, one that I am very grateful for. The couple we were out with tonight has a wonderful outlook on life. They are kind and caring and are extremely devoted to their kids. Which isn't always an easy thing to do. So we find inspiration in their steadfast commitment to parenting their children despite any challenging parenting issues that might come up. That's one of life's gifts. To know that despite all of life's craziness, when it comes to our kids, we should always have hope.
I asked Brian what I should write about tonight and he said I should write about how lucky we are to have good friends. I am fairly certain I have written about that before but it's a great topic and yes, one that I am very grateful for. The couple we were out with tonight has a wonderful outlook on life. They are kind and caring and are extremely devoted to their kids. Which isn't always an easy thing to do. So we find inspiration in their steadfast commitment to parenting their children despite any challenging parenting issues that might come up. That's one of life's gifts. To know that despite all of life's craziness, when it comes to our kids, we should always have hope.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Big Band Bash
May 6 -- Tonight was the second night of the annual three night Big Band Bash -- a weekend of evenings spent listening to the bands of all the schools play, a night filled with great music but lots of physical pain as parents and other family members sit huddled together, knees drawn up so as not to land on the back of the person in front, shifting uncomfortably on the hard, wooden risers in the gym. Needless to say, while the music is wonderful and the kids are adorable, it's not something I necessarily look forward to.
Unfortunately (or fortunately depending upon how you look at it) this is our 9th year attending the concerts. And with Riley in 5th with an avid interest in the trombone, it looks like we will have plenty more ahead of us. But it was Luke's last one. So when I watched him sitting there with his tux and trumpet, I was torn with emotions. Proud of how well he did with his trumpet solo and the awesome trio he performed. Proud of how handsome he looked. Shocked at how OLD he looked! How mature. I was just looking at his graduation photo today. It was taken only 10 months ago but he looks so much older. Such a cutie. And yeah, I cried. I swear it was just yesterday that he was in 4th grade playing the trumpet with his musical nemesis (who is very talented!) Mike R. Yuck -- I feel so old!
But it is exciting to see them grow. I have to remember that as graduation comes closer and closer and I work on untying the apron strings. I don't know. I think some of the knots are pretty hard to get undone...
Unfortunately (or fortunately depending upon how you look at it) this is our 9th year attending the concerts. And with Riley in 5th with an avid interest in the trombone, it looks like we will have plenty more ahead of us. But it was Luke's last one. So when I watched him sitting there with his tux and trumpet, I was torn with emotions. Proud of how well he did with his trumpet solo and the awesome trio he performed. Proud of how handsome he looked. Shocked at how OLD he looked! How mature. I was just looking at his graduation photo today. It was taken only 10 months ago but he looks so much older. Such a cutie. And yeah, I cried. I swear it was just yesterday that he was in 4th grade playing the trumpet with his musical nemesis (who is very talented!) Mike R. Yuck -- I feel so old!
But it is exciting to see them grow. I have to remember that as graduation comes closer and closer and I work on untying the apron strings. I don't know. I think some of the knots are pretty hard to get undone...
Thursday, May 5, 2011
This is so Hard to Do!!
May 5 -- Cinco de Mayo. I have been writing this blog since January 1st. That's a lot of entries. Actually, I have lasted a lot longer than I thought I would. Whenever I sit down to write, I truly have no idea what I am going to write. I hit the button for "new post" and there in front of me is the new blank screen for me to fill up. Sometimes (mostly) an idea hits me fairly quickly. Other times I balk. And every once in awhile, I can't think of anything at all. Like tonight.
I truly have so much going on -- kid graduating, other kids with tons of activities of their own, interviewing for a job that i know I would be awesome at but competing against many other candidates who could probably do a great job as well...yeah, I have a lot of anxious situations going on right now. But I don't feel like opening them up for inspection at the moment.
A student in my communications class was having fun at her track meet today. Suddenly she got a text or call telling her that her dad had just had a heart attack. Apparently, he was at her brother's baseball game when it happened. When I heard the news, I thought of two things. One was how young he was. From what I understand, he is the same age as Brian. The next thing I thought about was how, when we started the class, we talked about how she sees herself as the classic "middle child" or "invisible" one. (not sure if she has an older sibling.) Apparently, her brother, the baseball player, is the star of the family. I don't know much more than that. Maybe she is like my own daughter and many other girls her age and she is simply being over-dramatic. Or maybe it's true. Maybe her parents really do dote on her brother, the baseball boy. Either way, the second thing I thought about was how she was at that track meet. And her father was with her brother. I wondered, if he had died, would she resent that he wasn't with her? Wasn't watching her?
Fortunately, from what I understand, he is going to be okay. I am glad. I think about my kids, how we try to be there for everyone. I hope none of my kids ever feel that I or Brian focus more on one than the others. I don't think they will. But it's hard. It's really, really hard. Just like writing this blog is hard. Although, as happens often with writing, once I started to get going, it definitely got a lot easier. One word at a time. Same with parenting. One day at a time.
I truly have so much going on -- kid graduating, other kids with tons of activities of their own, interviewing for a job that i know I would be awesome at but competing against many other candidates who could probably do a great job as well...yeah, I have a lot of anxious situations going on right now. But I don't feel like opening them up for inspection at the moment.
A student in my communications class was having fun at her track meet today. Suddenly she got a text or call telling her that her dad had just had a heart attack. Apparently, he was at her brother's baseball game when it happened. When I heard the news, I thought of two things. One was how young he was. From what I understand, he is the same age as Brian. The next thing I thought about was how, when we started the class, we talked about how she sees herself as the classic "middle child" or "invisible" one. (not sure if she has an older sibling.) Apparently, her brother, the baseball player, is the star of the family. I don't know much more than that. Maybe she is like my own daughter and many other girls her age and she is simply being over-dramatic. Or maybe it's true. Maybe her parents really do dote on her brother, the baseball boy. Either way, the second thing I thought about was how she was at that track meet. And her father was with her brother. I wondered, if he had died, would she resent that he wasn't with her? Wasn't watching her?
Fortunately, from what I understand, he is going to be okay. I am glad. I think about my kids, how we try to be there for everyone. I hope none of my kids ever feel that I or Brian focus more on one than the others. I don't think they will. But it's hard. It's really, really hard. Just like writing this blog is hard. Although, as happens often with writing, once I started to get going, it definitely got a lot easier. One word at a time. Same with parenting. One day at a time.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Obama vs. Osama -- It's just plain weird
May 4 -- Tonight at dinner we were talking about the Osama bin Laden farce. haha. Not really. I don't think it's a farce and neither do the kids. But they believe a lot more of what the media is spinning than I do. So I was busting them a little about it. All in all, it was an interesting conversation.
But as I was talking, I realized that I kept saying "Obama" instead of "Osama." Okay, I know I am stating the obvious here but it is so remarkably WEIRD how close those two names are. I don't believe in coincidence and it's not like the names are common ones like Jeff or Mark. There seems to be some sort of ummmmm, logic or design behind why these two powerful men (for different reasons but powerful nonetheless) share such similar names. But truly, beyond the strangeness of the similarity of their very unique names, I guess there isn't much there to support a conspiracy theory.
Or maybe there is. Because really? It is weird.
But as I was talking, I realized that I kept saying "Obama" instead of "Osama." Okay, I know I am stating the obvious here but it is so remarkably WEIRD how close those two names are. I don't believe in coincidence and it's not like the names are common ones like Jeff or Mark. There seems to be some sort of ummmmm, logic or design behind why these two powerful men (for different reasons but powerful nonetheless) share such similar names. But truly, beyond the strangeness of the similarity of their very unique names, I guess there isn't much there to support a conspiracy theory.
Or maybe there is. Because really? It is weird.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Bone Tired
May 4th -- I just typed "May" then deleted it and typed, "April." Then thought about it for a second and realized, no, it is definitely May. Jesus. It can't be!
Tonight, everyone went to bed early. We are all exhausted. With all the sports games and work and school obligations, we are moving non-stop. I am so tired, I can barely type. Never mind the fact that I don't even know what month it is.
Time for rest. (I actually typed " thyme for rest" and then caught the typo. Unbelievable.)
Tonight, everyone went to bed early. We are all exhausted. With all the sports games and work and school obligations, we are moving non-stop. I am so tired, I can barely type. Never mind the fact that I don't even know what month it is.
Time for rest. (I actually typed " thyme for rest" and then caught the typo. Unbelievable.)
Monday, May 2, 2011
Osama Bin Laden is Dead? Yeah. So is Elvis.
May 2 -- With no disrespect to the Navy SEALs who finally caught Osama Bin Laden after um, 10 years of searching for him, (seriously, 10 years? And everyone is like, woo hoo, go Navy SEALS! Helloooo, it took us 10 years to find him. Think about that...) Anyway, as I was saying, I really don't mean any disrespect for these brave soldiers who finally took the evil man down (and yeah, it just occurred to me that some of those guys might have been just hitting puberty when the Twin Towers went down so it's not really their fault it took 10 years to get him; they still had junior high, high school and college to get through) but...I can't help but wonder, is he really dead?
I mean, I am an avid "24" fan. So I am no dummy. I have many doubts and subsequent questions. For example, did they really throw his body into the sea? Really? In today's world of espionage and subterfuge and centrifugal force (which makes no sense in the listing but I thought I would throw it in there for effect) I am somewhat skeptical that the guy is really dead. Sounds more like an election ploy on Obama's part. It just seems so, unbelievable. They kill the guy and what, have a conversation? "Dude, we gotta get rid of the body." "I'm not gonna take it. You take it." "Me?! I'm not taking it! Where am I going to put it?" "The sea! Let's just throw it there!" For all intents and purposes, Bin Laden was famous. Famous for being evil but famous nonetheless. And, like the guy in Silence of the Lambs, despite his horrible personality, he got respect. So they just like, chucked him into the sea like some kind of bio-degradeable piece of fruit?! What happens if he comes back before the fish get to him? What if some kid's spending a nice warm day making sandcastles miles away and suddenly Bin Laden's body comes ashore? Really? That's how we end 10 years of looking for the guy?!!
I don't know. It all sounds suspicious and somewhat Hollywood to me. Where are Jack and Chloe when you need 'em? Somebody's got to uncover this conspiracy...
I mean, I am an avid "24" fan. So I am no dummy. I have many doubts and subsequent questions. For example, did they really throw his body into the sea? Really? In today's world of espionage and subterfuge and centrifugal force (which makes no sense in the listing but I thought I would throw it in there for effect) I am somewhat skeptical that the guy is really dead. Sounds more like an election ploy on Obama's part. It just seems so, unbelievable. They kill the guy and what, have a conversation? "Dude, we gotta get rid of the body." "I'm not gonna take it. You take it." "Me?! I'm not taking it! Where am I going to put it?" "The sea! Let's just throw it there!" For all intents and purposes, Bin Laden was famous. Famous for being evil but famous nonetheless. And, like the guy in Silence of the Lambs, despite his horrible personality, he got respect. So they just like, chucked him into the sea like some kind of bio-degradeable piece of fruit?! What happens if he comes back before the fish get to him? What if some kid's spending a nice warm day making sandcastles miles away and suddenly Bin Laden's body comes ashore? Really? That's how we end 10 years of looking for the guy?!!
I don't know. It all sounds suspicious and somewhat Hollywood to me. Where are Jack and Chloe when you need 'em? Somebody's got to uncover this conspiracy...
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Omg, Teenagers are SOOOOO Annoying
May 1st -- I have three boys and one girl. Three of them are teenagers. I love them dearly but sometimes they are so unbelievably annoying, so bizarre, it's amazing that I have not set up a continuous iv drip of wine. Seriously.
Tonight I took Connor, Tessa and Riley out to dinner. Apparently, the way I answered the hostess was "annoying" or "embarrassing" and Tessa made that vividly clear when she said, shaking her head in the mortal agony of a teen humiliated by her mother's behavior, "you are sooooo weird." I was like, "are you kidding me??!" The entire time we were at the restaurant, the kid could not go 20 seconds (I counted) without putting her hand in her hair to twist it, stroke it or straighten it and I am the one who is weird???!
Then when we are seated and I am starting a conversation, Connor leans over, his eyes wide with concern for the general welfare of the seven other people in the restaurant whom he has never seen before in his life and will never see again -- "mom, " he whispers in complete seriousness. "Too loud." He raises his bushy black eyebrows a couple of times to underscore the importance of what he is trying to tell me. I was like, "huh?!" He stares at me. Takes a quick secret glance over his shoulder at the trio sitting at a table a few yards away from us. Looks back at me. "You are too loud. Talking. Too. Loud." I burst out laughing. "Yes, Connor. That's what people do in restaurants. They talk. It's a long time native custom for like, everybody. In every country in the world, it's allowed and socially acceptable. Can you even imagine?!!" He just shakes his head in disgust with my inability to understand how bad I look talking to my kids in public. His face shows pity for me and my horrendous social behavior. I look at him in shock. Really?! Do you mean to tell me that when teenagers go out in public places with their friends they communicate only in heated whispers and exaggerated eye movements?! Ummmmm, no. Didn't think so.
I can't wait till they grow up and have kids. I am gonna laugh every day. Every single day.
Tonight I took Connor, Tessa and Riley out to dinner. Apparently, the way I answered the hostess was "annoying" or "embarrassing" and Tessa made that vividly clear when she said, shaking her head in the mortal agony of a teen humiliated by her mother's behavior, "you are sooooo weird." I was like, "are you kidding me??!" The entire time we were at the restaurant, the kid could not go 20 seconds (I counted) without putting her hand in her hair to twist it, stroke it or straighten it and I am the one who is weird???!
Then when we are seated and I am starting a conversation, Connor leans over, his eyes wide with concern for the general welfare of the seven other people in the restaurant whom he has never seen before in his life and will never see again -- "mom, " he whispers in complete seriousness. "Too loud." He raises his bushy black eyebrows a couple of times to underscore the importance of what he is trying to tell me. I was like, "huh?!" He stares at me. Takes a quick secret glance over his shoulder at the trio sitting at a table a few yards away from us. Looks back at me. "You are too loud. Talking. Too. Loud." I burst out laughing. "Yes, Connor. That's what people do in restaurants. They talk. It's a long time native custom for like, everybody. In every country in the world, it's allowed and socially acceptable. Can you even imagine?!!" He just shakes his head in disgust with my inability to understand how bad I look talking to my kids in public. His face shows pity for me and my horrendous social behavior. I look at him in shock. Really?! Do you mean to tell me that when teenagers go out in public places with their friends they communicate only in heated whispers and exaggerated eye movements?! Ummmmm, no. Didn't think so.
I can't wait till they grow up and have kids. I am gonna laugh every day. Every single day.
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