Confusion

May 31 --  Exactly one year ago today, I sent an application to the school system where I work as a pr person.  I was applying for one of two English positions open at the high school.  ALthough I interviewed well, I did not get a job.  I was devastated.

When I got feed back (basically that the new young kids coming out of college are totally more prepared to enter the classroom than an old babe like me who has been home eating bon bons for the last 15 years) I did what I had to do -- what I could do given the limitations set by my family to get a little more knowledge under my belt.

I have been interviewing all year.  And I never get called back for the job.  Am I loser?  Ha.  That remains to be seen.  But, like Charlie Brown and the football, I am gearing up to apply for an opening at the high school again.  Weirdly, I submitted it tonight -- a year to the DAY from when I submitted it last year.  Yeah.  So now I am confused.  I am.  There is a huge part of me that is asking myself -- what are you doing?  why do you want to teach again?  it's hard!  The kids are mean!  When will you have time to watch the sun filter in through the windows in the early quiet of the morning after the kids have all left for school?  the job I have now affords me so much flexibility to run the household and still do a professional job.  And yet, it doesn't afford me much more because, quite frankly, it doesn't pay too much either.  But it's a job nonetheless.  So why do I keep going back and filling out teaching applications?  I truly feel like one of those moths that gets attracted to the flame only to get burned in the fire.  I DON"T KNOW!!!!  It's like a part of me is being stubborn and saying, hey, this is a great way to get financially back on track.  And I knew how to do it once and I can do it again for God's sake.  Seriously.  When I think ughh, how do I figure out how to weigh the grades I get so pissed at myself!  It's not rocket science?  It's like I am totally psyching myself out.

Like G said today -- I am too old to be in it for a pension.  I can always leave if it is not a good fit.  And that's what I am basing my application effort on.  I want to see if I have what it takes.  If  I do -- awesome.  But if I don't -- I can change my path.  One thing is for sure.  I know I have the courage to do it  And that's a great thing.