May 1st -- I have three boys and one girl. Three of them are teenagers. I love them dearly but sometimes they are so unbelievably annoying, so bizarre, it's amazing that I have not set up a continuous iv drip of wine. Seriously.
Tonight I took Connor, Tessa and Riley out to dinner. Apparently, the way I answered the hostess was "annoying" or "embarrassing" and Tessa made that vividly clear when she said, shaking her head in the mortal agony of a teen humiliated by her mother's behavior, "you are sooooo weird." I was like, "are you kidding me??!" The entire time we were at the restaurant, the kid could not go 20 seconds (I counted) without putting her hand in her hair to twist it, stroke it or straighten it and I am the one who is weird???!
Then when we are seated and I am starting a conversation, Connor leans over, his eyes wide with concern for the general welfare of the seven other people in the restaurant whom he has never seen before in his life and will never see again -- "mom, " he whispers in complete seriousness. "Too loud." He raises his bushy black eyebrows a couple of times to underscore the importance of what he is trying to tell me. I was like, "huh?!" He stares at me. Takes a quick secret glance over his shoulder at the trio sitting at a table a few yards away from us. Looks back at me. "You are too loud. Talking. Too. Loud." I burst out laughing. "Yes, Connor. That's what people do in restaurants. They talk. It's a long time native custom for like, everybody. In every country in the world, it's allowed and socially acceptable. Can you even imagine?!!" He just shakes his head in disgust with my inability to understand how bad I look talking to my kids in public. His face shows pity for me and my horrendous social behavior. I look at him in shock. Really?! Do you mean to tell me that when teenagers go out in public places with their friends they communicate only in heated whispers and exaggerated eye movements?! Ummmmm, no. Didn't think so.
I can't wait till they grow up and have kids. I am gonna laugh every day. Every single day.
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