Hoss

June 7 --  I would just like to point out that today is my 166th entry.  Man. That's actually a lot of entries.  Seriously.  I am almost half way through the year.  I rock.  haha.

Here is the scary part.  Just now, when I was trying to figure out how close I was to the half way point, I couldn't remember how many days there were in a year.  I had to yell upstairs and my 15 year old yelled back the information.  I freak myself out - truly.  But here is what I think.  Old age and wisdom go hand in hand and,  because time goes by so friggin' fast, who really cares how many days there are in the year?! Seriously.  At this point, I know that I need to take each day one at a time.  What use is it to me to know how many days there are until it is June 7th again?  My mind, in it's infinite wisdom, discards information that is really unnecessary for ensuring my happiness on this planet.

But sometimes I forget things that, when remembered, are amazing gifts.  Like Cindy's high school nickname, Hoss.  For some reason, she ended a "Fab 5 " email tonight with her old nickname.  I burst out laughing.  Not only did I completely forget her nickname, I cannot remember at all how she got it!  But it was awesome nonetheless to go back to those days so long ago and visualize how we teased her with her nickname.

Connor asked me tonight not to yell.  He said it turns off his attention.  My response?  Fine.  Let him be the mother.  Let him sweat all the details.  Then I can relax.  I can go to bed early with a book instead of making sure that the laundry is folded, the dishes are washed, that Luke is inside and going to bed.  (As I write this at 10:30pm, he is outside by the fire pit with a lit citronella candle and his outdoor speakers blaring.)  Fine.  Let Connor be me.  See what happens to his memory!

The Postmistress

June 6 --  I am almost finished with this book called The Postmistress by Sarah Blake.  It's one of those books that you read and think, eh, not sure if I am digging this or not...and then you hit like page 176 and suddenly, out of nowhere, you are hooked.  Badly.

I love those kind of books.  Largely because it makes me happy that I kept reading instead of bagging it earlier on.  And also because I am always quietly cheering for the author to pull it off.  I have this soft side for writers, you know?

Anyway, this particular book is about World War 2 but it focuses on two things which are somewhat unusual -- it focuses on the time period before the United States got involved in the war and it concentrates primarily on women.  It's a perspective that is unusual in the realm of WWII fiction and non-fiction.  Having just completed the novel Unbroken about running legend and Japanese War Camp survivor Louis Zamperini, it's totally fascinating to read about the female angle.  What I like in particular is how it makes me consider what it must have been like being an American who knew what was going on in Europe with the Jews long before the United States joined the war and its people decided that what was happening to the Jews in Europe was a monstrosity instead of a convenience.  (Yes, amazingly, there was a strong anti-Jewish sentiment in the United States in the time period preceding the second world war.)

Reading a book like this re-awakens my dream to work on my book.  I don't know if it will ever be done.  But at the moment, I guess it's still okay to dream.

I Have No Time!!

June 5 --  I cannot even believe there is less than two weeks left of school.  THe idea of Luke graduating, Tessa graduating from 8th...so much to do and so little time!  Truly, I feel like I am standing in the ocean and I can see this really big wave coming toward me and so I stand in the sand and brace my legs, preparing my body to take the hit.

One thing that I keep doing is coming back to the "now" whenever I feel the now familiar tightening in the stomach, the rushed breath when I think about all that has to be done in the next two weeks. Never mind the fact that I have another writing deadline with work so quickly after the last one.

And so it goes.  Even writing about it in this blog is sending my blood pressure up.  So I take my breath, and remind myself that all I have right now is this moment.  THis absolute very moment.  And I try to advise myself not to get caught up in the "content" but to appreciate and observe the "space" surrounding the content.  Planning the party?  Going to all the end of year meetings, celebrations, etc.?  Content.  Breathing, and appreciating the comments, the beautiful weather?  Space.  That's what is important.  My children are moving ahead, as my dear friend Laura reminded me so long ago.  "How can we be sad about their graduations, their new college adventures?  They are moving in the right direction."  This is what she said to me when I asked her how she felt dropping off her oldest at college.  ANd I will never forget her words.  It's true.  The gift is watching their growth.  And not getting too caught up in how they got there.

One day at a time.  One moment at a time.

Good Dream Goes Bad at the Fundraiser :)

June 4 -- Tonight there was a fundraiser.  I had to go solo because Brian went to Matt's stag.   I really wanted to just stay home with the kids but I wanted to support Lori who worked so hard to make it happen to help this little girl who has leukemia.  Anyway, while I was there,  I was putting some tickets in the teacup raffle baskets ( I never win but I always hope!) and then, I had this amazing teacup raffle moment.  It was like nirvana.  There on the floor on the dark side of the ballroom were four (four!) medium sized UConn jackets with hardly any tickets in them!  It was like a dream come true.  I bought extra tickets and put them in the baskets -- what a perfect gift for Luke!!!

They were supposed to pick the tickets at 10pm.  By 9:30pm I was totally ready to leave but I was so hopeful -- with hardly any tickets in those baskets, I was sure to win!  I was already imagining Luke's grin...

Silly me.  Why do I allow myself to hope for these stupid material things?!! Don't I know better?  Didn't my yoga teacher just today teach us the meaning of peace and how it is not related to things?  Ughhhh!  No.  Like Lucy and Charlie Brown with the football, I stayed at that dance -- exhausted, head pounding because sometime, sometime, they were finally going to pick those tickets!!  But the night wore on, the people kept dancing and nobody picked the tickets to determine the winners.  As far as I knew, the raffle period was done.  Just like it was at all the other teacup raffles I had been to over the years.  They closed it after a period of time, picked the winners and then you could stay and dance or go home.

And so I stayed.  And stayed.  Until 11pm.  And that's when the dream turned bad.  I still see her -- Sandy M - a close friend of Lori's, the event organizer, hunched over the UConn Jacket baskets with a huge fist-full of raffle tickets.  She had this excited glimmer in her eyes as she stuffed each basket.  I went over to her.  "It's 11:00 pm"  I said.  "Isn't this part closed?  Aren't they picking the tickets now?"   "Oh no," she answered giddily.  "You can still buy tickets!  I didn't even know these jackets were here!" she giggled and turned around and stuffed another ten tickets into the basket.

It's totally stupid, I know.  But if I had seen her stuffing those baskets at 9pm when everyone else was doing it instead of sneaking in under the wire because Lori couldn't get to the raffle baskets earlier like she planned to do, I bet I would have won.  Additionally, (and most importantly)  I would have conceded the victory to my opponent and left earlier like I wanted to!!!  But I stayed...like a stupid child, waiting for the possible prize.  Only to get zamboozled by an unknown opponent in the 11th hour.

Will I ever learn??  I don't know.  I really don't know.  In the scheme of things, it's not important.  But considering how exhausted I am -- yeah.  I guess I was kind of pissed!  And Luke would have looked so cute in that jacket... :)

Fruit Flies Etc.

June 3 -- As if we don't have enough weird stuff on our plate, the house has just exploded with an invasion of fruit flies.  Usually they are confined to the kitchen if a banana gets too ripe but noooooo they are everywhere -- most notably in my office.  They are driving me bonkers!

So I went on line and found a home remedy -- putting out a bowl of cider vinegar with dish soap.  As I type this, I am feeling kind of nauseous from the smell.  Drinking white wine at the same time probably isn't helping too much either.

with all the drama of Tessa's 8th grade dance today -- I don't care.  I need the wine!

Hopefully, this cider vinegar/dish soap thing works because I am just going insane with these bugs.

Yays and Boos

June 2 --  Today was a beautiful day, not to hot but warm enough to feel good.  The sun was out and a nice cool wind was blowing.

But so many other things going on...Luke's birthday celebrations (yay), a nice walk by the river early in the morning (yay), a really good day at work with my communication students getting interviewed (yay), Tessa calling to say she is sick (boo), Brian taking her to the doctor's to see if she has strep (yay for Brian taking her while I was stuck at work, boo for Tessa being considered for strep), Tessa getting antibiotics for strep and sinus infection (boo), Tessa freaking out because she feels awful and doesn't think she will be able to go to her graduation dance at  school tomorrow night (boo), seeing Aaron tonight when he came over to say Happy Birthday to Luke (yay),  Luke having a nice birthday (yay), me getting a nice haircut and color (yay),  Tessa calling me up to her room because she can't sleep (boo)  my hair dresser Denise telling me she was just diagnosed with breast cancer (total boo.)

I feel like an emotional yo-yo.  And so it goes.

18 Years Ago I was in Labor right now...

June 1 --   Luke turns 18 in just a few hours.  At this time, 18 years ago, I was in labor trying to push the boy out.  (They ended up using one of those vacuum things to suck him out.)  I was trying to push but it was my first kid and apparently, I was not a natural pusher.  The nurse told me so.  She said I wasn't good at pushing.  The competitor in me got kind of pissed at that but really, after hours and hours of painful labor, I really couldn't fight anymore.  But...he did eventually make it out into this world, healthy and adorable, thank God.

It's just really unbelievable to think I have a child who is 18 years old.  Somebody who can vote.  It's crazy.  But it's nice too -- he is growing up to be a very amazing young man.  And I am so happy for him.  Scared to see him move farther and farther away from me.  But happy as well.  After all.  He is moving in the right direction.  I raised him to leave the nest.  I just didn't stop to think how much that would hurt.  Oh well.  This too shall pass.  :)